Martin Crane quotes from Frasier

Martin

Back then, there was no place like Frisco for a single guy cruising the streets looking for a good time.

Frasier

You know Dad, I think you'll find Frisco hasn't changed all that much.

Martin

Duke said, in the finale the whole cast skates to the top of this ramp, and then Splat! Right into a tank of whipped cream. Bet they don't do that at your opera.

Frasier

No, and Mozart's still kicking himself.

Martin

Can't wait. Where are we going, anyway?

Niles

Well... (closes the door)

Frasier

Hello, I'd like to order a large pizza, please. What toppings? Just a second. (Martin returns) Dad, what d'you want on your pizza?

Frasier

I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I'm a beloved Seattle institution.

Martin

(to Niles) A couple more days like this, he's gonna be in a beloved Seattle institution.

Frasier

Niles, there is another way.

Niles

You don't mean...

Frasier

Yes. I know it's a calculated risk. It is a little uncertain.

Niles

You can't be serious. It's unthinkable.

Frasier

Niles, what other choice do we have?

Niles

But the indignity, it reeks of desperation.

Martin

Now, now, before you do anything desperate, at least go stand in the cancellation line.

Niles

What did he think we were talking about?

Niles

She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.

Martin

You know, they got a cream for that.

Niles

Dad, come quickly! I need your help.

Martin

Oh, my God! What is it?

Niles

I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.

Niles

(reads the box) This aspirin's expired.

Martin

Well, it wasn't when I found it.

Martin

Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.

Daphne

Yeah, she looked once and it was over.

Niles

Dad, have you seen Frasier's frittata pan?

Martin

(looks at him) Hi, Marty Crane. I don't believe we've met.

Frasier

Dad, we are talking about perjury! When is that ever acceptable?

Martin

Oh, you want an example? Fine! Let's say, uh, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the earth...

Frasier

Oh, for God's sake!

Martin

And you were the only person who could save the earth, but the only way to do it is by lying under oath. Would you do it then?

Frasier

Who am I lying to, the comet?

Martin

Oh, just answer the question!

Frasier

All right, I suppose in certain extreme cases...

Martin

So, then you'd lie?

Frasier

To save mankind from a talking comet, yes!

Frasier

I can't believe you're being so casual about this. You realise your asking me to do something entirely unethical?

Martin

Oh for God's sake. Nobody's even going to know!

Frasier

That's the point! Ethics are what we do when no-one else is looking. For heaven's sake I learned that from you. Are you saying you wouldn't have any trouble with this?

Martin

Let me tell you something. One time when I was on the force I saw a guy shoot somebody. When we caught him I started to read him his rights. But he slipped out of his cuffs and he swung at me so I didn't have a chance to finish. Two months later, I'm on the stand and his lawyer asks me if I read him his rights in full. Now, if I say no, this guy walks. And this guy's been in and out of jail all his life; he could have read me his rights. So I say "Yes, I did, I read them in full." I lied under oath. Now you might think I did an unethical thing but there's not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.

Martin

Well, come on, Frasier, let's go get a nice Sloppy joe. I'll pay for it.

Frasier

Something tells me I'll pay for it too.

Oh, Martin, there you are! Come, hide with me. I know a little nook where no one will find us.

Martin

This game's a lot scarier than I thought!

I feel like I'm in Heaven.

Martin

I'm starting to feel that way myself.