Dr. Martin Ellingham quotes from Doc Martin

Joan Norton

If he asks about me, tell him I'm not here. I've gone up to London.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

But he's already asked about you, and he's standing right behind you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

All those times you brought me up here. Was it always to watch him sail?

Joan Norton

I'm sorry. Affairs taint everything, don't they?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

What do you want Adrian?

I want you to put in a word for me with Chris Parsons. You see, Faulkner is about to move on.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

And you think you're ready to step up?

Yes, but I'm getting some resistance from Chris Parsons. Since you two are mates I wondered if you might give him a call.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

I've spoken to Chris. He rang me. He thinks you're an arse. I think you're an arse too. Enjoy your weekend.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Arse.

So I don't need a blood test?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

You have an ear infection, Neville.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Ah, Elaine. Any chance of making me a cup of tea?

Elaine Denham

Make it yourself. I'm not the tea girl.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

As you can see, I have patients waiting.

Elaine Denham

Well, best go faster then.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

White, no sugar.

Bert Large

(Listening to programme in the pub) Doc Martin'll see the funny side, he'll just go with the flow, you'll see.

Next caller. You are live...

Martin

(Phoning in to Caroline's radio programme) This is Doctor Martin Ellingham. I'd like to get a few things crystal clear for you and your puerile listeners. I admit to having certain difficulties but they have not and they never will impair my functions as a doctor. And for the record, the incident with a certain village plumber was in fact a prank with some ketchup which, by the way, kept me from attending to patients in my surgery.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

And as to so-called homeopathic remedies, if there's one for chronic infantilism then I suggest that your caller and indeed the entire village should embark on a course immediately. Thank you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Where does it hurt?

I'm all right.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

When you're the doctor you can make that judgement. Where does it hurt?

It doesn't.

I have done some reading.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Have you done a medical degree?

No.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Well, shut up then.

Louisa Glasson

What are you doing? He's nine years old.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

All right. Take him to the hospital.

Louisa Glasson

What?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Obviously nine year olds and nursery teachers know better than I do. Take him to the hospital, get him checked over there.

I was wrong. Intercostal sprain.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Well, we'll see. Let's get you to the hospital, you might be right.

No. You tell the truth. Most adults... you tell the truth.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

OK Peter, I think when you fell in the gym you may have hurt one of your important organs. You have some shoulder-tip pain on your left side so I suspect that it's the spleen.

You can live without your spleen, can't you?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Yes you can. but you may be bleeding inside so that's why we're getting you to the hospital.

Am I going to be ok?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

If I have anything to do with it, yes.

Louisa Glasson

So how come you got a thing about blood?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

It's just a minor anxiety disorder resulting from overexposure to a high-pressure environment.

Louisa Glasson

Surgery.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

(Nods) I was operating on a woman one day. Simple procedure. I went to see her in the ward beforehand. Her family were there; her husband, her sister and her son; and they were clinging to her. Wouldn't let go. Next time I saw her she was prepped and laid out before me on the operating table and I couldn't do it, I couldn't go on, it was like I was on tight rope and made the mistake of looking down. I haven't been able to operate since actually, which is a shame because it's the only thing I was ever any good at.

I heard the big chief was here.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

How's the boy? No actually, tell his mother first - her name's...

(Together) Joy.

Yes, we do know the drill.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Any complications?

A tiny bit of pancreatic leak but nothing more.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Secondary spleen?

There was, actually; and, yes sir, I was careful to leave it.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

I'm assuming you have a regular dental hygiene routine.

Louisa Glasson

Well obviously not in the last few hours, but thank you very much - yes I have.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Well that would suggest rhinositis or gastro-oesophagal reflux.

Louisa Glasson

Are you saying I've got bad breath?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

I just think it would be wise to rule out any infections of the aero-digestive tract. Obviously a dietary explanation would be the happiest outcome.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

This is completely illogical.

It's not actually.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Would you explain it to me? Apart from anything else what criminal with half a brain would try to use that credit card anywhere in Portwenn?

I don't know. But I warranty you that will never have joy in my shop.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

I can't imagine anyone finding joy in your shop.

Not if they want to use a card, Doc. Because our card machine is broken.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Right. So I'll pay you tomorrow.

Mr. and Mrs. Credit passed away. Please, don't mention their names. They really hurt.