Niles Crane quotes from Frasier

Niles

You obviously didn't see the crazed, cunning glint in her eyes.

Frasier

She always looks like that - she's an agent.

Frasier

But, you know, you would have sulked too, if you'd read in the paper, “Mr. Crane's attempts to gyrate his hips as Conrad, the teen idol in Bye Bye Birdie, made this reviewer say, ‘Bye-bye, breakfast!’ ”

Niles

That review was a mash note compared to my first draft.

Martin

Come on, they're great guys: Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course, his name's not really Jim; we call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank “Bud” because he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys!

Niles

We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it.

Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, you're still listed as Moon.

Niles

That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.

Martin

[pretending to be a retired astronaut] I remember the first time I drove a moon crane. Damn near rolled it right into the Sea of Tranquility!

Niles

I hardly need to tell you how the story ends.

Frasier

Just tell me when the story ends.

Niles

Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?

Roz

Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.

Roz

Well, why don't you go up and introduce yourself?

Niles

I can't just walk up to a god like that.

Roz

Well, then, find a subtler way.

Niles

In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?

What did you say to him?

Niles

Well, I'd like to tell you, but that would violate doctor-cat confidentiality!

Martin

I gotta say: I'm impressed.

Daphne

Yeah. I'm starting to think maybe I should spend an hour or two on the couch with you. (Niles grins)

Martin

Are you kidding? With Niles, it'd only take two minutes!

Niles

(grin fades) Thanks, Dad.

Niles

Because if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in Nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two.

Frasier

(incredulously) As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze mercury!

Martin

Boys, come on. Nobody's gonna win this one.

Niles

It's my first Thanksgiving without Maris.

Martin

Oh yeah. I know son, it's hard.

Niles

Do you remember the year I plopped that big wedge of pumpkin pie in front of her, and we all laughed? (they all chuckle) Then I put a big scoop of whipped cream on top of it and we laughed some more! (they chuckle again) Then her eyes welled up with tears and we all knew it was time to stop.

Frasier

[about Maris] By calling her so many times, you give her all the power! You're much better off coming from a position of strength!

Niles

Don't pour that sherry on your shirt: it will stain.

Frasier

What?

Niles

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we give each other patently obvious advice.

Niles

[about Maris] She's already flown in a sculptor from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.

Frasier

Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!

Oh, I love making people laugh. To me, humor is like medicine!

Niles

(to Frasier) I guess we're in the placebo group.

Niles

You know, I should never have even attempted a move like that. It was sort of a cross between a pirouette and a flying scissor kick.

Martin

You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?

Niles

Quiet!