Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Niles

Because if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in Nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two.

Frasier

(incredulously) As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze mercury!

Martin

Boys, come on. Nobody's gonna win this one.

Frasier

[about Maris] By calling her so many times, you give her all the power! You're much better off coming from a position of strength!

Niles

Don't pour that sherry on your shirt: it will stain.

Frasier

What?

Niles

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we give each other patently obvious advice.

Niles

[about Maris] She's already flown in a sculptor from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.

Frasier

Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!

You are our only chance, Dr. Crane, and she must be defeated. She is evil! Heckles in 1704 was two days late with his condo fee and she lowered the water pressure in his shower. Eventually he died.

Frasier

Of bad water pressure?

No, I think it was a hunting accident. But he spent his last months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out of his hair.

Roz

If somebody wants a garbage disposal, they'll bug you day and night, they'll leave kitchen scraps in your mailbox until they get what they want.

Frasier

Have you served on a condo board?

Roz

No, but I have a brand new garbage disposal.

Frasier

“We know for whom the bell tolls.”

Martin

Anybody else hear that?

Frasier

Feel like a new man?

Niles

I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!

Niles

You see what's happening here?

Frasier

Yes. Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life!

Frasier

[about Martin's chair] Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this monstrosity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.

Martin

You know, I keep having this dream where you're saying the same thing, only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.

Frasier

Dad, that will never happen.

Martin

Thank you.

Frasier

I have medical power of attorney. It won't cost me a thing.

Martin

He's practically doin' a polka.

Frasier

Oh, good. That should up his price when I sell him to the carnival.

Niles

I asked Maris.

Daphne

Sap.

Frasier

I think Daphne speaks for us all.

Frederick

Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick?

Frasier

No. He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a SWAT team.

Martin

They got there later!

Frasier

So you see the problem?

Niles

I certainly do!

Frasier

No, that's your problem!

Roz

It's not like she [Bebe] worships the Devil.

Frasier

She doesn't have to. He worships her!

Frasier

(in a spooky voice) Nightmare Inn.

Martin

Oh, don't tell me, I know. A bunch of people get caught in a storm and everyone's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.

Frasier

Exactly. And I'm going to direct.

Niles

So we can stop wondering.