Dr. Martin Ellingham quotes from Doc Martin

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Pauline, I can't have patients' records filed under their first names.

Pauline Lamb

It was good enough in Newlyn.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Well, what kind of surgery was it? A vets?

Pauline Lamb

Still a surgery.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Did Mr. Rix bring a letter from the hospital about his ribs?

Pauline Lamb

I don't think so.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Perhaps it's filed under "L" for letter. Or "P" for piece of paper.

(About her husband) Oh, sure! If I mention impetigo he'll ditch his girlfriend straight away, drive overnight from Glasgow and give our marriage one more try.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Good.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Who's next?

Pauline Lamb

Cameron Paris. (She shouts) Cameron Paris!

Dr. Martin Ellingham

All right. He's not deaf.

He is actually.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Well, as I have just explained to Peter, you are a, er, er, woman.

Louisa Glasson

Oh. Glad you noticed.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Yeah, years of medical training.

Louisa Glasson

What are you watching? Turn it off!

Oh, but they were just about to eat the virgin's eyeballs.

Louisa Glasson

Off! Martin?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

He told me it was educational.

Louisa Glasson

Yes, and he just said the words "virgin's eyeballs".

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Is that bad?

Louisa Glasson

Ten year olds don't always know what's best for them.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

I did.

Louisa Glasson

Yes, but you're a bit different from the rest of us.

Pauline Lamb

Don't forget you've got the school thing today. If Louisa Glasson gets it there's a bit of a party later at the Crab.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

What happens if she doesn't?

Pauline Lamb

No-one in Portwenn will talk to you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

I can live with that.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Pauline, get PC Mark Mylow on the phone. Tell him there's a dangerous dog on the loose. I want it caught and put to sleep.

Pauline Lamb

Put to sleep?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Destroyed, Pauline. Killed. Sent to that big doggy basket in the sky.

If you had enough time to improve equal opportunity policy, where would you start?

(Thinks, sips water, thinks some more, sips again)

Dr. Martin Ellingham

More to the point: how long would it take you?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Where do you live?

You know... The Moor.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Can you give me his phone number then, please?

Pauline Lamb

No. Don't have it.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Remind me what your job is again?

Pauline Lamb

He didn't leave a number. He left in a rush, looking like a frightened rabbit. Like all your patients, actually.

It's Ok. They're herbal. You know, natural.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

One thing is natural but doesn't mean it's safe. Poison ivy is natural. You wouldn't take it. Do you?

No. It gets "poison" on the toil.

Louisa Glasson

Martin. About this morning...

Dr. Martin Ellingham

What? About your visit to the snake charmer?

Louisa Glasson

I'm sorry you've closed your mind to alternative medicine. But you know that can be effective sometimes.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Frequently is, but unfortunately for my patients with this woman it's a lottery.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

These can contain high levels of mercury, which given to somebody already suffering from a degree of psychosis, the effects can be catastrophic.

I didn't realise she was that ill.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Hadn't it struck you when she visited your clinic?

She seemed fine.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

She didn't seem anything. You've never met her. Doreen Flint left this area eight years ago.

I saw her husband.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Right. Who for the last eight years has been under the delusion that he is both Victor and Doreen Flint in one body.

(Gobsmacked) Oh.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

There is a reason why we insist on seeing patients before prescribing a course of treatment. It's called "good practice".

People feel comfortable when they come and see me, which is more than I can say for you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

The minute I start handing out treatments left right and centre to people I've never met, please feel free to call me a stupid arrogant unqualified charlatan!