Drawn Together Season 1 quotes

This is Princess Clara calling for the King of Insurance. Yes, I'd like to report a fake gay marriage.

And I'd like to report a great set of tits.

[In confessional] The producers told us that we must start a business of our choosing. I wanted to have a bake sale, but the stereotypes had other ideas.

Xandir

Let's open a hair salon!

Ooh, we could shine shoes!

Ling Ling

I say full-release massage parlor that serves wok-fried puppies!

LET'S EAT POTATO SALAD!!!

[In confessional] Finally we all agreed...

A suicide hotline!

Suicide hotline? Who the hell came up with that?

(in confessional) Goddamned white producers with their goddamned white flashes. They can edit us to make us say whatever they want. My taint is made out of bacon. STOP IT! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, my taint. 100% pure bacon.

Captain Leslie Hero! You thought this would prove you're not a lame superhero?!

Mom, don't call me Leslie in front of Two-Hands!

The doctor was right! You are SO lame!

I'm not lame!

Yes! Yes you are! [rips his posters off the wall]

Please, Mom! Please don't do that! Don't be mean to me!

I'm not being mean to you. You're just too lame to say it!

You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do and you don't know! You don't know who I'm gonna be! You don't know how good I am! I have good things and you don't know it! Like I'm gonna be somebody, and don't tell me I'm not! [runs off crying]

Xandir

Oh, come on, Captain Hero. You're not the lamest superhero ever. Come out of the dumpster.

No. This is where my mommy wanted me to be anyways.

Those goddamned cunt shit dumbass piss fuck meatball dick cock motherfuckers!

I'm cured! Oh, I'm cured! My therapist made me realize that it's not my fault my parents are dead. I couldn't have stopped Zebulon from crashing into the sun.

You mean the planet Zebulon? Zebulon didn't crash into no sun, Captain Tardo.

What'choo talkin' 'bout, Foxxy?

Zebulon is a triving planet with a booming economy.

Huh, yeah right. [snort] As if.

We order Zebulonese takeout food all the time. You love the deep fried Zebulonads.

I never put the two together.

Spanky

Don't you remember? We went to Zebulon for spring break.

Dude, I was so wasted the whole time!

Xandir

Plus, we're stealing out cable from Zebulon.

Okay, okay! I get it!

Spanky

How else could we watch Everybody Loves Zorgleblat? Man, I hate that Patricia Hetenglab, what a clexblunt.

Well then, if Zebulon didn't blow up, that would mean...my parents are still alive...oh my God. Oh my God! OH MY GOD!

And I don't want to be responsible for no stupid-ass suicide hotline.

Oh, come on, Foxxy, this time it'll be different. We'll stick with it!

: I lit a homeless girl on fire!

What the? That's horrible! Who said that?

Fire's happy now.

Freeze, douchebags!

Jeff! What you doing?

My name isn't Jeff. My real name is Jeffery and I'm part of an undercover sting unit called the Special Tactical Operations Unit to Catch People Who Set Up Suicide Hotlines Because of a Reality Show Challenge and Then Didn't Follow Through on Them So They Caused the People Who Needed Them to Take Their Own Lives and Then They Changed their Minds When They Realized Not All People Should Be Forced to Live So They Try to Assist Someone in Euthanasia, or as we call it for short, the STOUTCPWSUSHBOARSCATDFTOTSTCTPWNTTTTMWTRNAPSBFTLSTTTASIE Team.

Goddamn hotline!

I can't go back to jail! I won't go back! [She jumps and through the window, screaming as she falling to her death]

Spanky

This so stupid, it's like a retarded third grader wrote this.

He ain't lookin' at you, Love.

He wasn't lookin' at yo fat ass.

What did you call me?

Step off!

Bring it!

Girrrrrl!

Drop it like it's hot!

Can I get a witness?!

Holla!

Hey hey hey!

Why!? Why doesn't Captain Hero want to marry me!? [cries] Why doesn't anyone love me? I'M SO ALONE!!

You're not alone. You've got me.

I don't want to end up like Nana. She spent her final years alone in a dank, smelly nursing home with nobody around to say "I love you"! [cries] By the time I got back from Spring Break 2003 Daytona Beach MTV Monster Party Jam Week...SHE WAS DEAD!!! [crying]

That's horrible!

I don't want to die alone!

I don't want to die alone either!

We have no choice!

We have to do something!

Like what?

Like get married!

[hugged Wooldoor] I do! You hear that, everyone? I'm marrying...what was your name again?

I'm marrying Wooldoor!

Foxxy...

Why you do this to us, Foxxy?

Why yo run us over?

Hey hey hey.

[picking up the phone] I need to call an ambulance! Oh girls, I am so sorry. I never should have been drinking and driving. That is the last time I mix liquor and beer and cough syrup and Kool-Aid and Grape Kool-Aid and Lemon Pledge! [In confessional] And this time I mean it!

Splattered 'cross the hood, bloody guts and pain! (Crashy Smashy my oh my.) Compound fracture, puncture lung, bashed in brains! (Crashy Smashy Die Die Die!) Crunchy, cracky, smacky, wacky! All that's left...Is best friend puddin' topped with asphault death! Hey crashy smashy! (Another statistic!) Crash and Die! (Crashy smashy my oh my) Crash and Die! (Crashy smashy die die die) Crash and Die! (Crashy smashy my oh my) Crash and Diiiiiiiie! (Crashy smashy die die die)

[In confessional] The club was jumpin', and Ling-Ling was surrounded by babes. But somehow we got stuck hanging out with Ling-Ling's lame friend, Steve from Long Island.

God is watching everything you do.

When you get undressed or take a shower.

Larry the Tomato

When you touch yourself for hour after hour.

God is watching everything you do. And he thinks you're a nasty naughty nympho slut. You sinful filthy whore, you're going to hell. Your flesh will burn. Your bones will churn. Your soul will be torn asunder.

You wretched heathen heretic. Burn in Hell!

Larry the Tomato

For eternity!

So you'd better remember.

God is watching everything you do.