Mary JoI'm just a little upset because Quint doesn't believe in Santa Claus anymore. As a matter of fact he says he's gonna prove it once and for all — he's been up in his room working on all these traps.
How come he doesn't think there is one?
Mary Jo
He says reindeers couldn't have the staying power, y'know, to go all the way around the world in one night. He wanted to know if Santa had some kinda deal with Federal Express.
Boy, he's awful young to be so cynical.
Hey, that's not so young. I was only 3 when I quit believing.
Yeah. My Uncle Willie. There wasn't enough money for presents, so he just came to me and told me that Santa Claus had been stabbed.
Yeah, Uncle Willie didn't have a lot of couth. Anyway, I was pretty upset. The next year I wrote a letter to the elves. All I asked for was a baseball glove because, y'know, I figured they had there hands full with Santa gone and everything. But I guess Uncle Willie couldn't get it together that year either, because Christmas Eve he came into my room and told me that the elves had been killed in a sledding accident.
[The ladies gather around Mary Jo's television to watch Julia's one-minute speech on the news against Commissioner Brickett.]
I know someone who's not going to think Julia's too wonderful.
You know, that black guy with the bow tie. Where have you been, Charlene? I mean that's what we're doing here.
Suzanne, his name is not Wilson Pickett, it's Wilson Brickett. Wilson Pickett's a black singer.
How do you figure you were close, because they're both black? You might as well have said Don King.
Who's Don King?! You don't know who he is either?
Oh yeah, I know who he is. He's that guy who sings "Tiny Bubbles."
"Tiny Bubbles"?! Suzanne, Don King does not sing "Tiny Bubbles," that's Don Ho! (to Julia) She just does this to drive me insane. It's like we're the Smothers brothers, and she's Tommy and I'm Dick.
Mary Jo
(walks in with a tray) What is the matter?
Oh, I don't know, Mary Jo, it's just Charlene. She's in here raving about "Tiny Bubbles" and calling herself Dick.
Mary Jo, I have never seen one person eat so much in all my life. I mean, the inside of this car looks like we're on some kind of a pig tour.
Mary Jo
Can you believe it? I mean, who would have thought — homemade food in a gas station? I mean, is that just in the South or what? I mean, now you can go in get your tires checked, buy some birth control in the bathroom and have a little turkey and dressing on the way out.
[The ladies discuss breast size, making reference to Suzanne.]
Suzanne's had those as long as I can remember. She was born with them. Mother and Daddy and I used to sit around and just stare at them. It's just the spin of the ole' genetic wheel. I think I've been amply compensated.
Mary Jo
It means Suzanne got the boobs, and she (pointing to Julia) got the brains.
I don't think I like the turn this conversation has taken.
Mary Jo
Oh, c'mon... big boobs/tiny brains... it's a story as old as the hills — I didn't write it.
Mary Jo!!! I cannot believe you would even repeat that!!
Mary Jo
Oh, I'm just kidding. It's just the Littlest Angel's way of kind of evening the score.
What's this "Littlest Angel" stuff anyway?
Mary Jo
It's the name of a training bra, Suzanne. I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that.
A training bra... you little people have to train yours, and you call us dumb.....
[Suzanne enters, obviously distraught.]
Something wrong, Suzanne?
Yes, something is wrong. I'm driving down the street this morning, the sun is shining, I'm young, I'm beautiful. I look in the rearview mirror and what do I see? There is a hair growing out of my chin. I mean, have you ever in all your life? I simply could not believe my eyes. Here I am, hardly 30 years old, and there's this hair sticking out right here. It's unbelievable. Obviously, I'm being punished for some heinous sin, like telling Kyle Westheimer's parents that he is, in fact, a bisexual. But all I know is, whatever it is, I did not merit this.
Mary Jo
You told some guy's parents that he's a bisexual?
That's right. I always tell the parents. And I'm not sorry either. I don't believe in bisexuals. I figure the rest of us have to choose, so why shouldn't they?
(leaning her chin in toward Julia) Julia, do you see anything else there?
Good. Cause if I get another one, I'm just gonna have to get a gun and shoot myself through the head.
Mary Jo
Why don't you shoot yourself in the chin? Maybe that way you'll hit the root.
I'm glad you all find this so amusing.
Oh c'mon, Suzanne. Don't you think you're being just a little bit shallow?
No, I do not Charlene. I don't think it is shallow not to want to go through life wearing a goatee.
Oh, for Pete's sake. Every time you two get a little cranky, you start going on these man bashing jags, you know? "Men are the cause of all trouble in the world. Men invented high heels and cheap panty hose." I bet you next thing you know, you'll be accusing them of that whatchamacallit, that PMS envy.
Mary Jo
PMS envy? I swear, somebody from the Geraldo Rivera show ought to follow you around with a tape recorder.
[Discussing Charlene's little brother:]
Let me get this straight. He's never had a girlfriend, he knits sweaters and he works at the beauty shop?
Well, he goes to Three Rivers Junior College, too. What are you gettin' at?
Well, I don't mean to get personal Charlene, but has it ever occurred to you that maybe Odell is involved in some homosexual activity?
Suzanne! I mean, just because a person is sensitive and artistic doesn't mean he's gay. Not that that would matter to me anyway.
Well I think he sounds like an interesting and talented young man.
I think he sounds like a woman.
Mary Jo
Bear in mind that this comes from the lips of a woman who thought there was a patron saint for homosexuals named, "Saint Francis of a Sissy."
[Charlene shows up for work with big news — so excited that she can barely speak.]
Good morning, Charlene. Mary Jo says you have some news for us.
[Charlene screams with elation under her breath.]
Charlene, if this is something stupid like Pam Ewing's coming back to Dallas, I don't want to hear it.
You're getting married?!!
Mary Jo
I didn't tell them! It just about killed me, but I didn't.
Friday night. I told Mary Jo already, but I couldn't get ahold of you, and I wanted to tell you all in one big swoop....I'm getting married!!
[Meanwhile, Suzanne has been inspecting Charlene's engagement ring with her jewelers loupe.]
Oh, nice job, Charlene! Now....who're you marrying?
Mary Jo
Suzanne....
Well, I thought so, but y'know it never hurts to ask.
You know, I think that women are just about ready to say, if you come up to us with a gun or a knife, you better be prepared to use it right then and there, because we are not going anywhere with you. And we are not going to be dug up, raped and mutilated months later on some rural road. We are going to be prepared to stand and fight with dignity in the parking lots and the shopping centers and the driveways of America. But buddy, you better be prepared to do the same, because even at the very least, one of us is going to be walking funny.
Mary Jo
You know what gets me even more is that twisted ankle business. That is so annoying.
What twisted ankle business?
Mary Jo
Oh, you know how they always show some young blonde thing in high heels with her bosom popping out of the dress, you know, running away from some monster or killer or something, and she's doing pretty good, she's making pretty good time until *snap* she twists that ankle. And then she just lies there til the monster polishes her off. I mean, I guess that's what you get for having big breasts and running around on three inch stilts.
Well what do you want her to do, Mary Jo? Stand up and beat the tar out of Frankenstein?
Mary Jo
I want a movie where a woman with a gun knows how to use it, and doesn't let some man wrench it out of her wimpy little wrist. I want a movie where the hero is Charlene, not Charles Bronson.
[Anthony is on caffeine pills to cram in all his studies.]
Well, I'm sorry, but I went all the way through college myself and never once did I have to use stimulants. I managed to keep up with my courses and a very active social life. And let me tell you, those were 6 ½ of the best years of my life.
Mary Jo
Oh, Anthony. I'm sure glad I'm not in your shoes. When I used to take exams I used to get soooo nervous the night before. I would have the most incredible dreams . . . y'know. Like that I would show up in the classroom just as everyone was finishing their test, and the professor would say "You're two hours late . . . sorry" — or — I would have this dream where — y'know-- I get there on time and everything, but I'd look at the test and I wouldn't know any of the answers. I mean I had studied completely the wrong thing . . . and then I would look down and I had forgotten to dress — I was completely naked!! Here, have some juice.
That does it. I'm not taking any more of these pills. Working with her is stimulating enough.
You do know that we're here to take you down to the hotel for the ceremony...
Yes, of course. I'm almost ready. Just let me touch up my makeup.
(suspicious) Ok, Suzanne. What's going on?
You know, Julia. We're going down to the Marriott to see those pageant people.
(relieved) Oh, Suzanne, this is great. Yesterday, when you said that stuff about your cold, dead scalp, y'know, and then you ran out to the parking lot and threw yourself on the ground kicking and screaming, and then you crawled to your car with dirt and saliva all over your face, and then you drove away peeling rubber... we thought you were upset.
Mary Jo
Silly us.
Yes, well I talked to Consuela, and I'm better now.
Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that.
I'd like to think that this means you and Consuela had a soul-searching chat, and you re-evaluated your priorities and realized crown, or no crown, you are who you are — but I have a feeling I'd be disappointed.
I have a feeling it's more like little dolls, straight pins and chicken parts.
Did Consuela make a Donna Jo Carnes doll?
Yes, and she also put a curse on that Audrey woman too, and I wrote down on this piece of paper a hundred times It will not happen, so you all can just go ahead and laugh, but I know in my heart it's just not going to happen.
Suzanne, you're just making this harder on yourself. Now I've talked to Reese, and apparently there's no statute of limitations on this thing, and there's nothing we can do here.
When I was a little girl, you told me, "Suzanne, if there's anything in this life you want to be, you can be it. All you have to do it want it enough." That's how I won that contest in the first place — I wanted it more. All those other girls were running around saying, "I don't care who wins. I just enjoy the camaraderie and meeting all the other girls from all over the state of Georgia." I didn't give a flip about meeting other girls. I can meet other girls any ole time. And maybe they didn't mean it, but they said it, so a little tiny bit of them did mean it. I never said it. Basically, I just said, "I want that crown to be on my head." So I'll just go down and talk to these people and eplain it all to them, and they won't take my crown. They can't because... because you told me I could be whatever I want to be if I just want it bad enough. And I want to be Miss Georgia... for the rest of my life.
[Everyone is on a camping trip and eating in a hillbilly joint.]
Well, Julia? How're you enjoying the culture so far?
Suzanne, it just so happens I'm enjoying it fine. It's different, it's interesting. Does anybody notice we're the only people in here having dinner?
Mary Jo
No, I did notice we're the only people in here who know who Leonard Bernstein is. Not that that's particularly a plus.
Mary Jo, will you please keep it down.
Mary Jo
Why, what's wrong?
What's wrong? Well, uh, if it's all right with you, I'd just as soon not offend anybody over there.
Mary Jo
Over where?
I think he's referring to the Charles Darwin Hall of Fame.
Charles Darwin . . . used to be our yard man.
RReese
You all, Let's not be so loud.
Mary Jo
Oh, for Pete's sake. They're just a bunch of big ol' good hearted country boys. Anyway, I don't think they're exactly gonna get the Charles Darwin joke.
Well I don't even know why you all are makin' fun of him anyway. I mean, he was an excellent yard man. He used to rinse out all my nylon stockings for a nickel.
Mary Jo
I tell you something, I think after dinner we girls oughta get ourselves some big ol' toothpicks and just sit back and pick our teeth. What do you men folk think of that? Huh?
Mary Jo, I'm telling you. You are talking too loud and it's not funny. Now no more beer for you.
Mary Jo
You better watch your step boy. Don't you be back-talking me in front of my friends. I hate it when my man sasses me, don't you?
Designing Women · 255 quotes
