Oh, Charlene, that reminds me. I saw two things on TV I gotta tell you about. Now first one is, there was a segment on the news about that league of breast feeding people you like so much, you know, La Leaky.
Well I just can't believe she's keeping us waiting so long. I mean, I have better things to do with my time than sitting around waiting for some concubine to fall outta bed. I mean, I could be home watching Green Acres.
I'm serious, Julia. I do not want you to get up on your soap box about this one. Otherwise, I might have to point out to everyone that you own a fur coat yourself. You know what I'm referring to.
Mother's mink? Suzanne, you know I never wear that. It's a family heirloom. It was grandmother's, for heaven's sake. It's just a souvenir of someone we loved.
Suzanne
Maybe. All I'm saying is . . . you own a mink. So, speaking of big steel-jawed traps . . . you can just keep yours shut.
Hanging up the phone Well, that's it. There are two million people in this city, and apparently we are the first ones to ever come up with the notion of renting a van after 5 o'clock in the evening.
Yes, Charlene. That is how desperate I am. I telephoned a man who not only calls himself Krazy Joe, but he spells crazy with a 'K' and prints the 'Z' backwards — a man who's based his entire business career on the theme of illiteracy.
What are we going to do? Anthony is stuck out there on the 285 in the pouring rain with that awful Mrs. Fricke and all her furniture.
Suzanne
Well I know what to do. It's real simple too. We call the police and tell them that Anthony is an escape convict who's stolen a load of antiques and taken a white woman hostage. They'll just rush right down here with one of those big ol' paddywagons and pick Anthony up — probably even deliver the furniture.
She's in the van still stuck on the highway. (to Anthony) I bet she's mad. I mean, I hate to criticize, but even on a good day she's kind of cranky. (to the ladies) He says she's in a good mood.
Great, Suzanne. Why don't you just give away free pepperoni on the sofas?!
Suzanne
There! You see? That shows how good you'd be at sales because that wouldn't work at all. You people act like it's just so easy for me to hustle up business for this place, like I've just got to stand on the corner and go "Hey! Drapes and coffee tables!" and people just come running. Well you're wrong. I have to flirt, I have to deal, I have to lie, and sometimes I even have to threaten. THAT is called SALES. It's not pretty. I am, but it's not.
Ok, we're about to run out of time, so I'm going to be blunt. Suzanne, it does not further negotiations to have you popping your cleavage on that man's desk.
Suzanne
I think it furthers things just fine. I had him confused.
You certainly did. Everytime he looked at your chest, we had to listen to that story again about the summer he worked on the dairy farm.
Suzanne
Well excuse me for taking charge of the situation. You all weren't doing very well, and I am the expert in this area. When it comes to taking something from a man, I know what I'm doing. I wish you two would stop undermining my plans.
Good morning, Suzanne. Did you speak to Tika Ford?
Suzanne
Yes I did — had breakfast with her at the club, and she marked the tear sheet she wanted. Oh, and Julia, she wants to know how you liked the birthday present she sent you.
You know, it's interesting. I always thought of the four of us as being pretty much the same, but in terms of kids we couldn't be more different. I mean, I've got a brand new baby, and Mary Jo's daughter is about to finish high school, and(gesturing to Suzanne) you haven't even started yet.
Suzanne
I beg your pardon. What exactly is it that I haven't "started"?
Charlene, I don't know! It's not the kind of question I ask myself — not like those women who hang around expensive restaurants whining about my "biological clock". I assure you if I ever decide I did want a baby, I would do it instantly with a minimum of fuss and muss.
Great. There you go. Just leave yourshoes with me.
Suzanne
I beg your pardon?
CClerk
We keep your shoes so you don't walk out with the rented ones.
Suzanne
Do you really think that I'm going to give up my brand new Maude Frizons so that I can walk out of here wearing these multi-colored clown shoes stained with the sweat of sixty-thousand poor people? Because if that's what you're worried about, let me just say, don't worry about it.
I think about 15 minutes. We were sitting on his sofa in his office talking about putting levalors on the windows, and I just sort of nodded off. Sometime after that he woke me up... apparently I was snoring.
I probably wouldn't have fallen except that I'd put my pantyhose on so twisted this morning I've been walking like John Wayne all day. Then my purse came open... and y'know I had that box of baby suppositories in there. They just flew everywhere. There I was, on my hands and knees, wet, sobbing, mascara running down my face, my pantyhose twisted, trying to gather up all these little white firecrackers... ...y'know. Two of the secretaries had to lift me off the floor and help me to my car. Or maybe they were throwing me out... I don't know. I never looked back.
You know, it is funny to me that you people can eat anything in the world... cookies, bread, potato chips, entire sides of beef. I, on the other hand, have been reduced to some tasteless low cal. fish saliva, and yet for some reason you still feel compelled to come over here and chow down on it.
Designing Women · 255 quotes
Suzanne
