Oh my gosh. I don't believe it.
See that man over there with the hunting cap? You know, with the ear flaps?
Mary JoWhat'd he do to you? Blow you a hayseed?
Mary Jo
That's just his way of sayin' hi-dee!
I don't like the way he's lookin' at me with his eyes.
You know . . . Like he's lickin' the back of my neck.
BBILL
I say we pay the bill, leave an incredibly large tip, and get the hell out of here.
Mary Jo
Oh don't be ridiculous. She thinks everybody is trying to lick the back of her neck.
[The ladies are set to play the Supremes in a talent show, so in an effort to be more authentic, Suzanne buys everyone dark facial and body makeup.]
Mary Jo
Suzanne, we can't go around in black face, that's racist!
Why? If Dustin Hoffman was gonna play Martin Luther King, you don't think he'd wear black makeup?
Suzanne, Dustin Hoffman would never play Martin Luther King — that part would go to a black actor.
Well I think that's racist! I mean, I think it should go to whoever the best person is — and that could be Dustin Hoffman.
[Suzanne and Mary Jo cruise the grocery store:]
Well, all this stuff's got to go. And may I remind you, Mary Jo, we are not lookin' for men. I'm helping you.
Mary Jo
Now Suzanne, I need this stuff.
Mary Jo, men do not come up and talk to a woman who is wheelin' around a 25 pound sack of dog food and a big box of Kotex. I mean, you might as well just top it off with that giant bottle of Milk of Magnesia. What we need to get ya are some seductive groceries, okay? Like a little pate, some chilled wine, flowers.
Mary Jo
Hey, why don't we just go all the way and fill up the baby seat with beer and contraceptives.
[Suzanne and Mary Jo walk into a class filled with women.]
Is this the Advanced Auto Mechanics class?
Mary Jo
Suzanne.
I think you must have a curse on you or something, Mary Jo. I could sit in a convent for two minutes and meet a man, but you, you're just poison.
Mary Jo
What have you got in that envelope?
Charlene's jewelry. Julia just gave it to me. Did you see this dinky little diamond chip[bracelet] he gave her?
Mary Jo
Suzanne, they're saving for a house.
Well, I don't care. In a few minutes she's gonna be lying in that delivery room like a big ole zeppelin tied to stirrups, and he gives her a chip... can you believe it?(shortly later on the phone with Bill) Listen, Colonel? Next time you go buying jewelry we gotta talk. I mean, this little diamond chip business isn't gonna get it. That's something you give a six-year-old when she joins the church.
[Suzanne, Mary Jo and Anthony are in the hospital waiting room, where Anthony's Tina Turner-looking date Vanessa is dancing with headphones on.]
Hey, Anthony, congratulations on your date. She's very classy, very sort of Radcliffey.
I know she isn't exactly what I had in mind, but she does have her good points.
Mary Jo
She's a good dancer.
Uh-huh, that's right. Anyway, I was probably just gonna take her on home, but now the streets are so bad I don't think we can make it.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, she strikes me as the kind of girl who's equally at ease at home, or in a social setting.
[It's now Suzanne's turn to dream, and she is dreaming that she, Charlene, Julia, Mary Jo, and Anthony are all infants in the hospital nursery in a giant crib or playpen....]
BMBaby Mary Jo
Whaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
BCBaby Charlene
Don't cry, Mary Jo. What's wrong?
BSBaby Suzanne
Nothing's wrong. She's just jealous because I was the first baby born after midnite — January One, 1990.
BMBaby Mary Jo
I'm not jealous, I'm hungry!! I only weighed in at five pounds.sucks her thumb
BSBaby Suzanne
Yeah, like that's a problem. You know you're little and tiny and cute. Of course you're not as cute as some people. Hey where's that mirror-mobile? I like that thing.
BJBaby Julia
Suzanne, suck your pacifier.
BSBaby Suzanne
Ohh!! A little fussy today aren't we? Well, you're all just jealous because I won the new car. I was the first baby. I won, I won, I won!
BJBaby Julia
Suzanne, I am not fussy today. I just don't particularly care for the head nurse. She is so superior! I'm especially tired of her coming in here every five minutes with that thermometer. I'd like to tell her where to stick it.....but apparently she already knows.
BCBaby Charlene
Well I think this whole place is great. It's twenty-four hour room service, and look! [She holds up her hospital ID bracelet.] Free jewelry!
BSBaby Suzanne
Are you serious?
BCBaby Charlene
Yeah, I think it's pretty.
BSBaby Suzanne
Well, I'm glad you're developing a taste for cheap bracelets. You're gonna need that later on in life. And by the way, would someone kindly tell me what is he doing here?
BABaby Anthony
Excuse me, but to whom are you referring?
BSBaby Suzanne
Oh, well like I'm the only one here who noticed! Hasn't anyone else asked themselves what is wrong with this picture?
BMBaby Mary Jo
He's different!
BCBaby Charlene
Oh, I know. I especially noticed during the diaper change. He's definitely different.
BABaby Anthony
That's right, very very different. And I'll tell you something else. For some reason, I do not particularly appreciate being put behind these bars. Whaaaaahhhh!! I don't want to be incarcerated anymore! Let me out! I'm busting out of here now!!
BSBaby Suzanne
Oh keep your diapers on!! You wouldn't even make it to the hallway.
BABaby Anthony
Well maybe not on my own... but I'm gonna be driving that little car right there.
BSBaby Suzanne
Whaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!
BABaby Anthony
I was just gonna borrow it. I'll bring it back.
BSBaby Suzanne
You can't take that!! It's my car, I won it. I'm the New Years baby!
BBBaby Bernice
Not anymore!! Not anymore!!
BSBaby Suzanne
That's my car!! That's my car!!!
Mary Jo
What the heck is that stuff?
It's rice cakes. I started my diet last night.
Mary Jo
You put jelly on them?
Yes. Do you have a problem with that?
Mary Jo
You've been on a diet for 12 hours and already you're this cranky?
Yes. As a matter of fact, after work I'll probably be crashing my car into a Taco Bell. What's it to you?
Mary Jo
Nothing. I just hate it when you're on a diet.
Yeah, that's because you're little and tiny and cute. You never have to eat stuff like rice cakes. I oughta just cram this down your throat.
[Suzanne walks down the runway in the fur pullover jacket.]
PProtestor
Fifty living creatures died for that coat!
PProtestor
How does it feel to have a corpse on your back?
Mary Jo
Queen of the snappy comebacks strikes again.
[Anthony calls from a waffle house, as Charlene relays the conversation to the ladies]
She's in the van still stuck on the highway. (to Anthony) I bet she's mad. I mean, I hate to criticize, but even on a good day she's kind of cranky. (to the ladies) He says she's in a good mood.
Mary Jo
Gee. Maybe we should have stuck her out on the freeway in a leaky van a long time ago.
What? He says she's happy because this is her last furniture shipment and if it's not delivered by midnight tonight her entire job is free.
Where would she get a bizarre idea like that?
Mary Jo
Great, Suzanne. Why don't you just give away free pepperoni on the sofas?!
There! You see? That shows how good you'd be at sales because that wouldn't work at all. You people act like it's just so easy for me to hustle up business for this place, like I've just got to stand on the corner and go "Hey! Drapes and coffee tables!" and people just come running. Well you're wrong. I have to flirt, I have to deal, I have to lie, and sometimes I even have to threaten. THAT is called SALES. It's not pretty. I am, but it's not.
Suzanne, I can't believe you did that. That is thousands and thousands of dollars. We can't afford to pay for all that stuff.
Hey, I sell stuff — I'm the front-end person. You're supposed to deliver it — you're the rear-end people.
[Having recently had a baby and feeling like nothing but a big exhausted mother blob, Charlene takes a meeting with a client...]
Mary Jo
So how'd it go?
Mary Jo
When?
I'm not sure. I think it was right after we said hello and shook hands.
I think about 15 minutes. We were sitting on his sofa in his office talking about putting levalors on the windows, and I just sort of nodded off. Sometime after that he woke me up... apparently I was snoring.
Mary Jo
... and then what happened?
Well, yeah... cuz I looked down and while I'd been asleep I'd gotten these great big wet milk spots on the front of my blouse.
It was just so humiliating.
And then I just jumped up real quick and put on my coat.
The one with the baby spit on it?
That's right. And thank you for telling me, Suzanne. I didn't notice 'til I'd gotten there.
Mary Jo
And then you left?
... and that's when I fell flat on my face in the reception area.
I don't think I want to hear anymore.
I probably wouldn't have fallen except that I'd put my pantyhose on so twisted this morning I've been walking like John Wayne all day. Then my purse came open... and y'know I had that box of baby suppositories in there. They just flew everywhere. There I was, on my hands and knees, wet, sobbing, mascara running down my face, my pantyhose twisted, trying to gather up all these little white firecrackers... ...y'know. Two of the secretaries had to lift me off the floor and help me to my car. Or maybe they were throwing me out... I don't know. I never looked back.
Designing Women · 255 quotes
