Bert Large quotes from Doc Martin

Bert Large

The word you're searching for is stopcock.

Bert Large

Way I see it, you need patients and we need a doc. we don't one have to love to another. Do we?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Elaine, does Susan Brading know Gilbert Spencer?

Bert Large

Know him? Only in the Biblical sense.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

What do you mean, she gave birth to him in a stable?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

You know, when I told my father that I wasn't going to follow him into the navy, we didn't speak for three months.

Bert Large

Yeah, but now you're older, you can understand his point, can't you? I mean, that's what I was trying to say to Al.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

No, we still don't speak actually.

Bert Large

So I've given everyone the runs?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Quick as a flash.

Bert Large

Son, I know it's your phone bill and you've got your own money coming in, but you do know that these mobile phones can damage your head membranes if used to excess.

Al Large

Dad, I've got Bluetooth.

Bert Large

There you go, that's exactly my point.

Bert Large

(Listening to programme in the pub) Doc Martin'll see the funny side, he'll just go with the flow, you'll see.

Next caller. You are live...

Martin

(Phoning in to Caroline's radio programme) This is Doctor Martin Ellingham. I'd like to get a few things crystal clear for you and your puerile listeners. I admit to having certain difficulties but they have not and they never will impair my functions as a doctor. And for the record, the incident with a certain village plumber was in fact a prank with some ketchup which, by the way, kept me from attending to patients in my surgery.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

And as to so-called homeopathic remedies, if there's one for chronic infantilism then I suggest that your caller and indeed the entire village should embark on a course immediately. Thank you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

(Standing in the kitchen of Bert's new restaurant) This kitchen is disgusting!

Bert Large

I've been feeding myself for years. I haven't killed myself once.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

I want you to close this restaurant.

Bert Large

(Wanting to get out of earshot of his customers) Come into the kitchen. I put everything I've got into this place.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Well, you're certainly putting something into it that's making people very ill, indeed.

Bert Large

I've eaten here, and I'm perfectly fine!

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Bert, you've spent your entire working life with your arm down a lavatory. You're bound to have built up a resistance to certain bacteria. The point I'm trying to make is that you are by profession and design a plumber, not a restaurateur.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Is there anything that could you be stressing about?

Bert Large

(Ironically) Well. Let me see. My life's savings have been invested to buy an empty restaurant that has been shot down by the local quack. Apart from that, no one. My life is fine.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Right. I will prescribe you some medication in case of it happens again.

Bert Large

How would you feel, if you lost your girl? Because, if you're not careful, she's gonna leave you, toothbrush and all.

Bert Large

First off, you follow her around like a lamb.

Al Large

No, I don't.

Bert Large

Yes, you do, and Pauline don't like it.

Al Large

How do you know?

Bert Large

Because she told me not to tell you. And you're "seamy".

Al Large

I'm what?

Bert Large

"Seamy".

Al Large

I don't even know what that means, Dad.

Bert Large

Neither do I—but it's not good.

Bert Large

Your husband - is he *really* poorly?

He's a man, so he's at death's door, isn't he?

Bert Large

Bert Large. Proprietor.

Dr. Ruth Ellingham

Ruth Ellingham. Psychiatrist.

Bert Large

Cristals and canals on my ear? The next you will tell me is that I've got a magic castle with a fairy princess on my nose.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Why that?

Al Large

You went to a loan shark?

Bert Large

That's not what it's called them so!

Al Large

But you know that what it is!