Don't call me "Len", you little prick! I'm a bishop!
Oh right. (pause) Well done.
S3Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse
Do you not notice the holy smell of the room?
Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack's underpants hamper.
Shall I make the beds in the spare room?
[sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch!
OK so... would you like a cup of tea?
[sarcastic] No, We want to die of thirst.
[uncertain] Ok so...
[quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic...
Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?
[still sarcastic] No, we'd like to die of thirst.
[looks confusedly at Father Ted]
[quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the opposite to what Father Jessup says.
[very uncertain] So, you really... do... want a cup of tea?
[exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup]
[takes the cup away, and looks very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly]
[Father Jack awakens and moves, rattling some cans of drink]
Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?
Arse biscuits!
What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately!
[in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.
[addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.
[During Bishop Brennan's meeting with Pope John Paul II]
HE DID KICK ME UP THE ARSE! [bowls the Pope aside and runs for a phone] Get me on the first plane back to Ireland! NOW, GODDAMN IT! [hangs up and sees the other priests, bishops and cardinals staring at him] What're ye looking at, huh!?
[angry] What brings me here, well I suppose the company, eh? Or the fresh air? Or the view from my window of that enormous pile of sludge?! But top of the list would be the matter of you kicking me up the arse!
[to Father Jack, scaring him] FECK OFF!!
Alright, Crilly, I’ll make this short. Show me the likeness and I'll be off. I have to be off to Rome for an audience with the pope.
I love those programmes. Have you seen the one with Elton John?
SHUT UP!
Father Jessup, what are you doing in Father Hackett's underpants hamper?
He locked me in here! Oh God... The smell!
Are you not terribly uncomfortable in there?
Of course I'm uncomfortable! I want to get out..."
[thinks for a few moments, before coming to a conclusion] Okay so! [leaves]
Where are you going? HELP ME!
S3Night of the Nearly Dead
I'm hugely confused, Ted...
It's like a big tide of jam coming towards us, but jam made out of old women.
Go away... (pause for thought) ...you big dirty pile of old biddies!
Go away! I don't want to catch the menopause!
(Looking out the Window)I'm no good at judging the size of crowds,but i'd say theres around seventeen million of them out there
You're not scared of the dark,are you?It's only cause the sun goes...and...its got something to do with clouds
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.