Niles Crane quotes from Frasier

Niles

Frasier, this pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you!

Frasier

Then you're not going to do my show?

Niles

No, I am going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever dreamed of doing it!

Frasier

I asked Dad to get me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? "What's the magic word?"

Niles

You're kidding.

Frasier

He didn't think it was very amusing when I said, "Rest home!"

Niles

Maddening!

Frasier

What is it now?

Niles

They have a new moisturizer dispenser in the men's room, and the cream is entirely too oily, so I had to rewash my hands, and wouldn't you know it, that is when the hot-air hand dryer decides to break down!

Frasier

How do you get through the day?

Martin

If anybody wants me, I'll be down at Duke's. [exits]

Niles

You ever noticed how much faster he moves when he's wrong?

Frasier

He caught on fire?

Niles

It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.

Niles

[sniffs around Daphne] Is that "Forbidden"?

Frasier

In every sense of the word!

Niles

Can you tell me, with any certainty, that in such a vast universe there isn't intelligent life on other planets?

Frasier

At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen.

Daphne

I had a mole removed.

Niles

Where?

Daphne

Just south of Manchester.

Niles

I meant, where on your body?

Daphne

So did I.

Niles

I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again!

Frasier

No you won't. You're not a child any more. Now come with me: I'm taking you to the bathroom!

Frasier

It's the archetypal male bonding ritual.

Niles

Couldn't we just go to the woods, kill something and have done with it?

Niles

Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?

Frasier

Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be... [turns to look through the window] MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! [leaps up and rushes out of the door] Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!

Frasier

Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.

Niles

I can't help it. Have you read this?

Frasier

I'm trying to recommend a book. Reading it doesn't help.

Roz

You slept with her?

Niles

On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?!

Martin

When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.

Niles

I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig.

Frasier

I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts.

Niles

And during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?