Suzanne quotes from Designing Women

Suzanne

I can’t believe first class is full up. We’re back here traveling in coach, we might as well be on a subway.

Suzanne

And I'll tell you something else. I am not eating octopus, walking around in my stocking feet or takin a bath with my neighbors no matter what those little people say.

Julia

It's always stimulating to travel with the international voice of racism.

Suzanne

Where are our seats?

Julia

I don't know. If history teaches us anything, mine will be next to a baby who smokes.

Julia

You should sit here. I should sit in the middle.

Suzanne

It's too late Julia, I called dibs.(to Japanese looking man sitting by the window) Didn't I? Ah, you don't understand. They probably don't have dibs in your country. I just hate traveling to underdeveloped lands.(to Julia) By the way, just what is he doing sitting by the window? Everybody knows I always have to sit by the window. He's sittin' in my seat.(to man by the window) Excuse me! Excuse me! Julia, give me that phrase book. Does it tell you how to say "you just get your little butt out of my window seat right this minute"?

Julia

I guess I’m excited about seeing mother again, visiting a totally new country. Of course, seeing Japan with mother will be seeing the "Real Japan".

Suzanne

Julia, I am just here to visit mother and pick up a car. I do not want to have any cultural experiences. As for seeing the "Real Japan", I’ve noticed that whenever people start talking about seeing the "real" anything, what they’re talking about basically, is hanging around with poor people. Now I say, I don’t hang around with poor people at home, why should I do it on vacation?

Suzanne

Will you please take your hand off my breast.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Suzanne

Not you. Julia.

Julia

Suzanne, I'm tired. I've had it. Now I need some place to rest my hand and if you've got something to rest it on, I'm gonna use it. Just be quiet and go to sleep.

Suzanne

My car fell into the ocean? I can't believe this. It's gone? Everything's gone? Three days of eating garbage out of vending machines and sleeping with a man we don't even know and for what? A car at the bottom of the ocean!

Julia

(to the car dealer) I'm very sorry. I'm going to need the spelling of your name.

Suzanne

Well, I left her a note on the windshield.

Julia

Saying what?

Suzanne

What I always say in a note when I ding a parked car. "Hi there, I dinged your car. The people watching me write this probably think I'm leaving you my name and address. Signed, Guess Who."

Mary Jo

I don't see it.

Suzanne

Well, why don't you ask somebody?

Mary Jo

Like I'm gonna go over to the clerk and yell, "Hey! I'm a desperate, single woman lookin' for a copy of 'How to Trap Myself a Man'."

Suzanne

Well, all this stuff's got to go. And may I remind you, Mary Jo, we are not lookin' for men. I'm helping you.

Mary Jo

Now Suzanne, I need this stuff.

Suzanne

Mary Jo, men do not come up and talk to a woman who is wheelin' around a 25 pound sack of dog food and a big box of Kotex. I mean, you might as well just top it off with that giant bottle of Milk of Magnesia. What we need to get ya are some seductive groceries, okay? Like a little pate, some chilled wine, flowers.

Mary Jo

Hey, why don't we just go all the way and fill up the baby seat with beer and contraceptives.

Suzanne

Is this the Advanced Auto Mechanics class?

Yes.

Suzanne

Oh great.

Mary Jo

Suzanne.

Suzanne

I think you must have a curse on you or something, Mary Jo. I could sit in a convent for two minutes and meet a man, but you, you're just poison.

Julia

Suzanne, it's just human nature. People love to see beautiful women get old or fat.

Suzanne

All my life I've had to fight my weight, and I admit, food has been my security blanket. But also, I just gain weight more easily than some people, like you... you've always had that tiny waist and those skinny little legs. But I can't be that, and people have always tried to make me be that.

Julia

Suzanne, you're not alone. I'd be willing to bet most of the people in this country are overweight.

Suzanne

The point is it's different for women, especially beautiful women. Just look at Elizabeth Taylor. I bet I've seen National Velvet maybe twenty times, and if she never did anything else in her life, what a contribution that was. But all of a sudden because she got fat, it was like she no longer had the right to live in this country. That's how I feel right now. Drugs, alcohol, cancer... whatever your problems, people are sympathetic.....unless you're fat, and then you're supposed to be ashamed. I mean, everything is set up to tell you that; magazine covers, clothes. 'If you're not thin, you're not neat, and that's it.' And if looks are all you've ever had...

Julia

What do you mean 'If looks are all you ever had'? Suzanne, first of all don't be a dummy. Your looks will never be in the past tense. That face speaks for itself, and it's here to stay. And secondly, even if that weren't so... who cares!

Suzanne

What do you mean?

Julia

I mean, you and I are getting pretty far along in life, and I have been able to figure out a couple of things.

Suzanne

Are you gonna give me the key?

Julia

Yes, as a matter-of-fact I am. In the end it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you. You have to be exactly who and what you want to be. Most everyone is floating along on phony public relations. People who say being beautiful, or rich or thin makes them happy — people who are trying to make their marriages and their children seem better than they actually are.... and for what?! Appearances. Appearances don't count for diddly! In the end, all the really matter is what was true, and truly said, and how we treated one another. And that's it.

Mary Jo

What have you got in that envelope?

Suzanne

Charlene's jewelry. Julia just gave it to me. Did you see this dinky little diamond chip[bracelet] he gave her?

Mary Jo

Suzanne, they're saving for a house.

Suzanne

Well, I don't care. In a few minutes she's gonna be lying in that delivery room like a big ole zeppelin tied to stirrups, and he gives her a chip... can you believe it?(shortly later on the phone with Bill) Listen, Colonel? Next time you go buying jewelry we gotta talk. I mean, this little diamond chip business isn't gonna get it. That's something you give a six-year-old when she joins the church.

Suzanne

Hey, Anthony, congratulations on your date. She's very classy, very sort of Radcliffey.

Anthony

I know she isn't exactly what I had in mind, but she does have her good points.

Mary Jo

She's a good dancer.

Anthony

Uh-huh, that's right. Anyway, I was probably just gonna take her on home, but now the streets are so bad I don't think we can make it.

Suzanne

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, she strikes me as the kind of girl who's equally at ease at home, or in a social setting.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

Don't cry, Mary Jo. What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. She's just jealous because I was the first baby born after midnite — January One, 1990.

I'm not jealous, I'm hungry!! I only weighed in at five pounds.sucks her thumb

Yeah, like that's a problem. You know you're little and tiny and cute. Of course you're not as cute as some people. Hey where's that mirror-mobile? I like that thing.

Suzanne, suck your pacifier.

Ohh!! A little fussy today aren't we? Well, you're all just jealous because I won the new car. I was the first baby. I won, I won, I won!

Suzanne, I am not fussy today. I just don't particularly care for the head nurse. She is so superior! I'm especially tired of her coming in here every five minutes with that thermometer. I'd like to tell her where to stick it.....but apparently she already knows.

Well I think this whole place is great. It's twenty-four hour room service, and look! [She holds up her hospital ID bracelet.] Free jewelry!

Are you serious?

Yeah, I think it's pretty.

Well, I'm glad you're developing a taste for cheap bracelets. You're gonna need that later on in life. And by the way, would someone kindly tell me what is he doing here?

Excuse me, but to whom are you referring?

Oh, well like I'm the only one here who noticed! Hasn't anyone else asked themselves what is wrong with this picture?

He's different!

Oh, I know. I especially noticed during the diaper change. He's definitely different.

That's right, very very different. And I'll tell you something else. For some reason, I do not particularly appreciate being put behind these bars. Whaaaaahhhh!! I don't want to be incarcerated anymore! Let me out! I'm busting out of here now!!

Oh keep your diapers on!! You wouldn't even make it to the hallway.

Well maybe not on my own... but I'm gonna be driving that little car right there.

Whaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!

I was just gonna borrow it. I'll bring it back.

You can't take that!! It's my car, I won it. I'm the New Years baby!

Not anymore!! Not anymore!!

That's my car!! That's my car!!!

Suzanne

That's my car!!! Whaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! Slowly she wakes up, with everyone staring at her. What's going on? What's happening?

Bernice

First you fell asleep. Then you made a fool of yourself.