Father Ted Season 1 quotes

Henry Sellers

I'll give you a clue: you live there.

Oh sorry, I lent on the buzzer by accident.

Henry Sellers

Okay, moving on. A stitch in time saves how many?

Oops, sorry!

London?

God, this reminds me of Vietnam.

Father Ted

Were you in Vietnam, sergeant?

Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.

Henry Sellers

Oh what a shower of bastards!

Oh Lord Ted!, why did you give him a drink?

Father Ted

I didn't know this would happen!

That's why they sacked him from that programme, he's a terrible alcoholic and he's been on the wagon now for a year, Oh my god Ted!

Father Ted

How was I supposed to know?

Henry Sellers

Sack me!, Sack me! I made the BBC! (sobs) I made it!

Father Ted

Henry, maybe if you have a rest you'll feel better?

Henry Sellers

Get away from me, priest!

Father Ted

Perhaps it's time to go to bed!

Father Ted

(After Henry kicks television) Good man there's nothing on anyway!

Henry Sellers

Do you want a fight?!

Henry Sellers

Bloody priests, sanctimonious scumbags!

Father Ted

Absolutely!

Henry Sellers

Made my life a bloody misery!

Father Ted

Sorry about that are you sure you don't want to go to bed, we could stay up a bit longer perhaps!

Henry Sellers

Oh I'm fed up of you bastards! I'm getting outta here don't you try and stop me (smashes through window)

Father Dougal

It's true what they say isn't it you should never meet your heroes you'll only be disappointed!

Henry Sellers

Oh well, since I didn't humiliate myself too much last time, I might as well have a glass of champagne. Cheers!

Father Ted

Henry, no!

Henry Sellers

Mmm! Don't worry, Father. Sure, if I can't celebrate tonight, then when can I, the bastards! What the hell is going on here, how dare they do this to me?! How dare they sack me! I'm Henry Sellers! I'm Henry Sellers!

Father Ted

Well, there he goes again.

Father Dougal

You're right there, Ted.

Father Ted

Never mind, we can look for him in the morning.

Father Ted

[annoyed] I'll just have to go as Mother Teresa again! [sits down]

Father Jack

Who are you supposed to be?

Father Ted

Elvis. I'm Elvis.

Father Jack

I'm Elvis.

Father Ted

I know you're Elvis, Father, we're all Elvis. That's the problem!

(Dressed in blackface and drag as Diana Ross) Five pounds Ted. (hands Ted money)

Father Ted

(Smiles) Hard luck Dick.

(Dressed in blackface and drag as one of The Supremes) Did we not win Dick?

Father Ted

(Mocking) "No we didn't win Cyril!". This year the trophy goes to Craggy Island!

Father Ted

Never mind. I give you every chance of winning next year.

Do you really Ted?

Father Ted

NOOOOO!

Come on Cyril, let's go home.

(enters the room drunk and muttering) Where's the fecking whiskey?

Plenty of whiskey at home father!

Father Dougal

That Cyril McDuff's an awful eejit isn't he Ted?

Mrs Doyle

Here you are, Father. It's a beautiful day out.

Father Jack

Me arse!

Father Jack

(as Dougal wheels him on his chair with Mrs Doyle holding the door) Nuns! NUNS! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse!

Mrs Doyle

[quoting Polly Clark's books] "Eff you! Eff your effing wife! I'll stick this effing pitchforkup your hole", oh that was another one, oh yes![...] "Bastard this" and "Bastard that", you can't move for the bastards in her novels; it's wall-to-wall bastards![...] You bastard, you fecker, you bollocks! Get your bollocks out of my face! [...] "Ride me sideways" was another one!

Father Ted

(as Tom comes out of the Post Office with money, to the sound of a robbery alarm and a gunshot) Ya haven't been up to your auld tricks again, have ya?

Tom

No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

Father Ted

Anyway the thing is I might not be able to say this evening's Mass.

Sister Assumpta

(aggressively) What Father?

Father Ted

I have something quite important to do.

Sister Assumpta

Not more important than saying Mass Father?

Father Ted

It's just. Someone I know is dying.

Sister Assumpta

Oh dear. Is it serious?