Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Frasier

You know, I've been thinking of sending him someplace.

Niles

Like to a resort?

Frasier

Like to live with you.

Niles

Oh, yes. The last resort.

Roz

It's time for another blooper.

Frasier

Ah, yes. We're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain Producer didn't realize her microphone was on during the show...

Roz

[on tape] Now what the [beep] is this? You call this a [beep] paycheck? How the [beep] am I supposed to live on this [beep]? I'm gonna have a little word with that [beep]-damn Station Manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-[beep]-ing place!

[who's entered] Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.

Frasier

That's it. I'm quirky. I'm delightfully quirky.

Niles

Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill?

Frasier

Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?

Niles

Do you know you have your pyjamas on backwards?

Frasier

Another delightful quirk of mine.

Niles

Not from where I'm sitting.

Frasier

I'll put on some pants.

Niles Crane

Zipper goes in front.

Frasier

She took your pants, you know!

I know!

Niles

[about Martin] You're a grown man. You're still scared of him.

Frasier

Well, you're a grown man. You're still scared of him, too.

Niles

Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.

Frasier

Shut up.

You do your share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.

Frasier

If mine's a substitute for masculinity, then what is yours?

Bigger!

Frasier

This land is rich with snow- covered mountains, sun-kissed beaches, wild untamed rivers and a, a warm loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this America! (a large American flag drapes over his window)

Niles

How did you do that?

Frasier

[enraged] Cam Winston!

Daphne

Still awake, Doctor Crane?

Frasier

Yes. It's almost dawn's early light... and our flag is still there.

Frasier

You knew?

Niles

Well, do you remember that time I had the chickenpox? Mom told me to cheer me up.

Frasier

Excuse me, Mr. Puck?

[annoyed] Yes, Dr. Crane?

Frasier

It's just that, I couldn't help noticing that the crab cakes are getting a bit... brown.

They're getting "beautifully crunchy."

Frasier

I see. Because when I said, "brown," I actually meant more like "black," like "burned."

They're Cajun!

Daphne

Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair.

Frasier

Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair!

I've started a ministry to save souls the way the Lord saved mine.

Frasier

What genius(!) The Lord! A credible partner who doesn't take a cut.

Frasier

Good Heavens, Niles, what am I? Your lackey?

Niles

No, no, no. I'm just engrossed in this "Heroes of Nas-Car."

Well, cameras never lie and cheaters never prosper.

Frasier

And you never shut up!

Niles

Maybe it's a builder that got trapped, or an exterminator that was overcome with fumes.

Frasier

Probable solutions, Niles. However, neither is possible.

Niles

Why not?

Frasier

Because when you die, your head does not pop off like a champagne cork!