Drake & Josh · Season 1
So why do they call it New Jersey, if they've never even had a plain Old Jersey?
I don't know. I wasn't at the meeting. Hey, turn it to channel 5. I'm going to go grab a drink. [he goes in the kitchen to grab a drink]
[while a terrified Walter still gets chased by Tiberius, Josh grabs a drink from the kitchen]
So is there an Old Hampshire?
[during the end credits, Josh spills popcorn on Drake after he ignored his question]
Right.
[Josh eats popcorn off of Drake's body, while Drake grabs popcorn off himself, as he and Josh continue watching TV]
[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]
So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
She's almost 90 years old.
She's like 90,000 years old.
She's not nice!
She is mean. [moves closer to the screen] Mean to the bone!
Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
Oh, and get this.
Aunt Catherine's getting married!
I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. [turns to Drake] Do ya?
Totally.
Who's getting married?
[disgruntled] Our Great Aunt Catherine.
Isn't she like 87?
89. But she's got this insane beach house in Laguna Niguel, so it's majorly important that she loves us.
Can we just go?
Why are you in such a hurry?
'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
Yeah, so do I.
Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... [notices his laptop case gone] Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
You-you what?!
They told me you said it was cool.
Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my computer, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
Why?
'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
Right, okay, um... Trevor!
What about Trevor?
We'll borrow his car.
His girlfriend sleeps in it.
No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
So is Aunt Catherine.
Drake, if we--
Dude, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. [starts calling Trevor on the phone]
[Trevor's old car breaks down]
It won't start.
Oh, really?
Look, maybe I can fix the motor.
You can't fix a sandwich!
If you make fun of me one more time, I'm gonna tell everyone we know that you named your favorite pillow Mr. Puff Puff.
Sorry if I offended you.
[a cop car drives up behind Trevor's car and two cops get out of their car]
Looks like somebody parked here illegally.
I'll write 'em a ticket.
How come I've never met your wife?
Huh?
You know, we've been working together for like three years now, and I just think it's weird that you never let me meet your wife.
Oh, well, um... she's just uh, she's just shy.
You're not really married, are ya?
What?
[Officer Brenner shrugs questioningly]
Of course I am! You can't just pretend to be married and not have a wife. I mean, come on. What're you talking about?
Let me meet her.
Alright, alright. I'm not married. There's no Marissa.
You made up Marissa?
Well, no. There was a Marissa in the 9th grade. I asked her to the school dance, and she just... she just laughed at me.
It's okay, buddy. I understand.
I feel so dumb.
[a Hummer parks in front of Drake and Josh and two male strangers get out of it]
Hey.
Thank you so much for stopping.
No problem.
Where are you guys headed?
To our Aunt Catherine's wedding.
But we gotta be there in less than half an hour.
Yeah, with that cake.
We're in big trouble.
Well, did you call for help?
No, we don't have cell phones.
But if you drive us to the nearest payphone, we'll give you 75 bucks.
Oh, hold on. [checks his wallet] I've got... [takes out a dollar bill] an extra 40!
Alright, that's almost 100 bucks!
[silence]
Will you please drive us?
Wait a minute, so... you guys are stranded out here.
Flagging down strangers.
And you got no cell phones.
And it's just the two of you.
Alone.
Right.
[Ryan and Spencer push Drake and Josh to the ground and take their wallets away from them as they drive off right away leaving Drake and Josh stranded in the middle of the road]
[Drake notices the name tag on Leslie's uniform]
Leslie's Towing Company, huh?
Yeah. Been in the towing business for 23 years.
So, who's Leslie, your wife?
No. Leslie's my name. [Drake bursts into laughter] Something funny about that?
Well, yeah, I mean, Leslie's a girl's name.
Oh, is that what you think?
Uh, what my brother meant to say was, we don't think Leslie's a girl's name. We think it's a guy's name, dude. A man's name, [mimicking Leslie] a very man's name. Grr.
No, it's not. Leslie's totally--
Silence!
[to Drake] Listen, boy. I was named after my father, he was named after his father, and they both fought in wars.
Okay, all I'm saying is I've dated like five Leslies. All girls.
Okay, uh, you know, I'll tell you what. You can rot in a sack for all I care. Goodbye.
No. No, no, no, please, wait, don't leave!
[without turning around] ROT IN A SACK!
[drives away as Josh turns to Drake]
[angrily] You had to make fun of the man's name?!
What do you want?
There's a couple of guys outside stealing your bike.
Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! [runs outside] Hey!
Maybe, I should call the police.
Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
Yeah.
What are you eating?
Big cookie.
That was my big cookie!
Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… [Drake runs in, panicked by his green hands after Megan sprayed them]
JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!!
What's wrong, what happened? [Drake shows him his green hands] WHOA!!!!! W-Why are your hands green!?
I-I dunno! I woke up, went to the bathroom, and my hands were green!
Well, did ya try washin' 'em!?
Yeah, for 10 minutes, man! I even used soap.
[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]
Oh, it's you. Close the door!
[closes the door and walks up to Drake] What's going on?
Swear not to tell mom and dad?
Swear.
Well, I have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
[gasps] Oh my god! Are you okay?
I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
Or you know there is another cure.
What?
Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
What are you saying?
I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
Megan!
You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]
Wait!
What?
Is it gone?
[Megan leaves the room]
[walks up to Drake] Help you find something?
Oh no, I got- [turns to see her] No, I got it.
Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at "The Phyton".
No way, I was there.
Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
Yeah, that was me!
I was kidding.
Me, too.
Come on, I'll ring you up.
Okay.
[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Drake & Josh pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
