Jayne Cobb quotes from Firefly

Mal

The management here don't take too kindly to sightseers, [which is] why we're posin' as buyers. There ain't-a one of us looks the part more than the good doctor. I mean, the pretty fits, soft hands, definitely a moneyed individual. All rich and lily-white, pasty all over—

Simon

All right! Fine, I'll go. Just... stop describing me.

Mal

You're the boss, boss.

Jayne

He's the boss now? [sarcastically] This day just keeps gettin' better and better.

Wash

You haven't been here in years, Jayne. You really think you need that getup? No one's gonna remember you.

Mal

I think it's possible they might.

Simon

Son of a bitch!

Mal

You wanna tell me how come there's a statue here, lookin' at me like I owe him something?

Jayne

Wishin' I could, cap'n.

Mal

No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me...?

Jayne

Look, Mal, I got no ruttin' idea! I was here a few years back, like I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lotta scratch from the magistrate up on the hill. But things went way south. I had to hightail it. They don't... put you on a pedestal in town square for that.

Mal

Yeah, 'cept I'm looking at some fair compellin' evidence says they do.

Simon

This must be what going mad feels like.

Jayne

Hey, I got an idea. Instead of us hanging around playing art critic till I get pinched by the Man, how's about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our 'creasingly eerie-ass day, how's that?

Mal

I don't know. This here's a spectacle that might warrant a moment's consideration.

Kaylee

[shifting back and forth] Wherever I move to, his eyes keep... followin' me.

Jayne

Can't be a statue of me, no reason for it. Flies in the face of every kinda sense.

Wash

Won't argue with that. [Drinks, then spits it out] Je shr shuh muh lan dong shi?!

Jayne

Mm. They call it "Mudder's milk". All the protein, vitamins and carbs of your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus fifteen percent alcohol.

Mal

Uh, Jayne?

Jayne

Yeah, Mal?

Mal

You got any light you'd like to shed on this particular development?

Jayne

No, Mal.

Simon

No. This must be what going mad feels like.

Wash

We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm a hero!

Mal

So, that's where the little "Jayne Day Celebration" we got planned comes in. Should give us enough time to get the goods back onto Serenity.

Jayne

I don't know. You think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?

Mal

You better laugh when you say that.

Jayne

No, really, Mal, I mean, maybe there's something to this. The Mudders? I think I really made a difference in their lives. You know, me, Jayne Cobb.

Mal

I know your name, jackass!

For six months, we run together. He turned me out 'fore I could scream!

Jayne

You'd-a done the same.

No. Never. You protect the man you're with. You watch his back! Everybody knows that! Well, except the "hero of Canton".

Jayne

Hell, there weren't a-one of them understood what happened out there; they're... probably stickin' that statue right back up.

Mal

Most like.

Jayne

I don't know why that eats at me so.

Mal

It's my estimation that... every man ever got a statue made of him was one kind of sumbitch or another. Ain't about you, Jayne. It's about what they need.

Wash

Monastic humor. I miss out on all the fun.

Jayne

[interrupting] Now, Inara - she's gotta have some funny whorin' stories, I'd wager.

Inara

[laughing] Do I ever! Funny and sexy. [laughs] You have no idea... [suddenly serious] and you never will.

Simon

How did… how'd you know? River, did you...?

River

"Day" is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable. [pauses] I didn't get you anything.

Kaylee

Hope you like it. Couldn't get ahold of no flour, so it's mostly protein. In fact, it's pretty much what we just had for dinner. [everyone laughs] But I tried to make the frosting as chocolate-y tasting as possible, so.

Simon

Thank you. I'm really, I'm, um, very, very deeply moved. Thank you.

Jayne

Well... deeply move yourself to blow out them candles so we can try a slice.

Mal

I'm gettin' a little weary of this attitude, Wash.

Wash

[chuckling] Are you? Well, I'm so very sorry, sir. I guess the news that we're all gonna be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me a little snippy.

Wash

What do you expect me to do, Mal?

Mal

Whatever you have to! And if you can't do it from here, then get a suit on and go outside on the side of the boat—

Wash

And what?! Wave my arms around?

Mal

Wave your arms around, jump up and down, divert the navsats to the transmitter - whatever.

Wash

Divert the— Right! Because teenage pranks are fun when you're about to die!

Mal

Give the beacon a boost, wouldn't it?

Wash

Yes, Mal! It would boost the signal. But even if some passerby did happen to receive, all it would do is muck up their navigation!

Mal

Could be that's true.

Wash

Damn right, it's true! They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go anyplace.

Wash

Well, maybe I should do that then!

Mal

Maybe you should!

Wash

Ok!

Mal

Good!

Wash

Fine!

Jayne

Hey! [they both turn] [What the] guay you two think you're doin'? Fightin' at a time like this. [pause] [You'll] use up all the air.

Reason? He's gonna talk to us about reason now.

Jayne

Yeah, that's a joke.

Mal

Which one you figure tracked us?

Zoe

The ugly one, sir.

Mal

[nods, pauses] Could you be more specific?

Do we look reasonable to you?

Mal

Well, looks can be deceiving.

Jayne

Not as deceiving as a low-down... dirty... deceiver.

Mal

Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?

Zoe

Had a kind o' poetry to it, sir.

Mal

Look, forget anything I said. I'm sure you're treated very well. You get the perks, got your own room.

Mal

No? You share a bunk?

Jayne

[indicates third bandit] With that one.

Mal

[smirks] Really.

Jayne, this ain't funny!

Jayne

Huh, yeah, I ain't laughing.

Mal

You move on over to this side, we'll not only show you where the stuff's at, we'll see to [it] you get your fair share. Not no sad seven [percent].

Jayne

[interest piqued] Private room?

Jayne!

Mal

Your own room. Full run of the kitchen. Whole shot.

Jayne, I ain't asking-

Jayne

[shoots Marco in the leg] Shut up. [aims at the other bandit without looking] How big a room?

Simon

River you have to eat. It's good. It tastes like—

Simon

It's good.

Jayne

It smells like crotch.

Kaylee

Jayne!

Jayne

Well, it does.

Mal

No one is setting foot on that fancy rock. I don't want anyone leaving the ship. Come to think of it, I don't want anyone looking out the windows or talking aloud.

Jayne

What's the point of coming to the core if I can't even step off the boat?

Mal

You could have got off with Shepherd Book at the Bathgate Abbey. Could've been meditating on the wonders of your rock garden by now.

Jayne

Well, it beats just sittin'.

Wash

It is just sitting.

Simon

Could you not do that while we're… ever?

Wash

So, two days in a hospital? That's awful! Don't you just hate doctors?

Simon

Hey!

Wash

I mean, present company excluded.

Jayne

Let's not be excludin' people. [grins] That'd be rude.

River

He looks better in red.

Mal

Patients were cynical, and not responding, and we couldn't bring 'em back.

Simon

They were cyanotic...

Mal

They were cyanotic...

Simon

...and not responsive...

Mal

...not responded— responsive...

Simon

...and we were unable to...

Zoe

Res—

Mal

Resuscitate them!

Simon

Which methods did you use?

Zoe

We— we tried pulmonary stimulators, and— and cardiac... we...

Simon

Infusers.

Zoe

Infusers!

Simon

What about cortical electrodes?

Jayne

Oh! [long pause] We forget 'em.

Simon

Let's try that again.

Mal

Pupils were fixed and dilapitated—

Simon

Dilated.

Mal

Dilated. Dilated! Ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng! Shiny.

Jayne

Unable to get a neural...

Simon

Response.

Jayne

Response! Hell, I don't know. If I wanted schooling, I'd-a gone to school.