Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick!
It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams.
"Sweet dreams". I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams."
S1 E8Beloved Aunt
Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses.
The sunglasses?
Give them to me, let me take care of them.
You want me to give a gift now?
You gave it to her.
After this "entertaining" evening?
C'mon, you gave it to her.
I don't think so. No.
That's called "Indian giving".
Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term but I'm okay with that.
CCraig
Hi, Larry!
Hey, buddy! Hey, thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it.
CCraig
I did not rat you out.
You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything.
CCraig
Well, that's your problem.
What a jerk.
CCraig
Oh, I'm a jerk? Is that right? [starts to roll up sleeves]
Oh boy, oh boy. What are you going to do beat me up?
CCraig
Maybe I will.
Go ahead! Take a shot!
S1 E9Affirmative Action
Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David.
Hi, how you doing?
He's my dermatologist.
Really?
Yeah, for what, fifteen years already?
Even with the whole affirmative action thing?
Why don't we just call your doctor?
You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency.
What?
Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.
You called up and that's what it said?
Yeah.
That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] "Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!"
OK, OK.
[imitates the doctor's wife] "Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!"
Larry...
"This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!"
Larry, please. I'm begging you.
"Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?"
[after figuring out the navigation system for his car]
I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!
Can we turn on the radio?
Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!
Please.
"Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"
S1 E10The Group
[Larry has been forced to go to an incest survivor group as support for his ex-girlfriend]:
My name is Todd, and I'm an incest survivor.
ISIncest Survivor Group
Hi, Todd.
Hello, I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath--I don't even know what they do, but I know they're doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Curb Your Enthusiasm pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.