Jayne Cobb quotes from Firefly

Simon

If I didn't know better, I'd say you're ready to save some lives!

Mal

Now all we need are a couple o' patients.

Simon

Corpses, actually. For this to work, River and I will have to be dead.

Jayne

Huh. I'm starting to like this plan.

Mal

Look, you got a little stabbed the other day. That's bound to make anyone a mite ornery.

Jayne

The doc did good, comin' up with that job. Don't mean I like 'im any better. Nothing buys bygones quicker than cash. Maybe I'll give him a tattoo while he's out.

What do you got?

Mal

Got a couple DOAs. By the time we got there—

Take them down to the morgue.

Jayne

We applied the cortical electrodes, but we were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient!

River

No! No! No. They come out of the black. They come when you call.

Simon

River, it's okay— it's, it's over. We're leaving.

River

Your toes are in the sand.

Jayne

And your head's up your—

Simon

Hey! Back off.

Simon

Still... I appreciate you trying.

Jayne

You know what I'd appreciate? You stop flapping that pretty mouth at me. I'm trying to figure a way out of here. I can't do it with you yammerin'.

River

They took Christmas away.

Jayne

What the hell now?

River

I came downstairs for the shiny presents. They took the tree and the stockings. Nothing left but coal.

Jayne

[to Simon] Would you shut her up?

River

Don't look in the closet either. It's greedy. It's not in the spirit of the holiday.

Jayne

You shut the hell up right now, or so help me, I will shut you up.

Mal

You know, I hear tell they used to keelhaul traitors back in the day. I don't have a keel to haul you on, so...

Jayne

What're you takin' it so personal for? It ain't like I ratted you out to the feds!

Mal

Oh, but you did! You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! But since that's a concept you can't seem to wrap your head around, then you got no place here. [Pause.] You did it to me, Jayne. And that's a fact.

Jayne

What're you gonna tell the others?

Mal

About what?

Jayne

'Bout why I'm dead.

Mal

I hadn't thought about it.

Jayne

Make something up. Don't tell 'em what I did.

Mal

The next time you decide to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face.

Jayne

Can I come in?

Kaylee

[panting] No power in the 'verse... can stop me!

Zoe

[holding up an apple to Wash, before cutting it with her knife] These really are the genuine article. I could get used to being rich.

Wash

It's Jayne being so generous with his cut that confuses and frightens me.

Zoe

It does kind of freeze the blood.

Kaylee

Zoe, how come you always cut your apples?

Wash

[to Zoe] You do?

Kaylee

[to Wash] Her and Cap'n both. Whenever we get fresh fruit, they never just munch on 'em.

Zoe

[pauses, then replies to Kaylee] You know what a griswald is?

Jayne

[just walking in] It's a grenade.

Zoe

About the size of a battery, responds to pressure. Our platoon was stuck in a trench outside of New Casmir during the winter campaign. More than a week, completely cut off, and the Alliance entrenched not ten yards away. We even got to talkin' to 'em, yelling across insults and jokes and such, 'cause [there was] no ammo to speak of, no orders, so what're you gonna do? We mentioned that we were out of rations and ten minutes later, a bunch of apples rained into the trench.

Wash

[hurriedly to Kaylee] And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree to a magical land with unicorns and a harp.

Kaylee

Blew off their heads, huh?

Zoe

Cap'n said wait, but they were so hungry...Don't make much noise, just little pops and there's three guys that kinda just...end at the rib cage.

Wash

But these apples are healthsome, and good.

Jayne

Yeah, grenades cost extra.

Mal

[walks into the kitchen and picks up an apple] We are about 20,000 miles from our last drop, people, then we can take a break and start thinking about spending some of this money.

Wash

[whispering to Zoe] Could have made a little more.

Mal

[replying at normal level to Wash, despite his whispers] That wasn't a bad idea, Wash, but...eliminating the middle man, never as simple as it sounds.

Wash

[Looks at Zoe, who looks away] You heard about my —

Mal

About 50% of the human race is middlemen and they don't take kindly to being eliminated. This quadrant...we play nice. Got enemies enough as it is.

Book

Didn't Inara express a wish for privacy?

Kaylee

Oh… we've gotta see who she's got. I bet he's handsome. I think he's gonna bring her flowers.

Kaylee

Oh— there he is!

Mal

Well, he looks the respectable sort. Welcome aboard. I'm Captain Malcolm Rey—

We're all clear here, councilor.

Mal

...Huh.

Book

Ohh, my.

Kaylee

Oh, gosh, I-I knew she took female clients, I just, uh- [laughs] They look so glamorous together.

Jayne

...I'll be in my bunk.

Jayne

I'll be in my bunk.

Zoe

Jayne, grab your weapon.

Book

Thank God you're safe.

Kaylee

Oh my God, what happened?

Simon

Let me take a look— how bad is it?

Wash

I'm fine. [Wash and Zoe push through the crew blocking the hallway.]

Inara

Where's Mal?

Zoe

Niska wouldn't let him go.

Inara

Is he alive?

Zoe

For now. [Zoe hands a bundle to Simon.] Take that to the infirmary— put it on ice.

Kaylee

W-w-what is that?

Simon

It's his ear.

Zoe

We're getting him back!

Jayne

What are we gonna do, clone him?

Simon

Well it's a clean cut; with the right equipment I should be able to reattach it. [Simon looks up.] That's assuming there's a head.

Wash

Grenades?

Zoe

Oh, yes. Thank you, dear. [Turning to Jayne] They won't be expecting it.

Jayne

Right. 'Cause they ain't insane.

Book

This should do.

Zoe

Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killin'?

Book

Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.

Jayne

What?

Zoe

Let's go get the cap'n.

Yep, he's dead.

Mal

I know it's a... [puts Zoe's hands on his hip and shoulder] difficult mission, but you and I... [places his hands likewise on her] have to get it on.

Zoe

I understand. We have no choice. [deadpan] Take me, sir. Take me hard.

Jayne

[walking in] Well, somethin' about that is just downright unsettlin'.

Wash

We'll be in our bunk. (slaps Zoe's butt as they leave)

Jayne

[sniffing] Oh, hey— [smacks Mal in the chest where he was tortured] free soup.

Mal

Saffron has a notion we can walk right in there, take the Lassiter right off his shelf.

Wash

I'm confused.

Saffron

You're asking yourself if I've got the security codes, why don't I go in, grab it for myself?

Wash

No. Actually, I was wondering... what's she doing on this ship?

Wash

We're in space! How'd she get here?

Mal

She hitched.

Wash

I don't recall pulling over!

Jayne

Okay. I got a question. If she's got the security codes, why don't she just walk in and grab it herself?

Saffron

[sarcastically] Good point!

Mal

Zoe? You ain't said a word. Time to weigh in.

Zoe

Take sounds ripe enough, assuming we can fence it.

Saffron

I know a guy on Persephone. Already has half dozen buyers on the bid.

Zoe

But Inara ain't wrong.

Zoe

She can't be trusted.

Mal

I ain't asking you to trust her. I'll be with her on the inside the whole time.

Saffron

See there? All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is... get over it.

Zoe

Hmm. Okay.

Zoe

I'm in.

River

She's a liar.

Jayne

That don't exactly set her apart from the rest of us. The plunder sounds fun enough.

River

She's a liar, and no good will come of her.

Jayne

Well, as a rule, I say, girlfolk ain't to be trusted.

River

[grinning] "Jayne" is a girl's name.

Jayne

Well, Jayne ain't a girl! She starts in on that girl's-name thing, [reaches into his pants] I'll show her good 'n' all, I got man parts!

Simon

I'm... trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just... it's not coming.

River

Afraid.

Simon

We'll be okay. Why the captain is trusting that BOO hway-HUN duh PUO-foo is beyond—

River

Not her. Jayne.

Simon

Afraid? Since when?

River

Since Ariel. Afraid we'll know.