Carlene quotes from Designing Women

Carlene

That Suzanne Sommers says you can do it anywhere, right? So I did. I went to the laundramat and I was doing it, you know, and I was waiting for my clothes to dry... and they asked me to leave

Carlene

[(singing)]

Carlene

I cannot tell y'all what a shock it was when you said those words "I'm engaged." I mean, I will never get over it for as long as I live. It reminded me of one of those cartoons where somebody's hair just stands right on end. I swear . . . I wanted to grab my own hair and just go . . . boiiing!!

Carlene

Hey, Julia . . . I can see up your nose from here.

Carlene

Why'd she (Suzanne) move to Japan anyway?

Julia

Well, Suzanne was very attracted to the Japanese economy. They have a very large elderly population there, and she had dated most of the men in this country.

Carlene

Well that was something about her dating that Emperor Hirohito wouldn't it?

Charlene

Oh no, Carlene. That was the nephew of Emperor Hirohito. I mean, Emperor Hirohito is dead.

Mary Jo

... never stopped Suzanne in the past.

Allison

Just to make sure that we get off on the right foot, let's talk about how we can be more professional and well presented. On the personal side, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but someone's wearing a very offensive cologne. Incidentally, I do think it's inappropriate to bring visiting relatives to work. (To Carlene) Is there any particular reason you're lying on the sofa?

Charlene

Yes, she has premenstrual cramps.

Allison

You suffer from P.M.S.?

Carlene

Um... actually back home we call it F.T.S... Fixin' To Start. And then when it finally arrives, you say your cousin's visiting. And that's why it was so funny this morning when Anthony said Julia's cousin was visiting, I thought that Julia was... Fixin' To Start.... then you showed up

Carlene

Oh no... (chuckling)... you can't go in there.

Allison

Why not?

Carlene

My cat's using it.

Allison

Your cat is using our bathroom?

Carlene

Yeah, I bought this book that says how you can forever eliminate litter boxes with their offensive odors, and what you do is: you take the litter box and put it on a stack of magazines right by the toilet, and every day you just add more and more magazines to the pile until it's right level with that toilet. And then you take that litter box and put it right on top of the toilet, so the cat gets used to (snap) jumping up there. And finally, you just remove the litter box entirely and just leave the lid up on the toilet, and you know what happens (smiling with her brilliance) ?

Allison

Yes. The cat jumps into the toilet. I admit that it's a great gag, and I certainly enjoy playing elaborate practical jokes on household pets as much as anyone but, Carlene, why are you doing this here?

Carlene

Well, I've got to supervise her progress.

Mary Jo

Y'know, I think it's just amazing that you can get a cat to understand the concept of a commode. My dog Brownie, I mean, he just thinks of ours as just a giant punch bowl.

Carlene

(laughing hysterically) Mary Jo, I can't believe you said that!

Allison

Yes I know. Every time I come in here she's a pickin' and you're a grinnin'.

Mary Jo

Anthony, where have you been all morning?

Anthony

Mary Jo, the proper question to ask is 'where have I been all night.' And the answer is... I was locked in the basement of Suzanne's house.

Allison

Oh! Were you in the basement? I thought I heard something down there last night.

Anthony

Oh really? Did it sound something like someone screaming "let me out of here, Bitch!!"?

Carlene

Oh, Mary Jo. You are just the best girlfriend I've ever had! I mean it! If you were a man I'd marry you. I would!(pondering) But Julia, you know what . . . I would find you very attractive too. It would be a tough decision . . . Mary Jo or Julia. I can't decide! Allison, what do you think?

Allison

I think you need a date — bad!!

Carlene

You think so?

Mary Jo

Oh, don't pay any attention to her. She's just mad because none of us want to marry her.

Carlene

Hey Mary Jo, listen, I hate to make you madder, but the polls are showing that the majority of American women believe Clarence Thomas.

Mary Jo

Oh, Carlene. The polls show too that most women aren't feminists. But if you ask most women about individual feminist issues, the majority of them are for them, they just don't want to call themselves feminists because George Bush and Phyllis Shaffley want to make everyone believe that feminists are all these big mouth, bleeding heart, man-hating women who don't shave their legs.

Carlene

You know, you can lease a freezer for that. Before Dwayne, I went out with this guy named Lyle — but everybody called him Booger — and he used to keep his game in one of those rented lockers. I remember for dinner he'd take me down there and let me pick out my meat myself . . . I felt just like a princess.

Julia

Y'know Carlene. You've told two stories involving this man already this week. I kinda hope this concludes the Booger Trilogy.

Anthony

Who's she talkin' to?

Carlene

SHHHH--the queen of England!

Anthony

(snatching the receiver from Carelene) Yo MOMMA!!!

Julia

Well, hi there, Bernice. You're rather early.

Bernice

I know I wasn't supposed to come until tonight, but now I am just bored out of my skull living at Leisure Land. They're so conservative there. You can't do a thing. Just buy a pushup bra and you cause a damn scandal!

Allison

Bernice, you seem so allusive and abrasive and with it today. Are you feeling O.K.?

Bernice

Oh, I feel great! I think this new pushup bra is redirecting the artillery flow to my brain. When I woke up this morning, I could see that it was all system's go. I said: "Bernice, start your engines."

Allison

Um, Bernice, y'know we're going to be awfully busy today, and maybe you might want to go up to Julia's study and watch TV. After all, we're going to be so busy with Miss Chamberlain all afternoon, and that would be just boring for Bernice.

Bernice

Are you talking about that rich girl you sent Anthony out to date, in hope that she would hire you to redecorate her father's hotel chain?

Julia

Bernice, how did you get that idea?

Bernice

I didn't. I just guessed. Ooh, Bernice, you are hot today! It must be the bra.

Carlene

Bernice, there is no way you could've just guessed that. Now, how did you know?

Bernice

Well, actually, Anthony and Vanessa Chamberlain came by my apartment last night while they were on a date.

Julia

Bernice, Anthony is not dating Vanessa Chamberlain to procure work for us. They had a business dinner, and it was strictly business. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Bernice

Yes, I do. You're trying to convince me that you aren't a pimp.

Carlene

[Sitting by Bernice] Bernice, you see Anthony and Vanessa met after she ran into him in her Austin-Healey convertible, and then he found out her father owns this big chain of bed and breakfast inns and they need a decorator. So he's kinda courting her, but it's not really romantic or anything.

Bernice

Well it sure looked romantic when they were pressing their lips together in front of my door...

Allison

Bernice, you actually saw that?

Bernice

Oh yes, I did, before I opened the door. You should get one of those peep holes or a video camera. It's just hours of fun.

Allison

This is great, Julia! If they were really kissing, then it means we've got the job.

Julia

Allison, that's not what it means. Actually, I'm not sure what it means.

Bernice

I know what it means. It means you guys used Anthony as date bait and it worked.

Julia

Well, Anthony doesn't need to stay in her good graces on our account.

Allison

Excuse me, Julia, but there is a recession on, and we need this job. If we get it, it will be the biggest one this firm's ever gotten.

Bernice

Don't worry about Anthony. He's not suffering, believe me. They were really going to town outside my door last night.

Carlene

Bernice, you've got to be exaggerating. Anthony has not said one word about being attracted to this person.

Bernice

Well, that doesn't mean a thing, Carlene. I'm sure he hasn't said a word about being attracted to me either.

Carlene

Anthony was attracted to you?

Bernice

Not was, Carlene---is. Can't you tell the electricity when we're both in the same room at the same time?

Carlene

No.

Bernice

Oh, I feel sorry for you people with your sad, little anemic lives. Not only has passion never knocked on your doors, it doesn't even know where you live.

Anthony

(Walking in his bedroom.) "Dwayne, what are you doing in here?"

Carlene

"Oh, Anthony! this is not what it looks like."

Anthony

"Well, whatever it is, you are doing it in my room."

"Your room, I thought this was the guess room."

Anthony

"Unh, Unh, this is not the guess room. This is my room, and those are my sheets, and you are NAKED on my SHEETS!"

Carlene

I just can't believe you! I thought you were up here nursing a broken heart... but here you are hokey-pokeying with some showgirl!

Anthony

(looking over at the sleeping girl) Who the hell is that?

Mary Jo

Oh c'mon, Anthony! It's your little friend from the Follies Bergere!

Anthony

But how the hell did she get in my bed?!

B.J.

Boy... if you can pull that one off you're my first choice for this year's Academy Award.

Anthony

Look... I'm not kidding!! I don't have any idea how she got here! Oooh... my head.....

Bernice

You know, this girl is really a snoozer. I think that we should get her up and slap her around and make her tell us what happened.

Julia

Bernice. Please, You're not gonna slap anybody's face."

B.J.

In an impulsive moment of stupidity I've just made myself the victim of public humiliation and ruined my entire life.

Carlene

B.J., what did you do?!

Mary Jo

She's changed her hairdo.

B.J.

How'd you know?

Mary Jo

Because that's just the kind of thing that women do when they come up against a milestone event. They either sell their house or decide to become a therapist . . . or go completely crazy and change their hair. The scarf was a dead giveaway.

B.J.

Well, thank you, Mary Jo. I came in here feeling like I was stupid. Now I know it's worse . . . I'm a stupid cliche.