"If there's one place he can be absolutely assured of peace and quiet..."
AH, FECK! [Father Jack falls down the stairs shouting] Feck, feck, feck, feck, feck!
"I think it would be an insult to you if I were to finish that sentence."
S3Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep
FFargo
Father Crilley! Hello there!
Fargo! (nods towards Chris the sheep) How's the champ?
FFargo
Ah he's great. Few quid on him this year Father?
I put the entire annual heating allowance on him to win.
FFargo
If he doesn't win... what does that mean Father?
Well... we won't have any heating. But if the rest of the year stays as warm as the summer, we're laughing!
(Hud and Giant are having a practiced conversation in front of Chris the sheep, knowing that the animal is listening to them)
HHud
Have you heard of this creature going around terrorizing animals on the island?
GGiant
No! Tell me more.
HHud
They say it's as big as a jaguar.
GGiant
The car?
HHud
No, the big cat thing. And its face is nothing but big white teeth as sharp as knives.
GGiant
Has it killed yet?
HHud
No, but it's only a matter of time.
GGiant
Hope it doesn't attack me and my sheep.
HHud
Not even a man's sheep is safe.
GGiant
Oh dear.
(The camera moves to a close up of Chris the Sheep's face)
HHud
Oooohhhh... (ie worrying sound)
GGiant
Oooohhhh...
HHud
Oooohhhh...
(Worrying sounds from Hud and Giant continue)
(Dougal is listening to a BBC sound effects record while Ted reads the paper)
I think people will soon give up listening to pop music and listen to this type of thing instead.
You know, from what I hear the charts today, I'm not sure if that's happening already!
(confused) What?
S3Speed 3
There were a lot of sloppy efforts in the best baby competition this year. A lot of very hairy babies.
Well, Ted, if people aren't even going to shave their babies before the show...
You wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now Father? Would ya?
Yes I...no I...if you're going to be...I...of course you, you...just feck off!
[trips over a brick Jack is dragging round on a piece of string] Wha... what's going on!?
Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him! He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground!
I love my brick!
Ah, that's nice. Maybe we're seeing a new side to Father Jack? A more caring, considera--
[Jack suddenly hurls the brick at Ted, knocking him out]
Ah, feck it! Fed up with "briiiiiick"!
[After Father Dougal has encountered some naked women at the very begining of the episode; last line of the episode]
Those women were in the nip!
FMr. Fox
(Dougal's New Boss) You'd better get going, actually. Milk gets sour y'know. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because it's shite.
Oh, Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.
What! How dare you!
Pat (raising an enormous adjustable spanner): Yes, too big for the milk float.
[In a menacing phone call to Ted] You got me sacked. And now I'm having to yank meself off around the clock because I'm not getting proper sex with girls!
"[after Ted puts the brick on the accelerator and tells him to step off the float, waving the brick in the air]" Ted! You forgot your brick!"
(referring to the baby competition) I thought the standard this year was rubbish.
It was awful alright. A lot of very sloppy babies, who looked as though they really couldn't be bothered. And the hairiness of some of those babies; It was a very hairy baby parade.
Exactly Ted, if people aren't even going to shave their babies before they come out, I mean...
(still laughing evilly in the phone box) Oh yes, I'm afraid you messed with the wrong milkman, Father. (puts on sunglasses) Well, if you don't mind, I'm off. Better get out the earplugs, Father, because when that milk float goes up (the bomb-rigged milk float, now with no driver, wanders up behind the phone box without Pat noticing), you'll hear it all the way to the North Po-
(The scene cuts to an Inuit man fishing in the Arctic. He hears a large explosion and looks around in confusion, indicating that the milk float has detonated, killing Pat. The scene then cuts to the parochial house telephone, which is now buzzing.)
S3The Mainland
Feckin' birds again.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.