Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Niles

I think this rock may be the murder weapon.

Frasier

Why that rock instead of all the other rocks down there?

Niles

It's pointier.

Frasier

Have you ever heard of anything more... fury-inspiring!

Daphne

I certainly have not. Imagine the cheek of the man, installing an illegal washer-dryer!

Oh, they're not illegal, a lot of the units have them. You guys have a hookup in that hall closet where you keep all those hats...

Frasier

First of all, I had completely forgotten about the hookup. Second of all, I believe the homburg is poised for a comeback!

Frasier

I will not be strong-armed by threats against my laundry!

Daphne

[unperturbed] Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks. [exits]

Frasier

I don't have any pinks.

Daphne

[from the kitchen] You will.

(getting angrier and angrier as she talks) It sticks in my mouth like your rotten deviled eggs. I hate your guts! I hate the way you talk and talk and talk about nothing, the way you walk, your stupid white socks...

Frasier

Carla...

Knock off! I'm toasting! [to Cliff] The twenty years I have known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats. But now, finally you're leaving, I know I'm not as young as I used to be but I can live again, I can live again! Finally I can live, I can live!! [Noticing that everybody is shocked] Anyway...God bless.

Frasier

Do you know what she's going to see when she looks at me now?

Martin

Your naked body?

Frasier

Oh, dear God! I was gonna say, "Somebody who's betrayed her trust," but...oh, dear God!

Frasier

For if you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?

No, He lives at the church!

Niles

This morning, when Daphne escaped, I just kept thinking, "What if she's hurt, or lost, or eaten by a cat?" Or worse: "What if she meets another bird who's more birdly than Niles but without the substance?"

Frasier

Trust me: no one is more birdly than Niles.

Frasier

My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles?

Niles

Yes. [to the driver] I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago.

Frasier

We need to reach a little understanding. Now, someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose, it means No. You get it? They both begin with the same two letters: N-O. Now, if I touch my eye, it means Aye as in...Yes.

Martin

[annoyed] Guess what you're being if I touch my ass.

Niles

Are you proud of yourselves?

Frasier

We didn't ask her to do anything!

Martin

She offered!

Niles

Then why is no one looking me in the eye?

Martin

This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.

Frasier

Like when?

Martin

Like the last time we went to the beach!

The Seattle Star Trek Convention is this weekend, and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance. I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection complete.

Frasier

Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?

Oh, I would! But William Shatner's restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid! It wasn't even a real phaser.

Frasier

Star Trek is just a TV show.

So was Brideshead Revisited!

Frasier

You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that!

Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing what's best for this patient.

Frasier

And my expert opinion says otherwise.

[calm, but annoyed] Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you should perform the surgery.

Frasier

Maybe I will.

Niles

[whining] Dad...

Martin

[sternly] Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.

Frasier

According to my timetable, Niles is probably off the bypass pump now. All the blockages have been bypassed and the myocardium is now receiving normal blood.

Martin

How come you know all this but you're stumped by an electric barbecue fork?

Frasier

Because the human body was not designed by some idiot in Japan.