Martin Crane quotes from Frasier

Frasier

Dear God, can't You make him shut up?!

Martin

That prayer doesn't get answered around here.

Niles

Oh, Dad! You'll never guess what silly nickname Daphne was called as a child!

Martin

Is it worse than Piles?

Frasier

Do you know what she's going to see when she looks at me now?

Martin

Your naked body?

Frasier

Oh, dear God! I was gonna say, "Somebody who's betrayed her trust," but...oh, dear God!

Frasier

We need to reach a little understanding. Now, someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose, it means No. You get it? They both begin with the same two letters: N-O. Now, if I touch my eye, it means Aye as in...Yes.

Martin

[annoyed] Guess what you're being if I touch my ass.

Niles

Are you proud of yourselves?

Frasier

We didn't ask her to do anything!

Martin

She offered!

Niles

Then why is no one looking me in the eye?

Martin

This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.

Frasier

Like when?

Martin

Like the last time we went to the beach!

I should have guessed everyone and his brother would want to see Vince Carter play.

Martin

Not everybody. Or his brother.

Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing what's best for this patient.

Frasier

And my expert opinion says otherwise.

[calm, but annoyed] Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you should perform the surgery.

Frasier

Maybe I will.

Niles

[whining] Dad...

Martin

[sternly] Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.

Frasier

According to my timetable, Niles is probably off the bypass pump now. All the blockages have been bypassed and the myocardium is now receiving normal blood.

Martin

How come you know all this but you're stumped by an electric barbecue fork?

Frasier

Because the human body was not designed by some idiot in Japan.

Frasier

As usual, Frasier has to save the day.

Martin

As usual, Martin has to hear about it.

Martin

Well, I'm proud of you two. Squash may not be the toughest sport, but it's still technically a sport.

What? Squash can be pretty tough! (Martin scoffs) Oh, no, no, no, no. I once saw a guy break his leg in a mid-court collision. The bone was poking through his skin, and he still finished the point.

Martin

(surprised) That's the game you guys play?

Niles

(fighting nausea) Hell, yeah!

Frasier

Dad, the inability to maintain adult relationships often has its roots in parent-child trauma.

Martin

What's your generation gonna do when we're all gone and there's no one left to blame?

Martin

Hey Fras', how was your trip to the accountant?

Frasier

Fine, er, fine... why are all these lights on?

About binomial theorem, I'm teeming with a lot o' news, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse—

Martin

With many awful facts about the scary hippopotamus!

[pause] What a wonderfully musical family you are.

Frasier

Dad, you know, you really ought to slow down there. [to Ronee] You know, at his age, one slip and it's the ICU and then it's I-see-ya later.

Martin

Well, I wouldn't worry about me, Fras'. I don't feel any older now than I did when you were parading around in your mother's heels. [everyone laughs] Of course, that was just last Christmas.