Oh Holy Mother of God! He's dead!
What's the problem there, sister?
S1Grant unto Him Eternal Rest
Father Ted (to Father Jack): Ah come on Father, you're not dead again are you?
Father Dougal (giving the last rites): Well we are gathered here today to join two people... oh wait, that's not it...
So anyway, you're there now with Our Lord and Stalin and Bob Marley and my own parents...,
Right, well it looks bad alright. I called Dr. Sinnot, I gave him the symptoms over the phone and he said he's probably dead alright. The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign.
FJFather Jim Sutton
Why is it always the good ones? You BASTARD! (shakes fist to Heaven) He could've been Pope! No no no, he's dead Ted awww we'll never see him again!
We'll see him in the next world.
FJFather Jim Sutton
Oh yeah, sure!!
Father Dougal, catching Jack's will after Ted faints: Half a million pounds each? (Scans document) Ah no. Between us. It's only a quarter of a million pounds each Ted. Ted? Ted? (looks around confused)
LSLaura Sweeney
When is the funeral again?
Again? We haven't had the first one yet!
Father Dougal to Laura Sweeney: If you're a solicitor I'm Boy George. (Next scene) Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon...
It's true what they say about these career women. They're very aggressive.
Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted?
Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn't hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that...
Ah, you would. They use very bad language.
Effin' this and effin' that...
Oh, it was much worse than that, Ted, she was saying fu...
Now, Dougal!
Father Dougal (on confessions): A load of strangers telling you their sins. Sure who'd be bothered with that?
Ted do you believe in the afterlife?
Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife.
Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted!
Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"?
[quoting The Dead] "It's beginning to snow again. The flakes, silver and dark, are falling obliquely against the lamplight. It's probably falling all over the island; on the central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and headstones, upon all the living and the dead..."
SHUT THE FECK UP!
DRINK! DRINK! (after a few seconds of silence and staring directly at the camera, he breaks the fourth wall) FECK OFF!
(Ted and Dougal have suggested to Sister Monica that they visit some of the sights on Craggy island)
That's wonderful. I'll just go and freshen up.
(Sister Monica leaves the room)
Father Dougal (to Ted): She'll be putting on makeup I suppose... to impress the lads. Huh?
Ah no she's probably just going to the toilet.
Ah, nuns are great though Ted. It's good because you don't feel as nervous with them as you do with real women do you?
Ah you're right there.
Even though I only got the courage to talk to her a few minutes ago, it's nice to have a nun around. It gives the place a bit of glamour!
"A woman's touch" (nods head)
(Father Dougal suddenly gets serious and looks at Ted suspiciously)
(later..)
Father Dougal (to Sister Monica): Ted says you were touching him!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.