Drawn Together · Season 1
You're such a pretty cow.
We love you.
Nice horsey.
There you go, girl. Girl? Guys, live-action cow's acting really weird.
Let me see. [A close-up of live-action cow is having red eyes and foaming mouth] Red eyes, foaming mouth. Zoinks! Live-action cow has rabbis!
It's pronounced "rabies", although they're both incurable diseases.
She must have gotten rabies from live-action squirrel with big balls.
I shot Live-Action Cow and now she's dead! [Cries]
So tell me, bro, did you... [Whisper's into Wooldoor's ear]
What? Why would I do that? She was my friend!
So she's out there dead in the woods, her milky, white, supple udder just lying there in a remote forest clearing? Dibs! [kicks Clara in the leg and runs off]
Oh Tim! [Jumps into Captain Hero/Tim's arms] Last night was so special! I mean, I've had a lot of gay sex in my life, uhm, a lot of gay se- I mean a lot, a lot a lot a lot of gay se- I've had LOO-LOOOTS of gay sex, HUGE huuge amounts of [Tries to find words] LOOTS! [In confessional] Right, Craig?
Put the gun down.
He's the only fucking dog who's good enough to wear fucking pants? Well, I want to wear the fucking pants for once.
Oh Tim, you're such a stitch. You're so much more fun than Captain Hero.
[impersonating Captain Hero] Oh! Look at me! I'm a big, dumb superhero who's big and dumb! Now I'm fondling a girl. Oopsie! She's dead!
[Xandir and "Tim" laugh; "Tim" falls into the lake]
You did not just do that! ["Tim" throws him into the lake; they kiss and the camera pans away from them] It unsnaps in the front.
[whispered] Sensors indicate that the T.V. reviewer is at the end of the hall.
Ok, guys, show no mercy. Remember, these people work in cubicles. So they're already dead inside. Let's move!
Oh Lord, if there is a sport that I can master, please give me a sign!
Hey, y'all, who wants to sponsor me? I'm goin' in the AIDS Walk next week. It's per mile.
Walk? I can walk! [Looks at the folder Foxxy is holding]
So you are going to sponsor me? You know it's per mile, right?
Hell's no, I'll be sponsoring you! I'll be sponsoring me, to win the AIDS Walk!
The Aid's Walk isn't a competition, asshole, it's a charity! Like "Not Spitting on Ugly People". [spits at Toot in the face] I gave at the office.
I'll practice night and day, and before you know it, I'll do more walking and have more AIDS than you can possibly imagine!
It's over. just drop the candy and step away from the ledge.
Please, mister. I didn't mean to do it.
I don't care. I'm telling you, step away or the bitch gets it!
Oh my God!
No! Don't do it!
I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT EVER AGAAAAAAIN!!!
Run! He's gonna kill me no matter what you do.
No, no, no. Don't do it. I give up. Uh!
Take him away. And now to tie up some loose ends. [gunshot]
Popeye, are you alright?
It's time ya knew. I've contracted the deadly AIDS virus from sharing steroid needles. [Shows his hand covered in bloody syringes]
AIDS? How come I've never heard of this AIDS? They should have a walk or something to raise awareness.
[coughs and wheezes] Get clean for me Cap'n. [Sings] Oh, I'm weak at the finish, 'cause AIDS beats out Spinach, I'm Popeye the dyin' man. [Toots] Of AIDS!
[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Hey, Xandir. My mama finally got her settlement check and bought herself a double-wide.
[as Xandir's father] Yes, and she deserved it. She gave up ten years of her life and six of her fingers for that chicken plant.
[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] You know, I've been practicing this trick where I drink 10 beers and let you do whatever you want to me, I'm getting REAL good at it.
[as Xandir's father] Mary Lou?
[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Hey, Xandir's dad. What happened to your eye?
[as Xandir's father] Nothing, nothing. What are you doing in this hour? It's getting dark.
[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Play practice went a little late.
[as Xandir's father] Hop in, I'll give you a ride home. You like Starship?
[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Who doesn't?
[Toot turns on the radio and "We Built This City" by Starship plays]
[as Xandir's father] Heater's broke, but it's warm over here. You can slide over nice and close. Mary Lou, I don't know why my boy ever broke up with you. You sure are a pretty little thing.
[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"] Why, thank you, Xandir's Dad.
[as Xandir's father] Now I know you've been with lots of boys, but have you ever been with a man?
[as "Mary Lou Slutsky"; She sucks Toot's thumb, moans]
[as Xandir's father] Ohhh, yeah...you like my thumb, don't you, bitch? Well, let me show you something almost as big.
Hey, Xandir, I just got this new wind-up duckie! Its feet actually paddle through the water!
Let's try it out in the bathtub! [they run up to the bathroom to find Toot about to put a toaster in the water] Why are you killing yourself this time, Toot?
It's my birthday and no one remembered. I'm fat, old, ugly, and everyone hates me!
Hmmm...maybe people hate you because you won't get out their bathtubs when they want to play with their duckies!
[Captain Hero uses his heat vision to make Toot run out, and Hero and Xandir are next seen in the bathtub watching the duckie waddle in the water]
Hey, Hero, I was thinking, we should throw Toot a surprise birthday.
If we're all gonna shout out what we're thinking, I'VE been thinking about paying a prostitute to shove bowling pins up my ass!
Two pieces of advice, princess: one, you won't wanna change your body if you learn to love it. And two, when you wipe, it's front to back.
An important lesson was learned that day on Wisteria Lane: even the slimiest cunt can get a job in real estate.
So cast, what'cha doin'?
Same old, same old. What's with you?
Just hosting the season finale.
How's that going?
Not too well. I shot someone.
Captain Hero, fan rumor has it that your relationship with Xandir has continued since the show ended.
Oh, you got it all wrong, habibe. Xandir had an affair with Tim Tommerson, not me. [everyone laughs] Fine, I'll prove it. Tim!
[Tim Tommerson walks out onto the stage. The audience and Xandir are shocked]
Oh my God, Tim! I thought you loved me!
Why would he love you when he could have all this? [Rips off his shirt and flexes his muscles]
You have something to say?
Those ain't real! Check these out! [flashes her breasts]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Drawn Together pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
