Drawn Together Season 1 quotes

Ling-Ling

Father, why? You have so much to live for.

Oh, nothing bling me joy. I too old to battle, and my cataract make karaoke impossible.

We're not going to let them destroy us, are we, pledges?

Sir, never, sir!

And to prove it, Xandir, lock yourself in a trunk of a car with this bottle of whiskey and don't come out until it's empty! [Hands Xandir a bottle of "Jack Daniels"]

Xandir

Sir, yes, sir!

And Wooldoor, you tie one end of this rope to your penis and the other around this brick, and then throw it over the balcony!

Sir! Thank you for making my wish come true, sir!

[Puts on a "Make-a-Wish" cap] There goes one brave kid.

[In confessional] We started going out a lot and I think that Clara started to really like me. I was more excited than a passed-out college girl in my bedroom!

Hero, can we talk?

Xandir

He has nothing to say to you!

Shut up, Xandir. Can't you have one pair of lips that isn't always flapping in the wind?

I understand if you hate me. But I still think about you...a lot.

Gah, you miss the crashes. That's what you miss.

Sure, they were fun. But people being horribly maimed and disfigured means nothing, if I can't share it with you. Maybe we can give it one more shot, and cause a different kind of crash...between our hearts.

[offscreen] Boo!

[offscreen] Sir, please come with me.

[offscreen] What?! I didn't do anything!

[offscreen] I warned you.

[offscreen] I can boo if I want, it's a free country-- [getting handcuffed] Get off me!

[offscreen] I warned you.

[offscreen] You leave me alone! [getting electrocuted by a taser, screaming]

Think about it, Hero. [Dresses up as Waldo from Where's Waldo by putting on a red and white striped shirt, red and white pom pom hat and round glasses] You know where to find me. [Disappears into the crowd]

OH MY GOD! Sleeping Beauty? Snow White? Ariel?

I can't feel my fin!

That's what we get for letting Mulan drive.

Stay with me, Sleeping Beauty!

But I'm tired, so very tired. [she felt dead]

NOOO!!!

Well, once again, Captain Hero has saved the day. And remember, kids, never mess with the emotions of a dangerous lunatic. I'm off! [imitates plane engine, running around]

Hello?

Pardon me, sir, but did you buy some Zebulonian sperm and give birth to a giant stupidhead?

Who wants to know?

I do, for I am the donor. My name is Captain Hero.

Captain Hero? Oh no!

Oh no, what?

I am your...sister.

Xandir

Of course she is.

[offscreen] I feared Clara would keep me a cripple forever. If only I could tell someone what she was doing.

Hey, Clara. Hey, Wooldoor. How is your healthy patient-Nurse relationship?

Clara's been poisoning--mmf!

What's that?

Foxxy, look behind you! It's Denzel Washington!

Denzel! Oh! Where did Denzel go? I guess Denzel musta have an appointment or something, Denzel very busy.

Uh, look, Foxxy! Denzel came back!

Denzel! Oh, I missed again! He'd moved quickly. Denzel in excellent physical condition.

Hey, I think Wooldoor's trying to communicate through blinkin'.

Look, Foxxy! Denzel came back for an unbelievable third time!

Denzel!

Hello there, Foxxy. Clara's trying keep Wooldoor...

Foxxy, look out in the hall! It's another Denzel Washington, with two penises!

Double-dong Denzel!

Goodbye, asshole! [she pushes Denzel Washington out to the window breaks and he falls] It's just you and me now, Wooldoor. No one's going to save you.

Wait a minute, Clara. There ain't nobody in that hallway but triple dong Wesley Snipes. What is going on here?

Oh, Wooly Bully and I spent another fun-filled day at the Museum of Tolerance. Every time we go, it reminds us that the world's a tolerant place where nothing ever goes wrong.

OH MY GOD!

We've been robbed! [redos everything he just did backwards] Erehw ecalp tnarelot a s'dlrow eht taht su sdnimer ti og ew emit yreve. Ecnarelot fo Muesum eht ta yad dellif-nuf rehtona tneps I & Yllub Yloow, ho. We've been robbed!

It was probably the blacks or the Mexicans.

What are you so happy about? Have you seen how fat you are?

Oh, Clara. You're just jealous cause all my dreams have come true.

You're never going to be happy until you have a dream that has depth and importance. Like having beautiful hair like mine.

[screams] WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME!?

Spanky

Clara, you don't look so good. Have you put on weight?

No, Toot stole my beautiful, beautiful hair!

I didn't steal it, I just woke up with your hair attractively stapled to my scalp.

I'm gonna have those Jew producers throw you out of this house forever!

Xandir

Hero, using assault rifles and armour-piercing bullets to hunt? Don't you think that's a bit excessive?

Screw you all! It's my right to use these weapons anyway I please, and nothing is going to change my mind.

You killed my mother!

Sucks to be you!

[cries] I'm so sad and so cute! I miss mommy!

I know, broham, but I was just hunting. Ever since the prehistoric cave Jews hunted down Jesusaurses, slaughtering defenceless creatures has been our nation's pastime.

I'm not saying you need to stop hunting…

Bitchin'!

But using assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets is just not fair.

Huh?

Just give us a fighting chance, Mr. Hero. Maybe mommy would have lived! [crying]

Oh, friends?! Oh, friends?! Gather round! I have some stupendous news for all of us. I was able to convince Mr. Hero to rid the world of all assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets.

That's right, loyal servants, our plan is working. And now, the war begins!

Ever wonder why African-American black men are so attracted to large posteriors? Good day, I am Professor Wooldoor Sockbat, here to explain this completely racist phenomenon. [black-and-white footage is shown of an African tribesman being chased by a lion] For centuries, natives found large, roaming badonkadonks to be safe havens from the dangers of the wild. [The tribesman jumps into a large butt, stopping the lion in its tracks.] Their love of huge asses has been written into their genetic code. Even they don't know why... they just know. See you next time, when we explore why Jews have big noses! Is it because air is free?

Guess again! It's me, Bambi!

Just because I'm dating your mother it doesn't mean we have to hang out all the time.

You humans have hunted us since the dawn of time. And now, it is our turn to hunt you! Attack!