Bernice quotes from Designing Women

Bernice

I don't think this safe sex is what it's cracked up to be. My husband and I weren't that happy and we always had safe sex. I mean we had it in bed... and I was usually asleep. I don't think you can get any safer than that.

Bernice

And whenever we go to McDonald's, she always wants to know what the fish is like. And I always have to say, "It's square fish, Phyllis. Okay?"

Bernice

They didn't say anything about a tape at the store! I thought you just sent the whole camera in. Oh, darn! Another beautiful Kodak moment down the toilet. Y'know, I think I'll just go back to that store and give them a piece of my mind. Or maybe not . . . it just may be the piece that's working.

Bernice

(to a man in a truck-stop diner) I'll be your long-haul momma, if you'll be my hard-driving man.

Bernice

I can explain. I'm not sure, but I think this man (Anthony) has been holding us hostage.

Bernice, that's not true!

Bernice

Oh... okay.

Is this the boy whose funeral you're planning?

Julia

Where did you hear that?

I heard the rumors, but I didn't actually believe it was true! Now I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, but if these boys hadn't been doing what they were doing, they wouldn't be getting what's coming to them now.

Mary Jo

Imogene, gays aren't the only ones getting it.

No, but they're the ones who started it.

Actually nobody knows how it got started. Gays are just one of the first groups it showed up in.

Yes, and for a good reason... you reap what you sow. You boys brought this on yourselves. As far as I'm concerned this disease has one thing going for it... it's killing all the right people!

Julia

Imogene, I'm terribly sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car.

Why?

Julia

(pulling her towards the door) Because you're leaving. The only thing worse than all these people who never had any morals before AIDS are all you holier-than-thou types who think you're exempt from getting it.

Well, for your information, I am exempt. I haven't lived like these people, and I don't care what you say, Julia Sugarbaker, I believe this is God's punishment for what they've done.

Suzanne

Oh yeah? Then how come lesbians get it less?

That is not for me to say... I just know that these people are getting what they deserve!

Julia

Imogene, get serious! Who do you think you're talking to? I've known you for 27 years, and all I can say is... if God was giving out sexually transmitted diseases to people as a punishment for sinning, that you would be at the free clinic all the time! ... and so would the rest of us!

Bernice

I think she makes a good point.

Oh, who cares what you think?! (she points at her head) You're not even all there!

Bernice

(shocked) Well, as long as we're on the subject, (pointing at her chest) neither are you!

(totally furious) Well, you needn't look forward to any more of my business in this lifetime!

Julia

Wonderful! I'll close up your account! And another thing, my son has an A in chemistry! In fact, he's making all As! In everything — including P.E!

Bernice

Look what I found in the ladies room...

Charlene

Oh Bernice, put her back!

Did you know that it's a criminal offense to solicit an emergency vehicle under false pretenses?

Bernice

Do you know that if the Avon lady falls down on your property you have to pay for it?

Whaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

Don't cry, Mary Jo. What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. She's just jealous because I was the first baby born after midnite — January One, 1990.

I'm not jealous, I'm hungry!! I only weighed in at five pounds.sucks her thumb

Yeah, like that's a problem. You know you're little and tiny and cute. Of course you're not as cute as some people. Hey where's that mirror-mobile? I like that thing.

Suzanne, suck your pacifier.

Ohh!! A little fussy today aren't we? Well, you're all just jealous because I won the new car. I was the first baby. I won, I won, I won!

Suzanne, I am not fussy today. I just don't particularly care for the head nurse. She is so superior! I'm especially tired of her coming in here every five minutes with that thermometer. I'd like to tell her where to stick it.....but apparently she already knows.

Well I think this whole place is great. It's twenty-four hour room service, and look! [She holds up her hospital ID bracelet.] Free jewelry!

Are you serious?

Yeah, I think it's pretty.

Well, I'm glad you're developing a taste for cheap bracelets. You're gonna need that later on in life. And by the way, would someone kindly tell me what is he doing here?

Excuse me, but to whom are you referring?

Oh, well like I'm the only one here who noticed! Hasn't anyone else asked themselves what is wrong with this picture?

He's different!

Oh, I know. I especially noticed during the diaper change. He's definitely different.

That's right, very very different. And I'll tell you something else. For some reason, I do not particularly appreciate being put behind these bars. Whaaaaahhhh!! I don't want to be incarcerated anymore! Let me out! I'm busting out of here now!!

Oh keep your diapers on!! You wouldn't even make it to the hallway.

Well maybe not on my own... but I'm gonna be driving that little car right there.

Whaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!

I was just gonna borrow it. I'll bring it back.

You can't take that!! It's my car, I won it. I'm the New Years baby!

Not anymore!! Not anymore!!

That's my car!! That's my car!!!

Suzanne

That's my car!!! Whaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! Slowly she wakes up, with everyone staring at her. What's going on? What's happening?

Bernice

First you fell asleep. Then you made a fool of yourself.

Bernice

Well I don't know what all of the fuss is about anyway, even if these things did happen. Now, I've eaten at Long John Silvers many times. . . and I've never found a hair in my coke. And if I had, I wouldn't hesitate to send it back — and it wouldn't be ten years later either.

Mary Jo

Thank you, Bernice.

Bernice

And I'll tell you another thing; That Anita Bryant has caused trouble before. . . when she went out against the homosexuals. And here she is, trying to ruin this man.

Anthony

Bernice, that was Anita Bryant, this is Anita Hill.

Bernice

Oh. Well I thought Anita Bryant was white, but they both have the same hair-do.

Bernice

(singing) Black man!! Black Man, where have you gone to? Black Man!! Black Man . . . where did you go? . . .

Anthony

Bernice, what the hell are you singing about?

Bernice

Oh, Anthony I don't know. It just comes to me, I can't explain it. It's a gift.

Bernice

I think we should get some bricks and some baseball bats and go over there and teach them the true meaning of Christmas.

Anthony

You see. this is exactly what i was talking about. Extra-terrestrial activity sponsored by the ku klux klan!

Bernice

Hi everybody! I'm sorry I'm late, but I couldn't resist finding out what 'Live, Totally, Nude' was all about!!

Mary Jo

Well what is it all about?

Bernice

Listen sister, I'm not telling. If you want to know, you go pay $17.50 for a bad Mai Tai, and then we'll talk. Dear me — what is that awful smell? Has somebody been spraying for bugs?

Mary Jo

No, that's some of Carlene's home-made potpourri, we all won some as a door prize.

Bernice

Well, you need to take that and get the hell outta here...it stinks!!

Julia

Well, hi there, Bernice. You're rather early.

Bernice

I know I wasn't supposed to come until tonight, but now I am just bored out of my skull living at Leisure Land. They're so conservative there. You can't do a thing. Just buy a pushup bra and you cause a damn scandal!

Allison

Bernice, you seem so allusive and abrasive and with it today. Are you feeling O.K.?

Bernice

Oh, I feel great! I think this new pushup bra is redirecting the artillery flow to my brain. When I woke up this morning, I could see that it was all system's go. I said: "Bernice, start your engines."

Allison

Um, Bernice, y'know we're going to be awfully busy today, and maybe you might want to go up to Julia's study and watch TV. After all, we're going to be so busy with Miss Chamberlain all afternoon, and that would be just boring for Bernice.

Bernice

Are you talking about that rich girl you sent Anthony out to date, in hope that she would hire you to redecorate her father's hotel chain?

Julia

Bernice, how did you get that idea?

Bernice

I didn't. I just guessed. Ooh, Bernice, you are hot today! It must be the bra.

Carlene

Bernice, there is no way you could've just guessed that. Now, how did you know?

Bernice

Well, actually, Anthony and Vanessa Chamberlain came by my apartment last night while they were on a date.

Julia

Bernice, Anthony is not dating Vanessa Chamberlain to procure work for us. They had a business dinner, and it was strictly business. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Bernice

Yes, I do. You're trying to convince me that you aren't a pimp.

Carlene

[Sitting by Bernice] Bernice, you see Anthony and Vanessa met after she ran into him in her Austin-Healey convertible, and then he found out her father owns this big chain of bed and breakfast inns and they need a decorator. So he's kinda courting her, but it's not really romantic or anything.

Bernice

Well it sure looked romantic when they were pressing their lips together in front of my door...

Allison

Bernice, you actually saw that?

Bernice

Oh yes, I did, before I opened the door. You should get one of those peep holes or a video camera. It's just hours of fun.

Allison

This is great, Julia! If they were really kissing, then it means we've got the job.

Julia

Allison, that's not what it means. Actually, I'm not sure what it means.

Bernice

I know what it means. It means you guys used Anthony as date bait and it worked.

Julia

Well, Anthony doesn't need to stay in her good graces on our account.

Allison

Excuse me, Julia, but there is a recession on, and we need this job. If we get it, it will be the biggest one this firm's ever gotten.

Bernice

Don't worry about Anthony. He's not suffering, believe me. They were really going to town outside my door last night.

Carlene

Bernice, you've got to be exaggerating. Anthony has not said one word about being attracted to this person.

Bernice

Well, that doesn't mean a thing, Carlene. I'm sure he hasn't said a word about being attracted to me either.

Carlene

Anthony was attracted to you?

Bernice

Not was, Carlene---is. Can't you tell the electricity when we're both in the same room at the same time?

Carlene

No.

Bernice

Oh, I feel sorry for you people with your sad, little anemic lives. Not only has passion never knocked on your doors, it doesn't even know where you live.