Martin Crane quotes from Frasier

Frasier

[about Martin's chair] Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this monstrosity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.

Martin

You know, I keep having this dream where you're saying the same thing, only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.

Frasier

Dad, that will never happen.

Martin

Thank you.

Frasier

I have medical power of attorney. It won't cost me a thing.

Niles

[about his new pet bird] She's very exotic. She only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue.

Martin

Geez, I'm gettin' nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!

Martin

He's practically doin' a polka.

Frasier

Oh, good. That should up his price when I sell him to the carnival.

Frederick

Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick?

Frasier

No. He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a SWAT team.

Martin

They got there later!

Frasier

(in a spooky voice) Nightmare Inn.

Martin

Oh, don't tell me, I know. A bunch of people get caught in a storm and everyone's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.

Frasier

Exactly. And I'm going to direct.

Niles

So we can stop wondering.

Daphne

Dr. Crane! Are you all right?

Niles

(shaken) I'm fine. Just a little hot…and foamy…

Martin

You know what must've happened? My Hot & Foamy must have exploded!

Daphne

He was a detective, you know(!)

Niles

Doesn't he realize how outlandish it all sounds?

Martin

Even a fake supermodel would have dumped him by now!

Martin

I thought you were getting me a Sherlock Holmes outfit. He didn't wear a bowler.

Niles

Well, they were all out of Sherlock Holmes, so I put together something else for you. Don't worry, it's another detective. Tonight, you'll be Lord Peter Wimsey!

Martin

Who the hell's that?

Niles

He's a celebrated bon vivant sleuth from a series of novels by Dorothy L. Sayers.

Martin

Well, I'm not going anywhere where I have to tell people my name's Wimsey!

Frasier

Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?

Martin

Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some "foundation garments."

Frasier

I think they call them "bras" now.

Martin

Not these, you don't. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies.

Daphne

No, I’m a resident alien here from England. You know, the country that used to own you people!

Martin

You’ll go right to the head of the line now(!)

Frasier

You know, Dad, I think it all hearkens back to the puritanical streak that still runs through this country. What do you think?

Martin

There's a yakkety-yak streak that runs through this family.

Frasier

(Pours three glasses) Well, this may come as a small consolation to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced twice, left at the altar once. (They down their glasses)

Martin

(Pours another three glasses) Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately. Things with Sherry fizzled, then Sleeping Beauty tonight. I think maybe I deserve the booby prize. (They down their glasses)

Niles

I'll challenge you. (Pours another three glasses) Fifteen years with Maris; I end up in bed with her lover.

Martin

Geez- I don't need to hear that!

Niles

No, no- it was an accident; it was pitch dark- I thought it was Maris.

Frasier

It's a natural mistake. What tipped you off?

Niles

The heat from her side of the bed! (They all laugh)

Frasier

Well, I think we have a three-way tie. Here's to the Crane Boys - love's big losers. (They clink glasses and down them)

Niles

You know, I said I needed closure. (Removes his wedding ring) I won't have it till I do one more thing. (Goes to the balcony)

Frasier

Now be careful, Niles, from this height that can hurt somebody. (He and Martin follow Niles to the balcony)

Niles

All clear. (Throws his ring off the balcony) Goodbye, Maris! You hurt me for the last time! (Goes back inside)

Martin

Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there? (Niles turns around, comes back to the balcony and looks down) Oh well, good body shop will be able to pound that out.

Frasier

Well, it's Saturday night. Here we are, again.

Martin

Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date?

Niles

Thousands. Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.

Frasier

(shouts) Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes, no waiting!

Martin

We're desperate!

Frasier

We're ludicrous!

Niles

We're pathetic! (All three laugh to themselves before quieting down and staring, pensively, from the balcony. The emotional scene fades out.)

Martin

I can't believe because of your big mouth, Zora won't even let me in her restaurant!

Frasier

Forcing you to go elsewhere when you have one of your frequent cravings for stuffed grape leaves and zither music!

Niles

It's a moot point. We're out of the family, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.

Martin

Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother, and not see him for five years?

Frasier

No, but I'd like to give it a try.

Frasier

Aw Thanks, Dad.

Martin

Hey I'm no hero, I just wanted you to shut up.