(Father Jack Hackett is dreaming of his past. It is a sepia toned memory of him working in a catholic girls school)
(In the memory, Jack is accompanied by a nun, and is standing in front of a blackboard with "Natural Procreation" written on it)
NNun
Girls (claps hands) Pay attention, we've got a special treat today.
(Father Jack is looking quite lecherous)
NNun
Father Hackett has very kindly volunteered to take you all for volleyball practice.
(The schoolgirls roll their eyes. They know what Jack's like)
NNun
And he's just reminded me that it's very warm today, so there'll be no need for your tracksuit tops.
(Father Jack tries not to grin)
(Ted is recovering from a fright because he thought he saw a vision of Mary. It was actually Dougal moving a statue of Mary at the window)
Ted, I'm so sorry. It was just a joke.
Try to avoid doing that again Dougal. I thought it was really... Herself. It's the last thing I need!
(Dougal is about to take Father Jack for a walk. Dougal asks him if he is coming too)
You're not coming yourself?
(Evasively) No, I think I'll stay here and... pray for a while.
(Dougal becomes suspicious)
(Funland, located at the Island's field, has opened)
AAnnouncer
Patrons are reminded that parking facilities are unavailable. That's a reminder of the unavailability of the parking facilities.
Attractions at Funland include:
Freak Pointing (a person sits in a chair and people point at him)
The Ladder (a standard wooden ladder that people can climb up under strict supervision)
Whirly Go Round (a circular platform that people can stand on which slowly rotates)
The Pond of Terror (an infant-sized wading pool with a plastic crocodile in it)
Goading the Fierce Man (people are encouraged to approach a large man on a step ladder)
Car Rides (people are driven around the edge of the field in a car)
Leading animals around with buckets on their head
The Spider Baby (a spider in a pram)
The Spinning Cat (a stuffed cat placed on a record player)
The Cradle of Death (people on a chair are lifted up by a crane)
Tarot Card Reading
Duck Startling (which somehow involves pigs)
The Tunnel of Goats (which is slightly dangerous to children, nurses and goats)
(Ted is annoyed that Father Dougal and Father Jack are at Funland)
You're supposed to be taking Father Jack for his walk!
Well, um, the cliffs were closed for the rest of the day.
How would cliffs be closed Dougal?
Okay, no, it wasn't that. They were gone!
(disbelieving) The cliffs were gone? How can they just disappear?
(Dougal is annoyed that he has to go back home from Funland and is arguing with Ted)
Dougal. You're a priest. You're supposed to show some decorum.
(barely audible) I wish I wasn't a priest.
I wish I wasn't a priest.
(motions towards father Jack in the wheelchair) Dougal! What if Jack heard you say that?
He told me one time he doesn't even believe in God!
(Ted has drawn three consecutive death cards from the tarot deck)
FTFortune Teller
This is really weird. There's only supposed to be one in each pack!
(Dougal is interviewed on television, discussing the Christian faith)
So... God. Does he really exist? I mean, who knows? I don't know. Personally I don't even believe in organised religion!
Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.
That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood.
Your brother is a doctor isn't he?
DSDermot Stone
Terrible is the word, Father. I tell you Father terrible is too small a word, and you just look what you've done to your mother you lazy little bastard, you're useless! Now Father I'm sorry for him causing you all this trouble. God forgive me for saying this but wouldn't it have been better if he had been killed!
(Father Stone, Ted and Jack are in the living room. Nobody is talking)
Are you sure you won't have any tea Paul?
FSFather Stone
No, I'm fine.
(long pause)
Right. Would you like me to turn on the television?
FSFather Stone
No thanks. I'm fine.
(another long pause)
Have you seen Father Shortall at all recently?
I was thinking what would he be? Would he be eighty now?
FSFather Stone
I suppose so.
(curious about their new guest) Who is it Ted?
Now Dougal... don't over-react.
(Ted takes a long drag on a cigarette to calm himself)
Right. (long pause). It's Father Stone.
(Dougal faints and falls to the floor)
(gets up) Whoah Ted. No, not him!
Why didn't you tell him not to come Ted? You said you would! You promised after the last time!
I tried but it's like trying to talk to a wall with a moustache!
