Ray Barone quotes from Everybody Loves Raymond

Ray

Were you in my office, mom?

Marie

Yeah I was trying to get a pen to do the crossword puzzles. You know, your desk drawer is locked.

Yeah, we lock it now. It keeps the kids out.

Marie

Oh, that's a good idea! I broke a knife in it.

Extra sauce!

Bernie

She's the saucy one.

And the assorted fried cheeses plate.

Ray

He's the fat one!

Frank

Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this... Your great-uncle Gus, dead!

Ray

Oh, no I liked him.

Robert

Yeah me too... Hey nuts!(referring to a bowl of nuts on the table)

Frank

He wants you to deliver his eulogy

Ray

Why? I hardly knew the guy.

Frank

It was his dying wish.

Robert

Even dead people love Raymond.

Debra

Hey, do you know what I think is really sexy?

Ray

What?

Debra

A man who does the dishes.

Ray

No, does nothing for me... Do you know what does it for me? A woman who does the dishes... with another woman!

Ray

Some funeral, huh?

Debra

Yeah.

Ray

Wanna do it?

Ray

Hi, I'm Ray. I'm here to talk about... Gus Barone.

Robert

Haaaaarrrr!!!

Ray

Thank you.

Ray

You know I read somewhere where the happiest marriages are the ones where the man is smarter.

Debra

Oh, guess who wrote that...

Debra

You promised you'd get this done!

Ray

That's not the point. The point is that... I will rub your feet!

Debra

You gotta, you gotta get this done.

Ray

Don't worry, in fact the whole idea of rubbing feet makes me sick.

Debra

Just shut up and rub.

Debra

That's not rubbing, that's tickling!

Robert

Glad to see you're not busy.

Ray

What makes you think we're not busy, Rob?

Bernie

[Angelina walks away] Ahh, did you smell her?

Ray

No, I read the sign Bernie, "Thank You for not smelling the help."

Bernie

Oh, man look at her. If I wasn't married, do you know what I'd do?

Ray

You'd wear the same underwear every day.

Frank

Hello, ladies!

Ray

What are you doing here?

Frank

Hehehe, I came to check out the new waitress.

Ray

Oh god.

Hello, will you be staying for lunch?

Frank

Holy Crap! Uh....yes, I will, thank you.

Debra

Ray, Robert is still here.

Ray

Hey, Robert! What are you doing here?

Robert

I had a suspicion I needed to confirm.

Debra

Robert, what's wrong?

Robert

I don't think Michael loves me anymore.

Debra

What are you talking about?

Robert

He's not like Geoffrey, he seems standoffish.

Ray

You do know Michael is a baby, right?

Robert

Just a feeling. Cop's instinct. He wants nothing to do with me.

Debra

According to this, we can afford a car phone.

Ray

No. No car phone.

Debra

Why? Why do you fight technology?

Ray

I'm against technology?

Debra

Yeah.

Ray

Who introduced you to Wonderbra?

Ray

All three kids asleep. You thought I couldn't get Ally to take a nap.

Debra

Good job, honey.

Ray

Yeah. By the way, tomorrow we have to buy a pony.