David Hodges quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Hodges

That was five months ago.

Henry

Nice, you were gonna give me hepatitis for my birthday. Thanks

You think I don't know what you see when you look at us? [takes a sip of her martini] Bunch of ignorant drunk crackers. Shiftless peckerwoods. Lemme tell you somethin', we built this place outta nothin' with our hands, and our sweat and our determination. Mayor of Vegas used to eat here.

Greg

[whispers to Hodges] Alright, if I can't find a phone, I'm gonna make one. Keep an eye on her. [walks off]

We had politicians, celebrities, rubbin' up elbows with the common man. Some nights, we had eight, ten limos stacked out up front. Then Harry took off, it all went to hell. He didn't care who he hurt. [making another martini] Are you sure, that I can't fix you boys one of these?

Hodges

You know, I could use the little boy's room.

Ah, toilet is all stuffed up. There's one in the basement. But, you don't wanna use that one, believe me. There's like, a million black widow spiders down there. It's like a black widow convention is what it is. You just like puff up and die, so... Use the bushes. [Hodges goes to leave]

Henry

[grabs his arm and whispers] Whoa, whoa, what am I supposed to do?

Hodges

You heard Greg, keep an eye on her.

[pours Henry some whiskey] You are gonna drink a man drink, just like that. [Henry chuckles nervously]

Hodges

The suspect hides the murder weapon in plain sight, in her auto shop class. It's pretty sophisticated for a high school girl, right?

Wendy

Well, she's definitely more sophisticated than the ones you chat with on the Twilight message boards.

Hodges

You know, I read something a while back. Said that the distance from home that the average parent would allow their 9 year old to wander had shrunk to a tenth of what it was when I was a kid.

Catherine

The world's a scarier place, that's for sure.

Hodges

Oh, I was terrified back then. But a boy who ventures out thinking the world isn't a place to hide from, shouldn't be proven wrong.

Hodges

And, uh, you can tell Homeland Security that the quantity of radioactive material in this is infinitesimal and poses no threat.

Catherine

Oh, you can tell them. Hang on a second. No. If-if the radiation source is infinitesimal, why are you wearing three lead aprons?

Hodges

Despite my aversion to children, sperm count.

Hodges

It's a teaching exercise.

Wendy

It's an exercise in self-love.

Hodges

Just play along and be a role model, please?

Wendy

Uh, no. Why would I play along with you?

Hodges

Because if you can't even imagine yourself out in the field, how will you ever expect Ecklie to?

Hodges

You see, Wendy suspected what I was up to, and she was urging me to come clean. I swear, it'll never happen again. Mea culpa. [to Henry] Can you forgive me?

Catherine

[to Hodges] This is going to go on your permanent record. [to Henry] You got your confession. Happy?

Henry

Hmm.

Catherine

Nobody likes a snitch.

Wendy

How is he [Nick]?

Hodges

I'm assuming he's okay, because he wants us to bring him a pizza or he's gonna kick our asses.

Hodges

So, is this, uh, bullet fragment telling you a story?

Greg

Once upon a time, a cranium met a nine-by-19 millimeter Parabellum round. The end.

Hodges

Wh-What is with this family? Even the animals hate each other.

Sara

Why didn't you just separate them, Hodges?

Hodges

Even though I project an aura of raw courage and unwavering self-confidence, I suffer from... ornithophobia.

Sara

You're afraid of birds.

Hodges

Let's just say that I was terrorized by a flock of Canadian geese while visiting my uncle in Saskatchewan.

D.B.

What color is the horse? (nobody answers) Really? No, it's a famous story. A traffic accident near a ranch, right? Several cars and a horse are involved. The horse is severely injured and the officer at the scene wants to put him out of his misery with his .357. Unfortunately, the bullet ricochets off the horse's skull and hits an officer standing nearby. Kills him dead as a doornail. And when this is all reported to the chief, the only question he asks, "What color's the horse?" There were seasoned investigators all over that scene for hours, taking notes, gathering evidence, but nobody noted the color of the horse.

Nick

If you miss one small detail, then who knows what else you've missed. 'Cause you never know what's important.

D.B.

Cool story, huh?

Hodges

That is a good story.

D.B.

Find anything

Hodges

Afraid not..

D.B.

OK

Hodges

no, no, no... a frayed knot.. a piece of string tied into a knot hung in the magazine and well... it was frayed.

Hodges

I'm just saying when I play "Sexual Healing" its foreplay.

Greg

Playing it for yourself doesn't count.

Hodges

You ever see that Japanese movie "The Ring" about that creepy girl who lives in a well and vomits hair?

Sara

I thought the only Japanese culture that you knew about was octopus porn.

Hodges

Si, Italiano è la lingua dell'amore.

Morgan

Oh, I always thought the language of love was français.

Hodges

Only to the French.

Morgan

Touché.