A character in Designing Women
Played by Annie Potts
Designing Women · 255 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Designing Women: in 79 of its 255 quotes
Most scenes with: Suzanne (35), Julia (30), Charlene (23)
Mary JoI guess we have been sorta tacky today.
Which I don't understand because basically, we're very nice girls.
Mary JoYeah. But we don't talk half as bad as men do. Men say things like, "Yeah, I'm gonna go out and get me some tonight."
Mary Jo. I don't know any men who say that.
Oh yeah. Reese talks like that all the time.
[Suzanne enters followed by Vanessa. Vanessa is carrying a box.]
Is he here?
Hi, no. He's still at the school. Did you find him a present?
Yeah, yeah. Suzanne's helped me pick it out. It was expensive, but my man's only gonna graduate college once.
[Vanessa opens the box...]
Oh, Vanessa. That looks gorgeous.
Mary JoIt sure is.
Did somebody eat my rice cakes?
Well, I might've had one last night.
You might have? Charlene, it seems to me either you did or you didn't.
All right, I did!
You know, it is funny to me that you people can eat anything in the world... cookies, bread, potato chips, entire sides of beef. I, on the other hand, have been reduced to some tasteless low cal. fish saliva, and yet for some reason you still feel compelled to come over here and chow down on it.
I'm sorry!
Well you oughta be.
[The snooty director from the Tour of Homes arrives at Julia's home with the tourists.]
Where is Julia please?
Mary JoShe's upstairs.
Are you the one who's going to help her give the tour?
Mary JoYes, that would be me.
Well, c'mon. Let's get started. Skidaddle. Hippity hop!
Mary Jo(putting on Southern airs and yelling upstairs to Julia in a snooty immitation of Karen) Julia! The tour is here! Karen wants us to "skidaddle and hippity hop!"
[Julia's house is placed on a Tour of Homes and she is enforced to open her home to inconsiderate tourists.]
Y'know, the other houses were much nicer than this one. This is boring.
Well, this isn't one of our better ones. In fact, the only reason it's on the tour is because this was the home of Lucifer T. Stonewall Sugarbaker. He was a very famous horse thief and Yankee spy. Who's seen Gone With the Wind? Do you remember Belle Watling's house? Well this was the original that it was based on.
This used to be a whore house?
Alright!! That's it. This is not a whore house, this is my house. And I've had all I'm gonna take of you. You don't care about history, you just want to sell it. You don't even sell it honestly. You just want to sell the myth... the myth of the Old South. You all know that myth, don't ya? Happy darkies singing in the field while Miss Scarlett primps around throwing hissy fits. Well that's an insult. It isn't the South. It's an insult to all the people who lived and died here not so very long ago. We Southerners have had to endure many things. But one thing we Southerners don't have to endure is a bunch of bored housewives turning historical homes into theme parks, not to mention ill-mannered tourists with their Big Gulps, Mysties, Slurpees, and Frosties, their dirty feet overflowing rubber thongs, and babies who sneeze fudgecicle juice! Out!! Out of my house!! As God is my witness... I will burn it down myself before I let you in again!!
[The tourists applaud...]
Wow! Just like the movie!
This is the best house on the tour!
[nervously trying to hurry them out Well... we aim to please. And wasn't that a wonderful piece of theater.As she leaves, she shoots Julia a vicious look!]
Mary JoWell... ..
Well...
Mary JoJulia, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I don't think you're gonna be invited to be on the tour of homes next year.
' Frankly my dear... .I don't give a damn.
[After Charlene turns juror Julia in for hearing about her case outside of court.]
(on phone) Hello, Charlene. I just wanted to thank you again for turning me into the judge. Now, the whole jury is sequestered till Lord only knows when, and I am here in Motel Hell, sharing a room with a women with no lips.
Julia, I had to do it. We violated that law. By the way, I don't think your supposed to be making telephone calls. I'd hate to have to report this, too.
If you are so all fire, heaped up about turning people in, I believe you'll find some overdue library books in my upstairs den. Why don't you just report that too, and maybe you'll get your merit badge, you big 'ole donkey girl scout!
Now, Julia, you sound overwrought.
Yeah, well, you're gonna think overwrought. If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter because of this, you're going to pay and pay big. I'm going to find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm talking about you running through the woods in the snow with blood hounds ripping your clothes off! And remember, Charlene, I have your address. You'd be wise to ask yourself "Do I know where my baby is?"!
Julia? Julia!? (hangs up) Oh my gosh, she threatened Olivia.
Mary JoWhat'd she say?
She said she was going to hunt me down like a dog and hire blood hounds to rip my clothes off! Now, I thought the judge was just going to give her a warning. I didn't know she was going to be shut up in a motel room. Now, Suzanne, you know Julia. I mean, when this is all over she'll realize I had to do it and forgive me, don't you think?
I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell out of town.
Mary JoMaybe Bill can put in for a transfer. I here there's a big base up in Greenland. On second thought, Julia'd probably just strap some snow shoes to her pumps and track you down like caribou.
I didn't know Julia had this in her.
Mary JoWell, we all have things about ourselves that even we don't know.
My life has not been easy ever since Reggie Mac Dawson stole all my money. I mean I haven't been able to buy any new jewelry or furs in just . . . months, and I had to wear the same ball gown to two different parties this past season . . . and well lately . . . I can only afford to get my legs waxed up to the knees...(sobs).
Mary JoWell, I had no idea. This poor girl has been through hell. I guess it's just rough going all around these days.
[Here is some fun banter regarding Suzanne that is often cut out of the syndicated version...]
Why'd she (Suzanne) move to Japan anyway?
Well, Suzanne was very attracted to the Japanese economy. They have a very large elderly population there, and she had dated most of the men in this country.
Well that was something about her dating that Emperor Hirohito wouldn't it?
Oh no, Carlene. That was the nephew of Emperor Hirohito. I mean, Emperor Hirohito is dead.
Mary Jo... never stopped Suzanne in the past.
(to Mary Jo) Incidentally, I assume you meant for your lips to be that color this morning.
Mary JoYes.....I did.
Ok. I'm just a person who believes if someone has a bird on their head you should tell them.
Mary Jo, guess what I found in the mall last night. Carlene and I went shopping, and I had this picture of my whole family put on this button....see? Here's my mama and my daddy, all my brothers and all my sisters. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna wear it when I meet the Queen....see that way she gets to see my whole family.
Mary JoUh-huh. That will certainly set you apart from the crowd.
Let me get this straight. You're gonna wear that when you meet the Queen?
Yeah, why?
Well, as I was just saying to Mary Jo, I believe that if someone has a bird on their head you have to tell them, and I am here to tell you that you do not impress the Queen of England by showing up with a big ol' soup plate on your breast with 49 hicks emblazoned on it!
[Allison starts to enter the storeroom/bathroom... ]
Oh no... (chuckling)... you can't go in there.
Why not?
My cat's using it.
Your cat is using our bathroom?
Yeah, I bought this book that says how you can forever eliminate litter boxes with their offensive odors, and what you do is: you take the litter box and put it on a stack of magazines right by the toilet, and every day you just add more and more magazines to the pile until it's right level with that toilet. And then you take that litter box and put it right on top of the toilet, so the cat gets used to (snap) jumping up there. And finally, you just remove the litter box entirely and just leave the lid up on the toilet, and you know what happens (smiling with her brilliance) ?
Yes. The cat jumps into the toilet. I admit that it's a great gag, and I certainly enjoy playing elaborate practical jokes on household pets as much as anyone but, Carlene, why are you doing this here?
Well, I've got to supervise her progress.
Mary JoY'know, I think it's just amazing that you can get a cat to understand the concept of a commode. My dog Brownie, I mean, he just thinks of ours as just a giant punch bowl.
(laughing hysterically) Mary Jo, I can't believe you said that!
Yes I know. Every time I come in here she's a pickin' and you're a grinnin'.
Mary JoAnthony, where have you been all morning?
Mary Jo, the proper question to ask is 'where have I been all night.' And the answer is... I was locked in the basement of Suzanne's house.
Oh! Were you in the basement? I thought I heard something down there last night.
Oh really? Did it sound something like someone screaming "let me out of here, Bitch!!"?
There are many, many sufferers of [Obnoxious Personality Disorder]. It's such a sad story. Literally thousands of people have lost their friends, their jobs, even their husbands and wives--- simply because they're obnoxious. And there is also a very high rate of alcoholism.
Mary JoAmong obnoxious people...
No, among their friends and relations.
Oh, Mary Jo. You are just the best girlfriend I've ever had! I mean it! If you were a man I'd marry you. I would!(pondering) But Julia, you know what . . . I would find you very attractive too. It would be a tough decision . . . Mary Jo or Julia. I can't decide! Allison, what do you think?
I think you need a date — bad!!
You think so?
Mary JoOh, don't pay any attention to her. She's just mad because none of us want to marry her.
Hey Mary Jo, listen, I hate to make you madder, but the polls are showing that the majority of American women believe Clarence Thomas.
Mary JoOh, Carlene. The polls show too that most women aren't feminists. But if you ask most women about individual feminist issues, the majority of them are for them, they just don't want to call themselves feminists because George Bush and Phyllis Shaffley want to make everyone believe that feminists are all these big mouth, bleeding heart, man-hating women who don't shave their legs.
Well I don't know what all of the fuss is about anyway, even if these things did happen. Now, I've eaten at Long John Silvers many times. . . and I've never found a hair in my coke. And if I had, I wouldn't hesitate to send it back — and it wouldn't be ten years later either.
Mary JoThank you, Bernice.
And I'll tell you another thing; That Anita Bryant has caused trouble before. . . when she went out against the homosexuals. And here she is, trying to ruin this man.
Bernice, that was Anita Bryant, this is Anita Hill.
Oh. Well I thought Anita Bryant was white, but they both have the same hair-do.
Mary Jo(talkin about her blind date) If this guy turns out to be a jerk I'm in the nearest cab.
That'll be a little hard in a drive-in theater.
Mary JoYeah you just watch me, I'm gonna take my porta-phone. I'm past 30 — I don't have to put up with any crap anymore.
[Julia is forced to endure a bus trip with Mary Jo and her mother, and Mary Jo has just finished telling her mother that she's been visiting a sperm bank trying to get pregnant.]
Julia, would you excuse us please.
Well, of course Ms. Jackson, but I don't know exactly where I would go.
[(Mary Jo nods toward the bus restroom)]
Mary Jo, I hope that was just a nervous tick brought on by some dread neurological disease, and not a suggestion that I return to that bathroom!
[(Mary Jo looks at the bathroom)]
(groaning . . . ) What I do for my friends . . .
[(Julia gets up and goes to the bathroom — taking a deep breath before entering)]
Mary Jo, when I mentioned Miss Pixie(her cat) getting in trouble, that didn't mean I didn't love those kittens. I mean, you know I loved them!
[(opens the bathroom door and desperately exhales) BLUHHHHHHHHHHH... Just getting some air(sucks in air and closes the door)]
Mary JoSo what are you saying Mama?
I'm saying, that I love you, and that I would love to have another grandchild!
Mary JoYou would?
And if you have to do it with some sperm club, then I can understand that.
Mary JoSo what you're telling me is that it's ok with you if I just wanna stand by the dryer vent and see what comes in?
Well I wish you wouldn't put it just that way, but umm...
Mary JoWell I'm going to take that as your unqualified approval.
Thank you
BLUHHHHHHHHH(violently exhaling) . . . I'm sorry, but I cannot stand it in there one more minute! I can put a pillow over my head, I can put my fingers in my ears, and hum Meliconi, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT go back in that bathroom!!!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Designing Women pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
