Elaine Denham quotes from Doc Martin

Elaine Denham

I don't mind him having a woman, just not one with a bloody dog in her handbag.

Elaine Denham

Are you Doc Martin?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

No, no. I'm Doctor Ellingham.

Elaine Denham

I'm Elaine.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

That must be nice for you.

Elaine Denham

Practice receptionist?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Oh. I'm not hiring yet.

Elaine Denham

I've come from Delabole!

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Is that far?

Elaine Denham

I've come from Delabole? There's no point going and then coming back later. I may as well start now, innit.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

How are you feeling today? Any ringing in the ears?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

(Answering phone) Ellingham?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

It's for you.

Elaine Denham

I'm not here.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Elaine's not here.

Elaine Denham

Hang on. Is that Greg?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Are you Greg? Elaine for you.

Elaine Denham

(Whispers) I'm not talking to Greg.

Elaine Denham

Yeah... Yeah... No! Look! You're needy and I'm 26, innit.

Elaine Denham

Any milk?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

One spore or two?

Elaine Denham

What?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

It had turned to penicillin. It's in the bin.

Elaine Denham

Hello? I need coffee!

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Elaine, while you're here there are a few things to organise.

Elaine Denham

Like what?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

A new exam couch for starters.

Elaine Denham

Wait!

Dr. Martin Ellingham

A new exam couch. An examination light. A functioning sphygmomanometer.

Elaine Denham

What's that?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

(Testily) It measures blood pressure. That should be it for the moment.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

"Milk, biscuits"?

Elaine Denham

While you're getting that other stuff. Oh, and Hello! magazine. Write it down.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

I'm not your personal shopper, I want you to find me a medical equipment supplier.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Elaine, are you going to lend a hand here?

Elaine Denham

I can't work like this.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Well why don't you go home then?

Elaine Denham

Did you hurt that dog? I love dogs.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Yeah, I love them too. I love the way they smell. I love the way they bite you. Dogs are the best.

Elaine Denham

There's a patient waiting.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

No, there isn't because as you know, I'm not open for business yet.

Elaine Denham

There's still a patient waiting.

Elaine Denham

Are you gonna pay me for this week or what?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

What.

Elaine Denham

I'm sorry. But I cannot tolerate imbeciles.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Elaine, when we agreed you'd start at 8.30 you did understand I meant a.m.?

Elaine Denham

Buying biscuits at the supermarket, right, and this bimbo won't let me through on six items or less. All baps up to here and stick-on nails she was. Get this - (Imitates the check-out girl) "Sorry. Six items or less".

Dr. Martin Ellingham

And you had?

Elaine Denham

20, but all the same, do you see.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Elaine, you do check prescriptions before printing them, don't you?

Elaine Denham

Yeah.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Right, well, we seem to have a woman with erectile dysfunction here.

Elaine Denham

I can't be expected to work your system.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

That would be the system whereby we don't kill the patients by prescribing the wrong medication, would it? It's your job.

Elaine Denham

No. It is your job to check before you sign.

Elaine Denham

Message.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

(Reads the message) "Roy or Steven?"

Elaine Denham

Boy of seven. Dr Sim could read my writing.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

So there's a sick child *somewhere*, but you didn't get the telephone number, let alone the boy's name? oh well I suppose we could always get his name from the obituary couldn't we.

Elaine Denham

Right... well... look...

Dr. Martin Ellingham

No. You look, Elaine. For a new job.

Elaine Denham

What? Just because...

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Because you are the most incompetent person I have ever had the misfortune to encounter and that incompetence may very well end up costing someone their life. You're fired.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Elaine, what's happened to you?

Elaine Denham

It's tan.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

It's orange.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Elaine. It is *not* your job to give medical advice over the telephone.

Elaine Denham

It was bellyache. That's not medical advice, it's common sense.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Can *I* please decide who comes to my surgery?

Elaine Denham

No.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

No?

Elaine Denham

If they have bellyache or diarrhoea, I have them wait. If they've got something serious I get them in straight away.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Thank you, I'm familiar with triage.

Elaine Denham

Right, so I want an apology. If is wasn't for me you'd have had a dozen diarrhoeas since yesterday.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

How many?

Elaine Denham

Your stuff's arrived at the pharmacy, you'd better go and get it.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Er, no Elaine...

Elaine Denham

Just don't speak to me now, innit!