Presto quotes from Dungeons & Dragons

AAAAAHHHHH!!!

Eric

We're saved! We're saved... (finds they're on a giant wasp)

Eric

WE'RE NOT saved....AAAAAHHHHH!

If we stay here Venger will destroy our world!

Presto

If we give him our weopons, he'll conquer Dungeonmaster and the Realm!

Eric

(laughs) Those saps can go back if they want to; not me. Nope, I'm home, and I'm staying.... Nothing can make me change my mind-

Venger

Give me that shield.

Eric

(panics) I've changed my mind. Hank, wait for me! (after the kids return to the Realm)

Eric

Hurry ...if we closed the box Venger will be trapped forever.

Hank

No way...He'll be trapped in our world.

Presto

By the time we'd get back..he'll take over the planet.

Presto

Sorry, Eric. My hat doesn't work too well when it's wet.

Eric

Or any other time.

Presto

(to the lost children, seeing Alfore) He's one of you?

Bobby

You're one of him?

(confused noises)

Eric

You guys grow up to be Wookiees?!

Hank

Presto shut it down!

Presto

I DON'T KNOW HOW!

Presto

Nice going Presto! First you loose your friends and then Uni. Some magician you are! Why don't you do everyone a favor and make yourself disappear?

Hank

(disbelieving) Make friends with Venger?

Eric

Oh, sure - how are we supposed to do that?

Presto

Buy him another horn for his helmet?

Eric

Oh, come on, I know exactly where we are!

Presto

Yeah, a hundred miles from nowhere and fifty miles from anyplace.

Presto

Aw, Hank, can't we stay? Ramuud's awfully nice.

Yeah, it's the next best thing to having a real dad.

Eric

(depressed) Are you kidding? He's better than my dad ever was.

Hi, Sheila! Hi, Bobby! How did you guys get in my dream?

Sheila

Dream? This is real!

Eric

As soon as you get home, call our parents!

Bobby

Tell them we're okay! Tell them everything's okay!

Hank

We'll be home as soon as we find a portal back!

Wait a minute, are you guys cracked? This is Sunday night, you guys went to the amusement park and I couldn't go because I had homework, remember? And I'm asleep now, and this is just a dream.

Presto

No, no! I-It's real, and we're lost! Tell our parents!

I'm sure! Look, I'll see you in the morning at school, okay? Then you can show me another one of your dumb card tricks, eh, "Presto"? (laughs) See you around, guys. (disappears)

(describing "The Green Ones") They have ugly flat noses, and tusks that stick up, and mean eyes!

Presto

Wait a minute, I know that description. (walks off, thinking) It's coming.... it's coming- (walks into Orc captain) Aaaahhh! It's here!

Presto

Just how far is it to this city, Eric?

Eric

How am I supposed to know?

Presto

You're Dungeon Master, remember?

Eric

Oh. Right. Let's see, what would Dungeon Master say? (in a riddle-like tone) "You will find it, unless it finds you first; it is a long way off- yet in truth, it is very near!" (normal) How was that?

Presto

Venger is putting us ON ICE.

ERic

YOU MEAN IN ICE.

Somebody better do something...or we'll be stuck in this deep freeze forever.

Master there is no sign of them

Venger

WHAT THEY HAVE ESCAPED AGAIN? THIS IS THE LAST TIME

Eric

(in the Dragon's Graveyard) Now what?

Hank

Now we find Tiamat.

Eric

(looks around at the skeletons) How do we know which one of these is her?

Presto

Simple, dummy: she'll be the one who attacks us.

Hank

Relax, Bobby. A boy your age shouldn't feel that much hate.

Bobby

I told you all before, don't worry about me... worry about Venger.

Eric

Hold it right there, Captain Shortness! (Bobby turns around) Not you, the other one! This stupid safari's not taking another step until you tell us what's going on!

Dungeon Master

(pauses) We are running, Cavalier! For our very lives!

Eric

(grabs Dungeon Master's shoulder) From what? Come on, this is a joke, right? You're looking at old pros here! We've survived everything this silly Realm's dished out, from five-headed dragons to one-horned Vengers!

Presto

Yeah, everything except triple-eyed, double-fanged, flying purple people-eaters.

Bobby

Are you kidding? I got one of those last week!

Eric

Give it up, Presto. Nothing in that hat's gonna help us!

Presto

Well, not unless you want a-a set of highway safety flares! Or-Or a battery-powered emergency radio! .... with no batteries. Or maybe a copy of.... "Ranger Fred's Guide to Survival in the Amazon"? (groans) I think my stupid hat needs a tune-up.

Dungeon Master

No Cavelier You asked permission (sternly gazes at Hank; Hank had not stopped Eric from trying to open the box; Hank admits he was wrong )