A character in Frasier
Played by Kelsey Grammer
Frasier · 546 quotes
Most-quoted character in Frasier: in 372 of its 546 quotes
Most scenes with: Niles Crane (131), Martin Crane (61), Roz Doyle (50)
Niles realizes that students who coast through class are simply frustrated
FrasierSo when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you; he was mad at Pythagoras.
Which is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.
Frasier is darting between Kenny and his wife in the apartment. Martin has not seen either of them
FrasierDad, I thought you were going to clear out tonight. I've got a date!
Enter Kenny
Doc, I need you in the bedroom. (exit)
(pause) Pretty.
Daphne has tripped over
What happened?
Oh, Daphne tripped on something and fell.
Where's Eddie? Oh my god, Eddie! Eddie! (Eddie runs into the scene and jumps on the couch) (Martin sighs of relief) Oh, there he is. I thought maybe he ran away or something.
Oh darling, look at that, your ankle's swelling up already. (Points to it)
It's the other one!
Here, let me give you a hand.
Yeah, and no cracks, old man! I know I've gotten heavy and I've resolved to do something about it.
All right, on three. One, two, three! (Martin and Niles lift without results) Maybe the super has a hand truck.
Kill me!
Frasier(enters) Good lord, what happened?
Daphne twisted her ankle and fell. Come help us lift her.
Okay, boys, be careful. Use your legs. (The Crane men lift Daphne up)
Oh, bloody hell! I'm wearing two different shoes!
(Doorbell rings, Frasier goes to answer it, while Niles helps Daphne to her room)
Daphne, I just thought of somethin' funny: It took three Cranes to lift you!
Roz cannot take the basketball tickets that Frasier has been given
I have a date with this French guy, Jean-Pierre.
FrasierSo that's it, huh? No Americans left.
During the argument with Roz, Frasier obliquely threatens to walk out
FrasierWell, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interests of the show.
Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.
FrasierWell, then maybe I should just leave "the show".
Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.
FrasierWell then, "the show" can BITE ME! (exit)
After a very uninspiring Wine Corner, Frasier signs off with a remark about wine getting better with age, like a good woman
Aww, do you really believe that?
FrasierOh, who cares, Roz? I stopped listening to myself ten minutes ago!
Frasier is sharing his thoughts on a wine with Martin, in his usual verbose fashion
FrasierYou don't think it's clear that I enjoy the wine?
I don't think it's clear you're talking about wine.
Wine-tasting at the wine club
I'm getting oak with plummy overtones.
I'm getting screwed on alimony.
(Walks in) Niles, I want to talk to you.
Dad! What happened, is there something wrong?
You're damn right there is, it's about you and Frasier! (notices) Good God, you wear a sash?!
Frasier sent you down here, didn't he?
Frasier(o.s. from above) No!
Frasier, get in here now!
Frasier shuffles in beside Niles. The following scene looks like a father dressing down two toddlers — a spectacle that both Frasier and Niles are desperate to avoid
FrasierDad, this isn't necessary.
Yeah, we-we can talk about this some other time.
Zip it up, both of you! I just gave up the best meal of my life to come down here, so listen up. Niles, let your brother play.
Dad, this is not a game, this is a club, and Frasier broke the rules!
FrasierTechnically, I-
Hold it! (To Niles) Well, then you write a new rule so that Frasier can come back.
FrasierFirst, I want an apology-
I said zip it!
He did, I heard him!
Don't get smart! Now, are you gonna let your brother play?
Dad-
Are you gonna let your brother play?
Why-
Are you gonna let your brother play?
I-
Are you gonna let your brother play?
(Gives in) Fine.
Am I gonna have any more trouble between you two?
(Humbly) No.
No, what?
No, sir.
Good. Now shake hands. (They do) That's more like it. Now if you don't mind, I've got a big plate of Gewürzplatzchen waiting for me at home with my name on it. (Leaves)
Uh, well, [chuckles] let's get back to the wine, shall we?
You got yelled at by your dad. (All the members laugh)
Well, be that as it may-
Zip it! (Everyone laughs louder)
Frasier has just introduced Kirby to Roz
She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh?
FrasierWell, yes, sometimes, but she's union, so you put up with it.
Frasier thinks of a way to persuade Roz to help him out
So, how you gonna get her to go with me?
FrasierOh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. Bruce Springsteen.
The Boss!
FrasierNo, Bruce Springsteen.
FrasierNiles, I'm sorry. It turns out Claire and I are going to Belize after all. You and Daphne will have to go some place else.
Wait. Daphne has her heart set to Belize.
FrasierNiles, this is not Cranes Go Caribbean! I want to be alone with Claire.
Frasier is waiting to retrieve some lost luggage. Bob Gardner walks in. This is the first time they meet
Have you been waiting here long?
FrasierTime is irrelevant here in the Seventh Circle of Hell.
Frasier is consoling Lana after Bob leaves
You are a really good f...
FrasierDon’t. Don’t use the F word.
(laughs) I wasn’t about to! I was gonna say we’re friends!
The cricket in the apartment is driving Frasier insane
FrasierDear God, can't You make him shut up?!
That prayer doesn't get answered around here.
Frasier quotes an injurious limerick about himself to Niles
Frasier"There once was a man, Frasier Crane / Who says he can feel your pain, / But he acts like a snob / To the guys at his job / And I think he's totally lame."
That's terrible! There's a tense shift, an approximate rhyme, the scansion leaves a lot to be desired…
FrasierNiles, you're missing the point!
Niles CraneDavid Hyde Pierce · 235 quotes
Martin CraneJohn Mahoney · 109 quotes
Daphne MoonJane Leeves · 77 quotes
Roz DoylePeri Gilpin · 75 quotes
Lilith SterninBebe Neuwirth · 12 quotes
BulldogDan Butler · 8 quotes
BebeHarriet Sansom Harris · 5 quotes
GilEdward Hibbert · 4 quotes
HarryBrian Cox · 4 quotes
KirbyBrian Klugman · 4 quotes
CharlotteLaura Linney · 3 quotes
CChelsea3 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frasier pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
