[last line of the episode; Richard Wilson has just arrived at the Parochial House, and Ted has answered the door]
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
S3The Mainland
TTony
(Losing patience) WILL YOU SHUT UP! WILL YOU! WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP! WILL YOU SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
(Offended) Well... well I've never... I've never... Tony, I'm putting you on my list of enemies. (Gets out a notepad and begins writing)There...you're in for it now Tony... (Suddenly happy again) HA! Only joking! See what I really wrote. (He shows Tony his pad. It reads "I REALLY like Tony".
Pub! DRINK! [goes inside the pub and starts pounding on the bar] DRINK, DRINK, DRINK! DRINK!
[Ronald happens by the pub, and sees Jack through the window. He runs inside and grabs a bottle of whiskey out of Jack's hands]
RRonald
Don't do it, Father! I won't let you do it! I know it hurts, but believe me, you're going to thank me for--
[cut to an ambulance driving down the street, with its lights flashing and siren sounding]
S3Escape from Victory
There's nothing stupid about football! And there's nothing at all stupid about the Annual All-Priests Five-a-Side over 75s Indoor Football Challenge Match, against Rugged Island.
Didn't you tell me once that Father Jack had a trial for Liverpool?
No... no, he was on trial, in Liverpool.
Last year, Dick made me photocopy my own rear end. They never let me in that library again.
God, Ted. D'you remember that fella who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?
So there's...no way he'll be able to play?
FNFather Niall
No. No, he's dead.
FDFather Dick Byrne
[on the phone] I am going to win again, Ted!
Ha, that's what you think, Dick, but we've got...Wait a minute! How'd you know I was here!?
[Dick hangs up. At the same time, an ice cream jingle plays from outside. Ted goes to the window and (presumably) sees Dick outside]
DAMN YOU, FATHER DICK BYRNE!
More bad news, Dougal. I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off. There's no way around it...I'm going to have to put him in goal.
(hesitantly, while watching football and reading from the book "Understnding football for women") Go on... my son.
Got the forfeit, Ted!
Oh God...
Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard.
All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me!
Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...
What is it!? Break it to me gently!
All right. [reads] Ted. By this time next week you have to...
What?
You have to...
What!? [snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!
Dougal, I don't want you to be physio this year. I want you to... look after the corner flags.
Oh God, Ted, for a second there I thought you were going to give me something completely stupid to do.
S3Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse
[Ted is dreaming of his new parish; a tropical island, where two of the natives have dragged him to the edge of a volcano as a human sacrifice]
Ah come on now, lads!
NNative
Quetzacoatl, the Volcano God is angry! We must appease his wrath!
Volcano God, what nonsense! Look, I'll ask again, will you not give Catholicism another try?
NNative
Nah, it wouldn't really catch on here. And sure, we don't agree with the Pope's line on artificial contraception; it's the 90s, for God's sake! [they throw Ted in]
I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.