Niles Crane quotes from Frasier

Niles

Well, as some illustrious person once said, "Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."

Frasier

You just made that up, didn't you?

Niles

Yes, but I stand by it.

Schweinhund! [draws his sword]

Niles

Alright, fine! You want to challenge me? En garde!

Frasier

Oh, yes, Niles! That's just what we need: a fourth language.

Frasier

All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels!

Niles

Wait, wait! What?

Frasier

I'm serious! Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out there and they all want anguille, so start killing eels!

Niles

Wait, wait. How do you suggest I do that?

Frasier

How do I know? You're the chef. Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care!

Niles

How much firepower do you suppose is necessary to embed a cherry in an acoustic ceiling tile?

Frasier

Another question we should have asked ourselves before we entered the exiting world of food service.

Niles

Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it!

Frasier

You are not scaring me...the thumb goes on the outside, Niles! On the outside!

Frasier

These are for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport. Do you know what this means?

Niles

Yes: the Cranes of Maine have got your 'Living Brain'!

Martin

So this one night I invited her down to the corner bar.

Niles

Coroners have their own bar?

Martin

No. Corner, Niles — the corner bar!

Frasier

She's back! The scourge of my existence!

Niles

Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall…

I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of…of, um…

Niles

Sea kelp?

Exactly right, sea kelp!

Martin

Oh, that's funny; I thought he said “seek help”

Niles

He's some hooligan who helped fix Maris's legal problem, and in return, I promised him a favor. Oh God! Do you think that's why he's here; to collect?

Frasier

No Niles, he's probably hosting a luau, and came by to borrow our poi ramekins(!)

Niles

You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.

Frasier

Oh, Niles.

Niles

Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not gettin' any.

Frasier

Well, will you at least think about what I've said?

Niles

I can't. She's leaving for Europe in the morning, so I have a very small window of opportunity.

Frasier

Niles, you know I'm right.

Niles

You just don't want me to have sex because you're not having any!

Frasier

[shakes a finger at him] I most certainly am too!

Niles

Your lips say yes, but your cuticles speak volumes.

Niles

Maris and I used to play chess every Thursday night. Oh, how she loved the game.

Frasier

No wonder: the king is stationary, while the queen has all the power!

Niles

There's a saying: "In every boy's life, the moment of greatest joy and greatest sorrow is when he defeats his father for the first time."

Frasier

If you're suggesting that I'm afraid to beat Dad, you can just stop right there.

Niles

O.K. The other option is, he's better than you.

Frasier

[pause] You were saying?

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane, don't say anything about last night's boxing match. Your dad hasn't seen it yet.

Niles

Oh, I didn't even know it was boxing season.

Roz

You spend money like a drunken sailor.

Niles

She said authoritatively.