1, 2, hit it!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
And the battle begins! [rings bell] Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
Wahahaha. I am prepared, Young Szechwan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
Ahh, do your worst! [he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh's horror] You have smashed the window of transparency!
[runs to the broken window] Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
I don't have a paddle!
Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
We can't be late for this-
I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. [gives Josh the book and leaves the room]
I don't think it leaves us enough- [opens the book and reads a page] What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. [yells]
[Mr. Roland starts his class]
Alright, class, close your books, put all materials underneath your desk. Drake, stop kissing Kat. Your exam is about to begin. You will have exactly 55 minutes to complete your-
[all sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door] PLEASE! PLEASE, LET ME IN!! I'M SORRY I'M LATE! [Drake looks at him from his desk]
[Opens the door] Mr. Nichols, you know the rule.
B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to-
I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcome in my class.
Uh, b-but w-what about the exam?
You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade!
[very upset and despairing] Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! [Points at Drake angrily] YOU!
[defensively] What?
[yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares] COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!!
[enraged] Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW!
But I-
NOW!
I just-
NOW!
[defeated] Now...? [leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case] Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! [Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]
As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. [Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.] You will use a #2 pencil.
[sobbing] I work so hard!
[closes first blind] Not #1, not #3.
[sobbing] So unbelievably hard!
[closes second blind] If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
[sobbing] I really do, I give everything a hundred…
[closes last blind] I want silence in this classroom! Silence is golden.
[freaks out] Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!
[Drake gets home after the exam, (which he failed most likely), and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together. Josh is instead smiling]
Hey, Josh. What goes on?
[strangely happy] Just readin' my book.
[signs] Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat.
[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake] Yes, yes. She's very pretty.
Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! [Josh says nothing] Sit-n-bounce!
No, thanks.
Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that?
[sarcastically] No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. [plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]
Can you please move?
[stop bouncing] Come On, dude, I said I was sorry.
Yeah, I heard you.
Well, stop being mad at me.
I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
What's that supposed to mean?
I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
So what, are you gonna move out?
No, this is the house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. [walks away, leaving Drake concerned]
Whoa!
What?
You really did it this time.
Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been furious with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it.
I dunno, he sounded pretty serious.
Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up-
RRobbie
[walks in] I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! [kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]
[A few days later at the Premiere, Josh, Craig, Eric, and Leah are hanging out laughing listening to a funny story from Eric and Craig]
And so me and Craig are in the swimming pool, we're halfway through a game of Marco Polo.
I look down and realize he still has his socks on!
[Everyone laughs]
[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]
[arrives at the Premiere] Hello, Josh.
Hi, Drake.
Why are you all sweaty?
I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
You always fill up the car!
Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
LLeah
Movie tickets here are $11.
What?
And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! [yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]
[clears throat, grabs the communicator] Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. [beeps] So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich?
I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold.
No, I think it's the other way around.
Okay, but what's a grinder?
LLeah
Same thing as a hoagie.
[getting dragged by the security guards] Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him.
SGSecurity Guard
Is this guy a friend of yours?
[pause]
[satisfied] No, he's not.
[frustrated] Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!!
So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh?
LSLeah, Steve, Eric, & Craig
[All talking at once in agreement] Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah.
All in the sandwich family.
[after being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand] Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling!
Chemical emergency! [turns on the alarm]
Let's get him in the power-shower! [grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]
Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? [Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water] What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! [Starts yelling as the hot water stingingly washes off the chemicals]
Drake, are you alright?
Hey! What is this water!? Ow! [continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]
[turns off the water] Drake, you may come out now. [Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning] Sit down, Drake. [Drake ignores him, walks towards the door] Drake, sit down!
No!
Drake!
Josh!
What?
Look, I'm sorry.
Well--
Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
What do you mean?
I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you way more than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. [tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]
Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way; and yet…] No. No, sir.
Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments.
[as Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]
Hoaw! We have unfinished business, Young Szechuan.
Josh….
Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Monguku. [Drake cheers up as Josh, smiling back, picks up his paddle]
Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
Your foolishness, Young Szechuan, has sealed your fate!
Aw, destiny is mine! [They both play ping-pong ball together with kung-fu yells at every swing and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]
Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry textbooks just arrived. They're in my classroom.
No way!
Oh, come on!
Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
Remember? One does not forget the woo-choo fist of silence. [Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process] Oh, my God!
Drake, are you alright!?
Hey, Craig.
Evenin'.
Where's Eric?
Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye.
He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you?
Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me.
I'M Craig.
[scoffs] It matters.
[door bell rings]
Yo, Drake, get that!
Got it. [opens the door and finds Mindy there] Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch?
Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
You shebeast.
Microbrain.
Weirdface.
Ignoramus.
[beat] What?
Exactly.
CChad
Hey.
Oh, hey.
CChad
Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill.
Oh, no problem. Step aside. [both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]
JOSH!
[jumps, accidentally flips the projector] Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance.
No, I need to talk to you! [to Craig] Get out. [Craig walks out]
What?
Mindy's here.
I know, I invited her.
Did you invite him? [turns Josh's head around towards Chad]
Who's him?
Her date.
[shudders] I don't care.
Yes, you do.
Hey, Clayton.
CClayton
[mumbling] Hi.
[Drake sips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]
Hello?
BBoy
[sees Drake's black eye] It's true.
Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident.
BBoy
That's not what we heard.
And what did you hear?
BBoy
That you were making fun of Eric's sister.
GGirl
Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! [walks up to Eric] Eric?!
Excuse me, Josh.
What?
I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way.
I AM angry. Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face.
[pops up from the dumpster] Hello.
[screams] Craig?
Are you alone?
Yeah, I'm alone.
Good. [holds out a bag of pork rinds] Pork rind?
Sure. [takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it] So you're the one that sent the blimp?
That's right.
[concerned] Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me.
Rat's hat?
[furious] He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old. That I'm the one who dried his tears when his iguana got diabetes. That I--
[He interrupts Craig] Okay, Okay, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
What?
I love to sing.
[confused, steps aside] And?
And you're like a professional singer.
[still confused] You wanna sing a song with me?
I've wanted this for a long time.
Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
I thought he was Jewish.
A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
Okay...
So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you.
Uh-huh.
And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me. And don't forget our song.
I won't forget the song.
Good, I'll start practicing.
[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]
[he stops the argument about stacks of cards] Okay, you know what? You know what? Enough with the cards, alright? I got big problems.
What, that Eric thing?
Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what?
What?
I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
You don't want to do that. [grabs him]
Then give me a one good reason.
'Cause it's not gonna help you, alright? It's just gonna make you look worse. You're gonna have handle these things maturely.
Kinda like you do with Mindy?
DIFFERENT! [crosses his arms]
It's not different?
Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage. OUTRAGE!
And Eric wrecking my life isn't?
I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- [the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]
CClayton
[worried, mumbling] Why?
[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Drake & Josh pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.