Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Niles

Maris and I used to play chess every Thursday night. Oh, how she loved the game.

Frasier

No wonder: the king is stationary, while the queen has all the power!

Niles

There's a saying: "In every boy's life, the moment of greatest joy and greatest sorrow is when he defeats his father for the first time."

Frasier

If you're suggesting that I'm afraid to beat Dad, you can just stop right there.

Niles

O.K. The other option is, he's better than you.

Frasier

[pause] You were saying?

Judge him by his words and his actions, not by how old he is.

Frasier

You sound like my father: a man who believes that burial is a form of age discrimination.

Roz

Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I'd have thrown you a birthday party at the station.

Frasier

(through his teeth) Question asked, question answered.

Frasier

Well... it's not as if we were standing side-by-side when she chose you. I was at the bar! If you'd gone to get the drinks, things would have been different.

Martin

I don't think so.

Frasier

Dad, I'm drowning here. Please, throw me a line!

Niles

You obviously didn't see the crazed, cunning glint in her eyes.

Frasier

She always looks like that - she's an agent.

Frasier

Well, do you want me to answer as a friend, or a therapist?

Roz

As a friend.

Frasier

See a therapist.

Frasier

But, you know, you would have sulked too, if you'd read in the paper, “Mr. Crane's attempts to gyrate his hips as Conrad, the teen idol in Bye Bye Birdie, made this reviewer say, ‘Bye-bye, breakfast!’ ”

Niles

That review was a mash note compared to my first draft.

Frasier

There he is: the man who doesn’t like me.

Martin

I knew we should’ve taken two cars!

Daphne

Oh, Dr. Crane, why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?

Frasier

Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that make life so rich…and psychiatrists richer.

Bulldog

You know what? I gotta call her. (picks up the phone) No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get. (slams phone down) But I miss the sound of her voice. I’m calling her. (picks up phone) No, wait. It’s too needy. Chicks hate that. (puts phone down) I shouldn’t call her. But I want to! (picks up phone before putting it down again) Doc, what should I do?!

Frasier

Don’t ask me. I don’t even know who you are!

Niles

I hardly need to tell you how the story ends.

Frasier

Just tell me when the story ends.

Frasier

The dream is really about me and a male co-worker, Gil Chesterton.

Martin

You don't care if I ever sleep again, do you?

Roz

Now, Daphne, if the jewellery wasn't that good and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost here?

Frasier

Dr. Roz wades in with the Gabor approach to therapy!

Daphne

Last night, Roz insisted on taking me to this bar she calls “The Sure Thing”.

Frasier

How flattering! They've named a bar after her.