You have bad taste in music! And you, your head's shaped like a lemon! And you, you smell weird.
MMan
The city shut off my water.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Ok, that was pathetic.
[walks up to Drake] Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
What? [turns around to Josh]
Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! [laughs] JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! [flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment] See you guys at home. [walks away]
Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinkel cut fries and you keep him company. [runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]
Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
Hmmm. [pretends to think] Why don't you, reach into, [points to trash can and Megan looks at it] that decorative trash can and tell me.
[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps] A bunny!
Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs] Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
I insist!
Thanks! You’re so cute. [goes to her room, admiring Cookie]
[To Drake] Pick a card!
Fine. [picks a card] Now what?
Now, put it back. [Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket] Very good.
[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze] So what's my card?
Cough. [Drake coughs out a card] Now, open it. [Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking] Is that your card?
Yeah. But could you do me a favor and not make things come outta my body?
[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald] Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. [leaving the room] Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!
Henry Dohney is back from the dead!
[during the end credits, Walter asks Henry to give him his hair back]
Of course, Walter. Eyes closed.
[as Walter gets ready to have his hair back, Henry leaves right away leaving Walter bald]
Where'd he go?
Vegas.
Mr. Doheny, what about my hair?!
[offscreen] Buy a wig! [he laughs mockingly as he leaves to Las Vegas]
[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video] Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
A room, in which we live.
Um, we really hope we win this makeover.
But not for us.
For our parents.
We call them, "Mom and Dad".
You see, my dad married his mom almost 5 years ago.
I am still in shock.
And soon, it'll be their 5th anniversary.
[sheepishly] Still in shock.
Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
Eh, our parents.
For the special gift, of a room makeover. [desperately] Please.
[desperately] Please. [Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]
[Drake and Josh answer the door and discover that Tyler bought nachos for them]
TTyler
Hot nachos for Drake and Josh.
But we didn't order.
Yeah. It's about time our nachos got here.
But we didn't order.
[tells Josh to hush] Free nachos. I'll take those. Josh, take the nacho boy.
Do you have change for 5?
TTyler
No, sir. [he leaves]
[while Drake is eating nachos] We didn't order those.
Dude, when life hands you free nachos, you don't question it!
I'm just worried about- [starts eating nachos with Drake] Oh, my god. These are good nachos.
I know. Seriously.
These are the best nachos in the world.
They're made with, like 5 different kinds of cheeses.
What you say? As long as nobody sees us?
[muffled] It's getting hard for me to swallow.
[muffled] Something's wrong with these nachos!
[when Megan gets too busy to prank Drake and Josh, she hires a young boy named Tyler to help her when the two come out of the kitchen]
Awesome. Great, great work.
TTyler
You really think so?
[muffled] Megan, who is this? Go get over there.
Drake, Josh, I'd like you to meet My new assistant, Tyler. Tyler, you know the boobs.
TTyler
Boobs.
[Drake and Josh muffles]
I'll explain. See, like I told you, I've been really busy lately, so I don't have time to harass you guys as much as I'd like to, which is why I hired Tyler as my assistant. To help make your lives as miserable as possible. He made the nachos.
TTyler
[satisfied] I used a special sticky cheese!
[muffled] Sticky cheese?
Yeah. Tyler, come upstairs with me. We'll make a schedule for the rest of the week.
TTyler
Yes, ma'am.
[as Tyler goes upstairs with Megan, Drake and Josh stay behind leaving their mouths muffled]
[as he answers the phone; muffled] Hello? No, no don't, hello. No, I know. I have my mouth. You talk to him. [gives the phone to Josh]
[muffled] Hello? Who is it?
[muffled] Who is it? Hello?
[after the phone was hung up, Drake and Josh get angry as the two head upstairs]
Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
Who's ready to go inside?
What is up with you guys?
Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
Get ready. [he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]
DJDrake and Josh
HAPPY ANNIVERS- [they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen] -[lamely] sery.
Drake?
Josh!
Where's our stuff?
We've been robbed!
[curious] Surprise!
[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]
[Tyler pops his head from the kitchen and throws an egg at Sergeant Doty's back thinking that Drake and Josh did it]
SDSergeant Doty
[angrily] HEY! [walks up to Drake and Josh] DO YOU THINK EGGS ARE FUNNY? Do you know I can arrest you two for assaulting a police officer?
We didn't throw an egg at you.
We don't have any eggs on us.
SDSergeant Doty
[picks up the egg tray that Tyler left from the counter] Then whose are these? The egg fairies?
We don't even know where those came from.
SDSergeant Doty
[satisfied] 50 pushups.
But you can't make us do-
SDSergeant Doty
[angrily] PUSHUPS!
[Drake and Josh are forced to 50 pushups by Sergeant Doty while the police officer, Sergeant Doty, Megan and Tyler are satisfied much to their satisfaction]
DJDrake and Josh
Oh!
1.
Ow.
2.
Ow.
3.
Ow.
4.
Ow.
5.
Ow.
6.
Ow.
7.
Ow.
8. 9.
[Drake and Josh both have an interview]
NMr. Nadel
Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. [Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office] What do you want?
We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
NMr. Nadel
So?
And we'd like one.
NMr. Nadel
And I'd like to meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
[Sarcastically] Yeah, well good luck with that.
NMr. Nadel
Ok, what are your skills?
I play guitar and date girls.
Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was voted most polite child-
NMr. Nadel
[yells] NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! [in a normal voice] Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
[Sarcastically] Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
NMr. Nadel
Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
You already said that.
NMr. Nadel
[yelling] WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
We just want jobs.
NMr. Nadel
Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. That glamorous enough for you?
Well, what would we have to do?
NMr. Nadel
You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
Yeah, we'll take it.
NMr. Nadel
Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
8:00?
We'll be there.
NMr. Nadel
Yeah, yeah.
[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]
PPhone
The number you have reached has been disconnected
NMr. Nadel
[bangs on desk] EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! [knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]
Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]
The Furniture's back!
We did it!
We didn't do anything!
Howdy, boys.
Surprised?
Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
The police found the robbers moving van.
It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
And they found everything?
Yep.
It's all here. [smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh] Do I smell rotting sushi?
Yeah, it's a long story.
Uh see we...
[cuts Josh off at mid sentence] We don't want to know.
[at the end, Drake and Josh are stuck hanging on a net by Megan and revealed that she fired Tyler]
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hey.
We're in the net. Hey, what's going on?
Well, I'll tell you what's going on? It's that Tyler kid, Megan's assistant.
[after she went out of the kitchen] Hey, boobs. How's it hanging?
Hey, tell your friend Tyler to cut us down!
Tyler didn't do this. I did. I fired Tyler.
Why? I thought you were too busy to prank us.
Yeah, but letting somebody else make your lives miserable, doesn't give me that same warm feeling I get from doing it myself, so I'll make time. Later. [leaves]
Hey. Megan, wait.
Hey, can you at least get us down from here?
Sure. [presses the button to let Drake and Josh down]
[laying on the floor] Thank you.
[laying on the floor] Good night.
[after Drake and his band rehearse for their concert]
JJulio
Pretty tight.
GGary
Yep.
Uh, no. We were not tight, alright? That was loose. We were weak.
GGary
Oh, come on, man.
JJulio
What's the problem?
The problem? Man, you were two beats behind the whole song. [to the other guitarist] You were playing an A minor, not an A7. [to Gary] And you? Dude, you're wearing a woman's shirt.
GGary
It's called a blouse. [Drake looks at him with a questioning look] It's my sister's, okay? All my clothes were dirty.
Well, why would you wear your sister's clothes?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Drake & Josh pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.