[Anthony is on caffeine pills to cram in all his studies.]
Well, I'm sorry, but I went all the way through college myself and never once did I have to use stimulants. I managed to keep up with my courses and a very active social life. And let me tell you, those were 6 ½ of the best years of my life.
Oh, Anthony. I'm sure glad I'm not in your shoes. When I used to take exams I used to get soooo nervous the night before. I would have the most incredible dreams . . . y'know. Like that I would show up in the classroom just as everyone was finishing their test, and the professor would say "You're two hours late . . . sorry" — or — I would have this dream where — y'know-- I get there on time and everything, but I'd look at the test and I wouldn't know any of the answers. I mean I had studied completely the wrong thing . . . and then I would look down and I had forgotten to dress — I was completely naked!! Here, have some juice.
AnthonyThat does it. I'm not taking any more of these pills. Working with her is stimulating enough.
[Anthony is running errands for the ladies to help them prepare for Charlene's baby shower.]
I'm sorry you can't stay for the shower, it's just one of those all girl times.
Anthony
Believe me, Charlene, I understand perfectly. It's absolutely alright. I go to all-boy parties sometimes, and we have those little tiny sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and then we play word games where the prize is a biscuit cutter, so I've had my fill.
You do know that we're here to take you down to the hotel for the ceremony...
Yes, of course. I'm almost ready. Just let me touch up my makeup.
(suspicious) Ok, Suzanne. What's going on?
You know, Julia. We're going down to the Marriott to see those pageant people.
(relieved) Oh, Suzanne, this is great. Yesterday, when you said that stuff about your cold, dead scalp, y'know, and then you ran out to the parking lot and threw yourself on the ground kicking and screaming, and then you crawled to your car with dirt and saliva all over your face, and then you drove away peeling rubber... we thought you were upset.
Yes, well I talked to Consuela, and I'm better now.
Anthony
Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that.
I'd like to think that this means you and Consuela had a soul-searching chat, and you re-evaluated your priorities and realized crown, or no crown, you are who you are — but I have a feeling I'd be disappointed.
Anthony
I have a feeling it's more like little dolls, straight pins and chicken parts.
Did Consuela make a Donna Jo Carnes doll?
Yes, and she also put a curse on that Audrey woman too, and I wrote down on this piece of paper a hundred times It will not happen, so you all can just go ahead and laugh, but I know in my heart it's just not going to happen.
Suzanne, you're just making this harder on yourself. Now I've talked to Reese, and apparently there's no statute of limitations on this thing, and there's nothing we can do here.
When I was a little girl, you told me, "Suzanne, if there's anything in this life you want to be, you can be it. All you have to do it want it enough." That's how I won that contest in the first place — I wanted it more. All those other girls were running around saying, "I don't care who wins. I just enjoy the camaraderie and meeting all the other girls from all over the state of Georgia." I didn't give a flip about meeting other girls. I can meet other girls any ole time. And maybe they didn't mean it, but they said it, so a little tiny bit of them did mean it. I never said it. Basically, I just said, "I want that crown to be on my head." So I'll just go down and talk to these people and eplain it all to them, and they won't take my crown. They can't because... because you told me I could be whatever I want to be if I just want it bad enough. And I want to be Miss Georgia... for the rest of my life.
[Suzanne, Mary Jo and Anthony are in the hospital waiting room, where Anthony's Tina Turner-looking date Vanessa is dancing with headphones on.]
Hey, Anthony, congratulations on your date. She's very classy, very sort of Radcliffey.
Anthony
I know she isn't exactly what I had in mind, but she does have her good points.
Anthony
Uh-huh, that's right. Anyway, I was probably just gonna take her on home, but now the streets are so bad I don't think we can make it.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, she strikes me as the kind of girl who's equally at ease at home, or in a social setting.
[It's now Suzanne's turn to dream, and she is dreaming that she, Charlene, Julia, Mary Jo, and Anthony are all infants in the hospital nursery in a giant crib or playpen....]
BMBaby Mary Jo
Whaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
BCBaby Charlene
Don't cry, Mary Jo. What's wrong?
BSBaby Suzanne
Nothing's wrong. She's just jealous because I was the first baby born after midnite — January One, 1990.
BMBaby Mary Jo
I'm not jealous, I'm hungry!! I only weighed in at five pounds.sucks her thumb
BSBaby Suzanne
Yeah, like that's a problem. You know you're little and tiny and cute. Of course you're not as cute as some people. Hey where's that mirror-mobile? I like that thing.
BJBaby Julia
Suzanne, suck your pacifier.
BSBaby Suzanne
Ohh!! A little fussy today aren't we? Well, you're all just jealous because I won the new car. I was the first baby. I won, I won, I won!
BJBaby Julia
Suzanne, I am not fussy today. I just don't particularly care for the head nurse. She is so superior! I'm especially tired of her coming in here every five minutes with that thermometer. I'd like to tell her where to stick it.....but apparently she already knows.
BCBaby Charlene
Well I think this whole place is great. It's twenty-four hour room service, and look! [She holds up her hospital ID bracelet.] Free jewelry!
BSBaby Suzanne
Are you serious?
BCBaby Charlene
Yeah, I think it's pretty.
BSBaby Suzanne
Well, I'm glad you're developing a taste for cheap bracelets. You're gonna need that later on in life. And by the way, would someone kindly tell me what is he doing here?
BABaby Anthony
Excuse me, but to whom are you referring?
BSBaby Suzanne
Oh, well like I'm the only one here who noticed! Hasn't anyone else asked themselves what is wrong with this picture?
BMBaby Mary Jo
He's different!
BCBaby Charlene
Oh, I know. I especially noticed during the diaper change. He's definitely different.
BABaby Anthony
That's right, very very different. And I'll tell you something else. For some reason, I do not particularly appreciate being put behind these bars. Whaaaaahhhh!! I don't want to be incarcerated anymore! Let me out! I'm busting out of here now!!
BSBaby Suzanne
Oh keep your diapers on!! You wouldn't even make it to the hallway.
BABaby Anthony
Well maybe not on my own... but I'm gonna be driving that little car right there.
BSBaby Suzanne
Whaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!
BABaby Anthony
I was just gonna borrow it. I'll bring it back.
BSBaby Suzanne
You can't take that!! It's my car, I won it. I'm the New Years baby!
BBBaby Bernice
Not anymore!! Not anymore!!
BSBaby Suzanne
That's my car!! That's my car!!!
Why don't you want to talk to Bernice?
Anthony
Because that hooker she had booked on her show cancelled out.
I know. I told her to call my friend Monette for help.
Anthony
We tried that, but Monette and Atlanta's better class of prostitutes have gone to Las Vegas for a convention. Consequently, in Bernice's hour of need, Atlanta is suffering a severe shortage. Now we were out until three in the morning driving around in her cadillac looking for — as she put it — "fresh meat". I nearly wrapped the car around a post when she leaned out the window and yelled, "Work it, girl! How'd you like to strut your stuff on public access?!"
[The war between Allison and Anthony over Suzanne's house continues:]
Anthony
Just so you know, Allison. I did not appreciate waking up this morning and finding my wardrobe on the front lawn.
I did not appreciate the "Die, fascist pig" note in my pajamas pocket either.
Anthony
I didn't put any note in your pajamas.
Oh... I guess it was somebody else.
[Allison starts to enter the storeroom/bathroom... ]
Oh no... (chuckling)... you can't go in there.
Your cat is using our bathroom?
Yeah, I bought this book that says how you can forever eliminate litter boxes with their offensive odors, and what you do is: you take the litter box and put it on a stack of magazines right by the toilet, and every day you just add more and more magazines to the pile until it's right level with that toilet. And then you take that litter box and put it right on top of the toilet, so the cat gets used to (snap) jumping up there. And finally, you just remove the litter box entirely and just leave the lid up on the toilet, and you know what happens (smiling with her brilliance) ?
Yes. The cat jumps into the toilet. I admit that it's a great gag, and I certainly enjoy playing elaborate practical jokes on household pets as much as anyone but, Carlene, why are you doing this here?
Well, I've got to supervise her progress.
Y'know, I think it's just amazing that you can get a cat to understand the concept of a commode. My dog Brownie, I mean, he just thinks of ours as just a giant punch bowl.
(laughing hysterically) Mary Jo, I can't believe you said that!
Yes I know. Every time I come in here she's a pickin' and you're a grinnin'.
Anthony, where have you been all morning?
Anthony
Mary Jo, the proper question to ask is 'where have I been all night.' And the answer is... I was locked in the basement of Suzanne's house.
Oh! Were you in the basement? I thought I heard something down there last night.
Anthony
Oh really? Did it sound something like someone screaming "let me out of here, Bitch!!"?
[each set of quotation marks signifies quotation mark hand gestures]
Julia, wait! I just wanted to hear how your "date" went last night.
Y'know, Allison, you're very clever with those quotation marks, but just for the record, I prefer my conversations straight forward and unencumbered by little rabbit gestures. Do you "get it?"
But I was right wasn't I? Your "boyfriend" didn't lay a hand on you, did he?
Not that it is remotely even any of your business, but just to wipe that smirk off your face, I will tell you. You were not right. He is positively not gay.
I picked up subtle signals while he had his tongue down my throat. Now what do you say to that?
(dumbfounded.....) He must be bi.
Allison, he is NOT!! You were wrong! You're always wrong, and you never want to admit it. He is straight! There is no question about it. He made that fact uncomfortably clear!
"Uncomfortably?" (as Allison makes her quotation mark gestures, Julia grabs her hands... ) Oh, I'm sorry! It's a habit.....it's going to take some getting used to. I'm just so interested in this word "uncomfortably." I mean, it seems there's something you're not admitting, Little Miss Cards-on-the-table.
Oh, alright. I'll give you that. I guess subconsciously I did think Mark was gay and therefore I was safe.
Anthony
Julia, excuse me for overhearing, but I just want to add my two cents.
Oh please!! I do so want to hear from everyone on this subject! Call your friends!
Anthony
I was just going to say; you can't force yourself to start dating if it isn't time. I know because there came a day in my life when I wasn't interested in any romantic involvement at all. The whole idea didn't appeal to me, period, and no matter who approached me, I just wasn't interested.
Really, Anthony? When was that?
Anthony
That was the day I entered prison.
Well I don't know what all of the fuss is about anyway, even if these things did happen. Now, I've eaten at Long John Silvers many times. . . and I've never found a hair in my coke. And if I had, I wouldn't hesitate to send it back — and it wouldn't be ten years later either.
And I'll tell you another thing; That Anita Bryant has caused trouble before. . . when she went out against the homosexuals. And here she is, trying to ruin this man.
Anthony
Bernice, that was Anita Bryant, this is Anita Hill.
Oh. Well I thought Anita Bryant was white, but they both have the same hair-do.
[They just find out another design firm has stolen their yuletide house design.]
I think we should get some bricks and some baseball bats and go over there and teach them the true meaning of Christmas.
Anthony
You see. this is exactly what i was talking about. Extra-terrestrial activity sponsored by the ku klux klan!
Designing Women · 255 quotes
