Drawn Together Season 1 quotes

Larry the Tomato

I'm sorry for thinking impure thoughts. [whips himself]

I'm sorry for being so phallic. [whips himself]

I'm sorry for buying child slaves from third world countries. [whips herself]

Free! [drops his feather duster]

[to the Chinese boy] I said "I'm sorry", not "stop dusting!"

I'm sorry I masturbated! [whips himself] And I'm sorry I helped people! [whips himself again] And I'm sorry I spied on Clara going potty every morning!

What? That's disgusting!

You're one to talk, Princess Smell-Your-Wipes. [Clara whips him]

Clara, stop! You mustn't use one of those. God forbids it!

Goddamn it, what's the point of having a secret deep programming room if everybody know where it is?

Clara, please put the clum baby down.

Spanky

But she's dying! She needs it!

I don't know what to do. I have the consumption.

Larry the Tomato

Then god wants you to have the consumption.

That's just retarded. What if God created clum babies because he wants Clara to live?

Larry the Tomato

But the bible says...

Spanky

Yeah, yeah, the bible says a lot of things...and not very clearly.

We ain't sayin' your interpretation is wrong, but perhaps the bible isn't a set of strict rules, but rather a guide to help each of us to find our personal relationship with the Lord.

I never thought of it that way.

Larry the Tomato

I guess that is possible.

[suddenly furious] ENOUGH FUCKING TALK! IN THE NAME OF GOD, PUT THE FUCKING CLUM BABY DOWN!

But, but...

Eh! But... but...but!

Jesus!

Larry the Tomato

This wasn't part of the plan! We agreed nobody would get hurt!

Spanky

Holy shit! Bob the Cucumber has gone crazy!

Is this crazy?

Spanky

No, please!

Please don't kill me! I don't want to die!

Don't be scared, Wooldoor. I saved them all from going to hell, and now I will save your soul too!

Oh... eh eh-eh-eh-eh!

Aah! Get off me! Get off me! I'm cured. The clum babies have cured me of my psychosis. I no longer cling to the comforting belief in an all-knowing power. Oh, dear. Did I do this? What have I done?! I thought I was doing god's work! No! No! I'm a monster. I can't live with this. [Gunshot]

Captain Hero, you are in direct violation of code 24601, gambling on your own battles.

What? Since when has that been illegal?

For as long as stealing, sexual assault and murder have been.

Those are illegal too? Wow, I really am a terrible superhero!

Folks, the League of Heroes and I tried to take a dive here today, and I think we all learnt an important lesson.

Yeah, you suck!

No, it's that even though we slaughtered the Indians and took their land, we shouldn't let them have casinos because gambling brings out the worst in weak-minded white people. In conclusion...USA! USA! USA!

At last we meet, Super Nanny! So whatcha got? A little X-ray vision, heat vision or, like our president, no vision at all? [Laughs] [In confessional] That's Super Satire.

What's going on in here?

Oh, nothing, Captain Shero is just trying to take my barrette!

It's pronounced Captain "Hero", the 'S' is silent, you hit-head!

Xandir

What is it, doc?

My dear house mates, I'm afraid Foxxy Love does not have a brain tumor. [the other housemates breathe a sigh of relief] I, too, would be relieved, if it didn't happen to be...OPPOSITE DAY!

Wait a minute, I'm confused. Does Foxxy have a brain tumor?

No.

What the hell? Is it opposite day or dramatic music string day?!

Neither!

Boys and girls...the brain! [the other housemates get out notepads] This is the part of the brain that controls your reflexes. [touches the brain and the patient's leg lifts up] This is the part of the brain that controls your bladder. [touches the brain again and blood squirts up from the patient] Man, that guy needs to see a doctor.

Spanky

Why? Is red pee bad?

What the hell does this have to do with Foxxy?!

I'm getting to that! This is the part of the brain that controls negative stereotype behavior.

[As a Jewish stereotype] Oy! I'll sue you for every penny! And then I'll invest it wisely!

Ooh! The ghostes! They's after me! Feets don't fail me now! [she runs onto a door and falls] Ooh!

Xandir

What the fuck was that?

By the time I arrived, the Mad-Libber was gone and Captain Girl had been poisoned to death.

Xandir

Poisoned? Then why is there blood on her uniform?

It was that time of the month.

Xandir

That doesn't really--

WHAT ARE YOU, TWELVE?! Once a month, in the most beautiful and natural process known possible, blood comes flowing out of a woman's butthole. But now, blood will never flow out of Captain Girl's butthole ever again!

A baby, from Nicaragua.

A baby! A baby from Nicaragua! [kisses the baby's face 8 times] Come on, baby from nicaragua, let's go fix mommy's life.

Xandir

Toot, where the hell you think you're going?

[carries her vodka bottle] The store. Mommy's completely run out of medicine.

Toot, if you don't start takin' care of your child, she gonna be real messed up!

Xandir

She's right, Toot. I mean, Ling-Ling was about to kill your baby.

Don't tell how to raise my baby! I know how to keep it safe! [puts herself and her baby inside a ring of fire] Who would dare to enter the Circle of Fire? Toodles! [exits the ring of fire and her coat is caught on fire]

Get the fuck out of the car. Move! Move! Move!

All right.

Shut up!

Just don't hurt me.

Now get in the trunk.

No way.

Get in the fucking trunk!

I don't wanna die!

"I don't wanna die." You're gonna fucking die. Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh! Whee! I'll show Captain Hero what a great sidekick I am.

Uh, gr-grandpa?

Spanky

Ooh, live-action poo!

Wooldoor, have you been going into the live-action forest again?

I, um, well, um, brought it home because I thought they'd make nice slippers.

It's an honest mistake.