You know, I think that women are just about ready to say, if you come up to us with a gun or a knife, you better be prepared to use it right then and there, because we are not going anywhere with you. And we are not going to be dug up, raped and mutilated months later on some rural road. We are going to be prepared to stand and fight with dignity in the parking lots and the shopping centers and the driveways of America. But buddy, you better be prepared to do the same, because even at the very least, one of us is going to be walking funny.
You know what gets me even more is that twisted ankle business. That is so annoying.
SuzanneWhat twisted ankle business?
Oh, you know how they always show some young blonde thing in high heels with her bosom popping out of the dress, you know, running away from some monster or killer or something, and she's doing pretty good, she's making pretty good time until *snap* she twists that ankle. And then she just lies there til the monster polishes her off. I mean, I guess that's what you get for having big breasts and running around on three inch stilts.
Suzanne
Well what do you want her to do, Mary Jo? Stand up and beat the tar out of Frankenstein?
I want a movie where a woman with a gun knows how to use it, and doesn't let some man wrench it out of her wimpy little wrist. I want a movie where the hero is Charlene, not Charles Bronson.
[Suzanne finds her ex-accountant, Reggie Mac Dawson, who absconded with her life savings and is now singing and playing piano in a hotel.]
RMReggie Mac
I've gotta go to Mr. Fladbeau's office and ask if I can take my break now.
RMReggie Mac
Well, I only get one a week.
Suzanne
Don't worry about Mr. Fladbeau, I'll take care of that. You're not leaving this room.
[(Suzanne grags the microphone on the piano)]
Suzanne
Mr. Fladbeau! This is Suzanne Sugarbaker! Reggie Mac is taking his break now, thank you!!
[Anthony is on caffeine pills to cram in all his studies.]
Suzanne
Well, I'm sorry, but I went all the way through college myself and never once did I have to use stimulants. I managed to keep up with my courses and a very active social life. And let me tell you, those were 6 ½ of the best years of my life.
Oh, Anthony. I'm sure glad I'm not in your shoes. When I used to take exams I used to get soooo nervous the night before. I would have the most incredible dreams . . . y'know. Like that I would show up in the classroom just as everyone was finishing their test, and the professor would say "You're two hours late . . . sorry" — or — I would have this dream where — y'know-- I get there on time and everything, but I'd look at the test and I wouldn't know any of the answers. I mean I had studied completely the wrong thing . . . and then I would look down and I had forgotten to dress — I was completely naked!! Here, have some juice.
That does it. I'm not taking any more of these pills. Working with her is stimulating enough.
[Suzanne and Charlene meet with the female editor of a men's magazine.]
PPublisher
Actually, I'm a feminist, and I and my magazine make large contributions to feminist charities.
Suzanne
Yeah, well I donate to the ASPCA, but that doesn't make me a cat!
You do know that we're here to take you down to the hotel for the ceremony...
Suzanne
Yes, of course. I'm almost ready. Just let me touch up my makeup.
(suspicious) Ok, Suzanne. What's going on?
Suzanne
You know, Julia. We're going down to the Marriott to see those pageant people.
(relieved) Oh, Suzanne, this is great. Yesterday, when you said that stuff about your cold, dead scalp, y'know, and then you ran out to the parking lot and threw yourself on the ground kicking and screaming, and then you crawled to your car with dirt and saliva all over your face, and then you drove away peeling rubber... we thought you were upset.
Suzanne
Yes, well I talked to Consuela, and I'm better now.
Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that.
I'd like to think that this means you and Consuela had a soul-searching chat, and you re-evaluated your priorities and realized crown, or no crown, you are who you are — but I have a feeling I'd be disappointed.
I have a feeling it's more like little dolls, straight pins and chicken parts.
Did Consuela make a Donna Jo Carnes doll?
Suzanne
Yes, and she also put a curse on that Audrey woman too, and I wrote down on this piece of paper a hundred times It will not happen, so you all can just go ahead and laugh, but I know in my heart it's just not going to happen.
Suzanne, you're just making this harder on yourself. Now I've talked to Reese, and apparently there's no statute of limitations on this thing, and there's nothing we can do here.
Suzanne
When I was a little girl, you told me, "Suzanne, if there's anything in this life you want to be, you can be it. All you have to do it want it enough." That's how I won that contest in the first place — I wanted it more. All those other girls were running around saying, "I don't care who wins. I just enjoy the camaraderie and meeting all the other girls from all over the state of Georgia." I didn't give a flip about meeting other girls. I can meet other girls any ole time. And maybe they didn't mean it, but they said it, so a little tiny bit of them did mean it. I never said it. Basically, I just said, "I want that crown to be on my head." So I'll just go down and talk to these people and eplain it all to them, and they won't take my crown. They can't because... because you told me I could be whatever I want to be if I just want it bad enough. And I want to be Miss Georgia... for the rest of my life.
[Everyone is on a camping trip and eating in a hillbilly joint.]
Suzanne
Well, Julia? How're you enjoying the culture so far?
Suzanne, it just so happens I'm enjoying it fine. It's different, it's interesting. Does anybody notice we're the only people in here having dinner?
No, I did notice we're the only people in here who know who Leonard Bernstein is. Not that that's particularly a plus.
Mary Jo, will you please keep it down.
What's wrong? Well, uh, if it's all right with you, I'd just as soon not offend anybody over there.
I think he's referring to the Charles Darwin Hall of Fame.
Suzanne
Charles Darwin . . . used to be our yard man.
RReese
You all, Let's not be so loud.
Oh, for Pete's sake. They're just a bunch of big ol' good hearted country boys. Anyway, I don't think they're exactly gonna get the Charles Darwin joke.
Suzanne
Well I don't even know why you all are makin' fun of him anyway. I mean, he was an excellent yard man. He used to rinse out all my nylon stockings for a nickel.
Suzanne
Oh my gosh. I don't believe it.
Suzanne
See that man over there with the hunting cap? You know, with the ear flaps?
What'd he do to you? Blow you a hayseed?
That's just his way of sayin' hi-dee!
Suzanne
I don't like the way he's lookin' at me with his eyes.
Suzanne
You know . . . Like he's lickin' the back of my neck.
BBILL
I say we pay the bill, leave an incredibly large tip, and get the hell out of here.
Oh don't be ridiculous. She thinks everybody is trying to lick the back of her neck.
[A hillbilly family adamantly asks the ladies to dance.]
Suzanne
Excuse me, I may as well tell you that like Charlene here, I'm a little under the weather myself. You know, PMS.
Suzanne
Female trouble!
DJDaddy Jones
Oh, well then maybe you better have a consultation with Nub.
Suzanne
On second thought, let's boogie.
[After meeting cousin Mavis' husband:]
Suzanne
Boy, was he cute! How come you never brought him by before?
Suzanne, they haven't even lived here a year yet.
Anyway, what do you care? You sound like you're coveting him.
Suzanne
"Coveting" — what kind of talk is that? Is that like Shakespeare or something?
[The ladies are set to play the Supremes in a talent show, so in an effort to be more authentic, Suzanne buys everyone dark facial and body makeup.]
Suzanne, we can't go around in black face, that's racist!
Suzanne
Why? If Dustin Hoffman was gonna play Martin Luther King, you don't think he'd wear black makeup?
Suzanne, Dustin Hoffman would never play Martin Luther King — that part would go to a black actor.
Suzanne
Well I think that's racist! I mean, I think it should go to whoever the best person is — and that could be Dustin Hoffman.
[Suzanne enters at the talent show in her Supreme dress and in the black makeup...]
Suzanne, I can't believe that's actually you in that get-up! I've never been so embarrassed in my life!
Suzanne
Why? I think I'm the one that looks perfect. It's you that looks silly.
Would you get out there? You are supposed to be on!
Wait just a minute. Our number is next, and don't you dare come near us.
Suzanne
Julia, what are you talkin' about? I have to be with you! I'm a Supreme!
Listen, I don't give a damn if you're a California raisin! You stay away from us!
[To the judge in chambers...]
PPhyllis
Basically, it isn't just one thing, it's a bunch of odd things that Aunt Bernice does. She puts sheep placenta on her face before going to bed, and she keeps these small dolls in her closet with pins stuck through the necks. And the only picture in her bedroom is not of my sons, instead it's of some big dumb pig and says "May all your dreams come true. Love, Neal."
Suzanne
Excuse me, that is "Noel", not Neal. I know that pig. I gave her the sheep placenta. My housekeeper gave her the voodoo dolls. I don't see what's weird about that. I have some myself — it's a little hobby, y'know. Some people like golf. Some people like revenge.
Suzanne
I think these pantyhose are too dark for this dress.
Oh, my goodness. Suzanne, do something. That could be embarrassing. I mean, in 45 minutes when the finest people in Georgia are gathered here before me, I wouldn't want anyone to say, "Did you see that woman with her head stuck in the staircase? Yes. That woman the Governor just stepped over? Don't you think her pantyhose are a little dark for her dress?"
Suzanne
Now, listen, I have a lighter pair right here.
Suzanne, of all the experiences I would like to avoid, I believe having my pantyhose changed in the front hallway of the Governor's Mansion would rank right up there.
Suzanne
Well, just excuse me for livin'. It wasn't something I was going to particularly enjoy myself, anyway.
Designing Women · 255 quotes
