Allison quotes from Designing Women

Allison

Do you have any idea... what it's like to be let go from a position formerly held by a dog?

Allison

I cannot believe that this woman blows into town five minutes ago and already she's got a best friend and a boyfriend — not the ones I would choose, but still! I mean, I think I'm attractive, but I don't have a best friend. I don't have a boyfriend. And for some reason none of the women at work wanna marry me.

Allison

Y'know, you people are all just messing with me. And I would like to tell you something . . . I wouldn't marry any of you girls if you begged me to!

Allison

That's it? That's the Shaming Ceremony You should call that the Boring Ceremony. I've shamed him better myself. If you really want to shame somebody, you gotta go for their underwear.

Allison

Oh Julia, just so you know..... the next time you see your lawyer on company time, it's going on your record.

Julia

Just so you know... the next time you speak to me in that tone of voice, you're going to the moon.

Anthony

Just so you know, Allison. I did not appreciate waking up this morning and finding my wardrobe on the front lawn.

Allison

I did not appreciate the "Die, fascist pig" note in my pajamas pocket either.

Anthony

I didn't put any note in your pajamas.

Allison

Oh... I guess it was somebody else.

Allison

Just to make sure that we get off on the right foot, let's talk about how we can be more professional and well presented. On the personal side, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but someone's wearing a very offensive cologne. Incidentally, I do think it's inappropriate to bring visiting relatives to work. (To Carlene) Is there any particular reason you're lying on the sofa?

Charlene

Yes, she has premenstrual cramps.

Allison

You suffer from P.M.S.?

Carlene

Um... actually back home we call it F.T.S... Fixin' To Start. And then when it finally arrives, you say your cousin's visiting. And that's why it was so funny this morning when Anthony said Julia's cousin was visiting, I thought that Julia was... Fixin' To Start.... then you showed up

Allison

(to Mary Jo) Incidentally, I assume you meant for your lips to be that color this morning.

Mary Jo

Yes.....I did.

Allison

Ok. I'm just a person who believes if someone has a bird on their head you should tell them.

Charlene

Mary Jo, guess what I found in the mall last night. Carlene and I went shopping, and I had this picture of my whole family put on this button....see? Here's my mama and my daddy, all my brothers and all my sisters. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna wear it when I meet the Queen....see that way she gets to see my whole family.

Mary Jo

Uh-huh. That will certainly set you apart from the crowd.

Allison

Let me get this straight. You're gonna wear that when you meet the Queen?

Charlene

Yeah, why?

Allison

Well, as I was just saying to Mary Jo, I believe that if someone has a bird on their head you have to tell them, and I am here to tell you that you do not impress the Queen of England by showing up with a big ol' soup plate on your breast with 49 hicks emblazoned on it!

Carlene

Oh no... (chuckling)... you can't go in there.

Allison

Why not?

Carlene

My cat's using it.

Allison

Your cat is using our bathroom?

Carlene

Yeah, I bought this book that says how you can forever eliminate litter boxes with their offensive odors, and what you do is: you take the litter box and put it on a stack of magazines right by the toilet, and every day you just add more and more magazines to the pile until it's right level with that toilet. And then you take that litter box and put it right on top of the toilet, so the cat gets used to (snap) jumping up there. And finally, you just remove the litter box entirely and just leave the lid up on the toilet, and you know what happens (smiling with her brilliance) ?

Allison

Yes. The cat jumps into the toilet. I admit that it's a great gag, and I certainly enjoy playing elaborate practical jokes on household pets as much as anyone but, Carlene, why are you doing this here?

Carlene

Well, I've got to supervise her progress.

Mary Jo

Y'know, I think it's just amazing that you can get a cat to understand the concept of a commode. My dog Brownie, I mean, he just thinks of ours as just a giant punch bowl.

Carlene

(laughing hysterically) Mary Jo, I can't believe you said that!

Allison

Yes I know. Every time I come in here she's a pickin' and you're a grinnin'.

Mary Jo

Anthony, where have you been all morning?

Anthony

Mary Jo, the proper question to ask is 'where have I been all night.' And the answer is... I was locked in the basement of Suzanne's house.

Allison

Oh! Were you in the basement? I thought I heard something down there last night.

Anthony

Oh really? Did it sound something like someone screaming "let me out of here, Bitch!!"?

Allison

So... that's Mark Bayswell.

Julia

Uh huh.

Allison

That's the man who's going to take you back into the world of dating.

Julia

That's right.

Allison

Uh HUH.

Julia

What exactly do you mean by 'uh huh?'

Allison

Nothing. You just proved my point, that's all.

Julia

What's your point?

Allison

Julia!! That is the gayest human being I've ever seen in my life!

Julia

He is Not!

Allison

Julia!! He was wearing a Lacoste. He knows what a peplum is. In a twenty second conversation he managed to work in 'Ida Lupino.' And he has never laid a finger on you, am I right?

Julia

I'm not going to answer that.

Allison

You just did.

Allison

There are many, many sufferers of [Obnoxious Personality Disorder]. It's such a sad story. Literally thousands of people have lost their friends, their jobs, even their husbands and wives--- simply because they're obnoxious. And there is also a very high rate of alcoholism.

Mary Jo

Among obnoxious people...

Allison

No, among their friends and relations.

Allison

Julia, wait! I just wanted to hear how your "date" went last night.

Julia

Y'know, Allison, you're very clever with those quotation marks, but just for the record, I prefer my conversations straight forward and unencumbered by little rabbit gestures. Do you "get it?"

Allison

But I was right wasn't I? Your "boyfriend" didn't lay a hand on you, did he?

Julia

Not that it is remotely even any of your business, but just to wipe that smirk off your face, I will tell you. You were not right. He is positively not gay.

Allison

How do you know?

Julia

I picked up subtle signals while he had his tongue down my throat. Now what do you say to that?

Allison

(dumbfounded.....) He must be bi.

Julia

Allison, he is NOT!! You were wrong! You're always wrong, and you never want to admit it. He is straight! There is no question about it. He made that fact uncomfortably clear!

Allison

"Uncomfortably?" (as Allison makes her quotation mark gestures, Julia grabs her hands... ) Oh, I'm sorry! It's a habit.....it's going to take some getting used to. I'm just so interested in this word "uncomfortably." I mean, it seems there's something you're not admitting, Little Miss Cards-on-the-table.

Julia

Oh, alright. I'll give you that. I guess subconsciously I did think Mark was gay and therefore I was safe.

Anthony

Julia, excuse me for overhearing, but I just want to add my two cents.

Julia

Oh please!! I do so want to hear from everyone on this subject! Call your friends!

Anthony

I was just going to say; you can't force yourself to start dating if it isn't time. I know because there came a day in my life when I wasn't interested in any romantic involvement at all. The whole idea didn't appeal to me, period, and no matter who approached me, I just wasn't interested.

Julia

Really, Anthony? When was that?

Anthony

That was the day I entered prison.

Carlene

Oh, Mary Jo. You are just the best girlfriend I've ever had! I mean it! If you were a man I'd marry you. I would!(pondering) But Julia, you know what . . . I would find you very attractive too. It would be a tough decision . . . Mary Jo or Julia. I can't decide! Allison, what do you think?

Allison

I think you need a date — bad!!

Carlene

You think so?

Mary Jo

Oh, don't pay any attention to her. She's just mad because none of us want to marry her.

Allison

Wh- What's wrong with your voice? It sounds low.

Anthony

(deep voice) I have a code. Allison Sugarbaker, Dwayne Dobber.

Julia

Well, hi there, Bernice. You're rather early.

Bernice

I know I wasn't supposed to come until tonight, but now I am just bored out of my skull living at Leisure Land. They're so conservative there. You can't do a thing. Just buy a pushup bra and you cause a damn scandal!

Allison

Bernice, you seem so allusive and abrasive and with it today. Are you feeling O.K.?

Bernice

Oh, I feel great! I think this new pushup bra is redirecting the artillery flow to my brain. When I woke up this morning, I could see that it was all system's go. I said: "Bernice, start your engines."

Allison

Um, Bernice, y'know we're going to be awfully busy today, and maybe you might want to go up to Julia's study and watch TV. After all, we're going to be so busy with Miss Chamberlain all afternoon, and that would be just boring for Bernice.

Bernice

Are you talking about that rich girl you sent Anthony out to date, in hope that she would hire you to redecorate her father's hotel chain?

Julia

Bernice, how did you get that idea?

Bernice

I didn't. I just guessed. Ooh, Bernice, you are hot today! It must be the bra.

Carlene

Bernice, there is no way you could've just guessed that. Now, how did you know?

Bernice

Well, actually, Anthony and Vanessa Chamberlain came by my apartment last night while they were on a date.

Julia

Bernice, Anthony is not dating Vanessa Chamberlain to procure work for us. They had a business dinner, and it was strictly business. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Bernice

Yes, I do. You're trying to convince me that you aren't a pimp.

Carlene

[Sitting by Bernice] Bernice, you see Anthony and Vanessa met after she ran into him in her Austin-Healey convertible, and then he found out her father owns this big chain of bed and breakfast inns and they need a decorator. So he's kinda courting her, but it's not really romantic or anything.

Bernice

Well it sure looked romantic when they were pressing their lips together in front of my door...

Allison

Bernice, you actually saw that?

Bernice

Oh yes, I did, before I opened the door. You should get one of those peep holes or a video camera. It's just hours of fun.

Allison

This is great, Julia! If they were really kissing, then it means we've got the job.

Julia

Allison, that's not what it means. Actually, I'm not sure what it means.

Bernice

I know what it means. It means you guys used Anthony as date bait and it worked.

Julia

Well, Anthony doesn't need to stay in her good graces on our account.

Allison

Excuse me, Julia, but there is a recession on, and we need this job. If we get it, it will be the biggest one this firm's ever gotten.

Bernice

Don't worry about Anthony. He's not suffering, believe me. They were really going to town outside my door last night.

Carlene

Bernice, you've got to be exaggerating. Anthony has not said one word about being attracted to this person.

Bernice

Well, that doesn't mean a thing, Carlene. I'm sure he hasn't said a word about being attracted to me either.

Carlene

Anthony was attracted to you?

Bernice

Not was, Carlene---is. Can't you tell the electricity when we're both in the same room at the same time?

Carlene

No.

Bernice

Oh, I feel sorry for you people with your sad, little anemic lives. Not only has passion never knocked on your doors, it doesn't even know where you live.