They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting. Interminably waiting. And then...
He's right, Ted.
S3Night of the Nearly Dead
(To Ted) I can have you killed!
PPatsy
Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin's "problem."
Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it?
I have no willy.
Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became pope?
(long pause across end credits) Jim?
S3Going to America
FCFather Cagney
I know they're gonna love ya in the States, Ted. You put on a show! But remember, it's a competitive market! You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys! You gotta get your own inch, you gotta grab 'em! You know where to grab 'em?
Yeah, by the balls!
FCFather Cagney
I was gonna say by the shoulders...
The way I feel now...I could convert gays!
I got someone to come around and take away all the furniture and burn it in a big fire!
Now you're going to tell us you're Santa or something!
No, I... I'm the opposite to Santa.
What, the anti-Santa?!
Who are you? What are you doing here?
This is Father Buzz Cagney. He's here on a short visit. He's from America.
America, eh? We were just talking about that fella Kurt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shot-gun. How'd he manage to survive that?
He didn't, Dougal... he died.
Oh right.
[Final Lines]
(Father Ted and Father Cagney are wearing motorbike helmets to protect themselves from Father Jack's nail cutting)
FCFather Cagney
How much money did this parish bring in last year?
How much money? God I don't know.
(One of Father Jack's fingernails is clipped and breaks a window)
Another bloody window gone!.. I suppose we take in about 150, maybe 200 pounds.
(Another one of Father Jack's fingernails flies free and strikes Ted in the helmet)
Mrs Doyle! Aim into the wall, please.
FCFather Cagney
200 pounds huh? What's that? Not even 400 dollars. You know what I'd do with 400 dollars? I'd wipe my ass with 400 dollars.
(Father Ted is disgusted at this)
Good God. And can that still be used as legal tender?
Well, as long as we all go to America with you... that's the important thing. I think if I heard that I couldn't go for any reason, I'd have to say that that would be the single most crushing blow of my life. A disappointment like that? I don't see how I could live with it. I might have to take the ultimate step... and take my own life!
Mrs Doyle that's a terrible thing to say!
Well it doesn't matter anyway because I am going to America! (laughs hysterically)
(Ted, Dougal, Jack and Mrs Doyle are standing in the check-in queue at the airport)
(genuinely excited) You know Ted, all my life I've dreamed about something really special happening to me, and now it is! I think this is the greatest moment of my life!
(her head popping up behind Dougal) Me too!
BIG BRAS!
[Final Lines]
Night, Dougal.
Night, Ted.
S3Unknown Episodes
That's mad, Ted.
Go on, go on, go on, go on...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.