Niles Crane quotes from Frasier

Frasier

By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.

Niles

She's on your bed.

Frasier

My bed?

Niles

Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

Frasier

God, I hate lawyers.

Niles

Me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

Frasier

You know, Niles, maybe you should have that Martini after all.

Niles

I can't, Frasier; I'm driving.

Frasier

[still reading the menu] Not any more; they just towed your car.

Niles

Let's face it, Frasier, you talk about wanting to safeguard your professional dignity, but the first time you went on the air, you got out of medicine and into show biz. You're no different from that movie star who let everybody look up her skirt in that film, and then did nothing but complain that nobody took her seriously as an actress.

Frasier

Well, that has nothing to do with this!

Niles

Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video and, I don't mind telling you, we pushed our beds together that night! [pause] And that was no mean feat. Her room, as you know, is across the hall.

Frasier

I'm having a young lady over on Friday night. I was hoping that maybe you could take Dad out for me.

Niles

Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday.

Frasier

Why? You have plans Friday?

Niles

No, I have plans Saturday.

Niles

[about Maris] She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.

Daphne

Oh, dear... Did a plane almost crash?

Niles

No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.

Niles

Just bear in mind: she can't have shellfish, poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulphites, MSG or dairy... Did I say nuts?

Frasier

Oh, I think that's implied!

Frasier

The other day I was asked out by this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a mall.

Niles

That is alarming.

Frasier

Well, I turned her down.

Niles

No, no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?

Niles

The coulibiac of salmon at Guy Savoy, "Vissi d'arte" from Tosca, and the Côtes du Rhône Châteauneuf-du-Pape '47.

Frasier

You are so predictable!

Frasier

Niles, if Dad and I get into a Winnebago, only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us!

Niles

Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys; but this is an imposition.

Niles

I'm sorry, Frasier. I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name they would ever want to do something like this. All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word: I'm not going.

Martin

Great news! Daphne's coming, too.

Niles

And so am I!

Frasier

What we need is a good opening sentence. Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes, and then take him on a virtual roller-coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.

Niles

Frasier, while you were over there, mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart, I've had a breakthrough.

Niles

My God, My God! I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!

Frasier

You stole my mommy!

Niles

I can't let it go! My nose is rubbed in it every day! *I'm* the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association, my research is well-respected in academic circles, four of my patients have been elected to political office, but it's your big fat face they put on the side of buses!

Frasier

... I do not have a fat face!

Martin

[To Frasier] Frasier, isn't there something you wanna say to your brother?

Frasier

Yes, Dad, I– I suppose there is. [To his brother] Niles, would you like a muffin? [Offers his brother a muffin on a plate. Niles becomes confused]

Martin

[To Frasier] [Angrily] Frasier!

Frasier

[Gives in] All right! [Puts the muffin on the plate back on the table. After a moment, he stands up] [To his brother] Niles– I'm sorry things didn't work out with the book. You have no reason to feel inferior to me. You're an accomplished psychiatrist, a decent man– and you stand second to no one.

Niles

Thank you, Frasier. [Stands up] The truth is, I've always looked up to you and– admired you.

Martin

[To his sons] All right, enough of this mushy girly stuff. Just shake hands, punch each other on the shoulder, and be done with it.

Frasier

[To his brother] Oh, what the heck.

Martin

[To himself] [Upset] Oh, geez!