Look at my life, Susan. I've been beaten down.
Well, I thought I had you beaten today and the next thing I knew, I was eating grass.
Today doesn't count. Today I was mad.
Maybe you need to get mad more often.
S5Kids Ain't Like Everybody Else
[to Andrew] I took the car to the mechanic's who told me the radiator's shot.
Oh, that, yeah. It's been giving me trouble for years. Just use the jar.
What jar?
It's in the truck. You just keep it full of water and when the radiator reheats, you fill it up. Oh, and try not going uphills and stay in the shade as much as possible.
I can't drive around avoiding gravity and the sun!
[to Susan] You attacked my child and then me. Why should I even listen to you?
I brought booze.
Come on in.
[to Lynette] You know what a midlife crisis is?
I'm married to a 45 year old man who has a red convertible. Yeah, I think I know.
S5Back in Business
What: Mommy rides Daddy like a mechanical bull for jewelry?
CSCelia Solis
Sperm!
Juanita, stop talking to your sister!
S5Mirror, Mirror
[to Dave] Stop screwing with me!
You planned this whole thing. The party... breaking into my house... my reaction. You're trying to get rid of me.
Yes... and I'm sorry it had to be you.
'Cause I know you're up to something. Something awful.
You don't know what "awful" is. Well... you take care of yourself, Karen. I mean that.
S5There's Always a Woman
They got him for organ trafficking.
What?
I tell you if I'm not careful this guy could steal my heart.
Well if he tries you let me know.
S5Me and My Town
Did I ever tell you when I knew I was going to marry you?
First time you saw me on the runway.
Nooo. That's when I knew I was gonna sleep with you. [chuckles] Nah, I knew I was going to marry you the night we went to that restaurant on 3rd Street.
Mmm. I remember that place.
Mm-hmm. You wore a white linen sundress and you ordered this giant plate of ribs. And you ate them with such gusto - up to your elbows in barbecue sauce, meat hanging from your teeth and grease in your hair - and when it was all over, I pointed out what a mess you were. You pulled out your mirror, took a look at yourself, and just let out this huge, happy, totally unrestrained laugh. The room completely filled with it, and I thought to myself now that is a sound I'd like to hear the rest of my life. That's why I proposed to you. And it had nothing to do with your looks.
You know when I decided I wanted to be with you forever?
No. When?
About two seconds ago.
Up until then, it was pretty touch and go.
[spits out cookie] I hate macadamia nuts. You think they're white chocolate chips until it's too late. Stupid Hawaii.
S5A Vision's Just a Vision
So, Parker how's that science project you've been working on? [Cops ring the door bell and arrest Porter.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Desperate Housewives pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.