(Jack is having his eyesight tested).
OOptician
Well I'm confused. His eyesight seems to be perfect. He read all the way down to the last line of the chart, and even I can't see that one.
(The chart is reavealed to repeat the word "drink" over and over.)
I see. Thing is, Jack has a great fondness for that particular word.
OOptician
Well, it's the first time I've used that particular chart actually. I got it free with a promotional crate of Carlsberg.
Okay, we'll come back and pick Jack up later. (They leave.)
OOptician
And now for a chart made by Slovakia's premier lens manufacturers, Feck Arse Industries. (She replaces the chart with a new chart which repeats the words "Feck Arse" over and over.)
Upon meeting Richard Wilson, a.k.a. Victor Meldrew
You know what he'd love? He'd really love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase.
Oh, yeah, Ted! He'd love that! You should definitely do that.
Oh, yeah. I'd say no-one ever does that to him. He'll think you're hilarious. You know, this is one of those times where I'm absolutely, one hundred million percent sure that you'll be doing the right thing. I can safely say that you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that.
Okay, I'm going to do it. Will I?
[Ted walks over to Wilson, who is talking to a tour guide]
(yells loudly) I don't believe it!
[Wilson violently assaults Ted, and has to be restrained]
I'll bloody well kill you!
[Ted eventually escapes Wilson, and walks back to Dougal, looking shellshocked]
Well? What did he say? Did he laugh?
No. No, no, no. Not really. I'm going to sit down now.
[Father Jack is unwittingly attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting]
RRonald
At that stage, I was drinking over a pint of vodka a day.
RRonald
Yes. At that point, all I could think about was where the next drink was coming from.
RRonald
I didn't give a damn about my wife or kids.
TGTour Guide
Now, this rock here is actually granite.
How long would that have been there?
TGTour Guide
Oh, many, many millions of years.
Really, as long as that? That is fascinating.
How come all the rocks are different sizes?
TGTour Guide
Well... you know, rocks are generally different sizes.
Wow! I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks.
TGTour Guide
Of course, at this time, this whole area would have been submerged underwater.
How did everyone breathe?
They'd have had some sort of apparatus.
Oh, right. Wow, look at that rock over there!
TGTour Guide
This is actually the oldest part of our tour. This particular cave was formed more than fifteen million years ago.
Really? Wow, I don't believe it.
[the man in front of Ted turns around; it's Richard Wilson]
You again! [attacks Ted] Get out of it, I don't want to see you again! BASTARD!
TTony
(Losing patience) WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
(Offended) Well Tony, that wasn't very friendly. I don't think I like you any more. In fact, I'm putting you on my enemies list. (Gets out a notepad and begins writing). (Suddenly happy again) Only joking! See what I really wrote. (He shows Tony his pad. It reads "I REALLY like Tony".
TTony
(Losing patience) WILL YOU SHUT UP! WILL YOU! WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP! WILL YOU SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
(Offended) Well... well I've never... I've never... Tony, I'm putting you on my list of enemies. (Gets out a notepad and begins writing)There...you're in for it now Tony... (Suddenly happy again) HA! Only joking! See what I really wrote. (He shows Tony his pad. It reads "I REALLY like Tony".
Pub! DRINK! [goes inside the pub and starts pounding on the bar] DRINK, DRINK, DRINK! DRINK!
[Ronald happens by the pub, and sees Jack through the window. He runs inside and grabs a bottle of whiskey out of Jack's hands]
RRonald
Don't do it, Father! I won't let you do it! I know it hurts, but believe me, you're going to thank me for--
[cut to an ambulance driving down the street, with its lights flashing and siren sounding]
