Jim Brass quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Brass

Wouldn't a rabbit be easier?

Grissom

Gotta be a pig. Interestingly, they're the most like humans.

Brass

Yeah, I've been saying that since I was a rookie. You're on your own, pal.

Brass

I ID'd her body through AFIS, and located her husband.

Grissom

Let me guess. Downtown? The Fremont District? (Brass looks disappointed)

Brass

You know, I'm not even going to ask.

Grissom

How ya doing Jim? How's your old job?

Brass

I can sling scum all day. You?

Grissom

I curse more.

Brass

Oh yeah? Well wait.

Grissom

[swipes a yellow substance that has dropped on the leg of a shopping cart and licks it]

Brass

Oh, that's sanitary.

Grissom

Mustard. [Glances behind, noticing a bunch of jars of mustard on the shelf] Did you have any clean-ups in this aisle today?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, we did.

Grissom

Life holds no surprises. [Takes a jar of mustard from the shelf, checks the price and hands two dollars to the store manager] $1.98 for the mustard, plus my two cents. [Takes the jar and drops it at Brass' feet. The jar shatters, splattering mustard on Brass' shoes and pants]

Brass

What are you doing?!

Grissom

Now, where do you go?

Brass

A kid from a crime lab doing favors for a hooker, can't make the unit look too good, huh, boss?

Grissom

Yeah, well, I'll get into it.

Brass

I bet that's just what Nicky said.

Catherine

[walking past them and toward the crime scene] You two ladies done talking? It's hot out here.

Brass

[Leads them to the body] Kid over there was taking a whiz on the side of the road, found the body.

Grissom

[Touches the body] And she's stiff...like a two-minute burrito that's only been nukes for a minute.

Brass

In this heat?

Brass

An innocent man. Jail's full of them.

Grissom

It only takes one.

Brass

What's this? An anonymous package from county lockup? (Grissom starts opening the package) Yeah, well, hey, just a second. Wait a minute. Give an innocent bystander a chance to clear out, will you?

Grissom

What are you worried about?

Brass

One minute, I'm eating tomato salad. The next ... I'm gazpacho. (Grissom opens the package and finds a video tape inside) With any luck it'll be the next episode of G-String Divas.

Grissom

I can't tell whether he's brilliant or nuts.

Brass

Sound familiar?

Brass

"Moes." I'm rubbing off on you. (Brass steals a bite of Sara's food)

Sara

No, you're not, and stay away from my seabass.

Grissom

You know what they say about looks.

Brass

They can be deceiving?

Grissom

They can kill.

So you really pulled this out of a corpse?

Sara

Yeah ... but I cleaned it for you.

Brass

We need to know the make of that knife.

Well, it's not a knife. The tip's double-edged. Bevels on both sides, downward slope. This came from a dagger which means it's either carbon steel or stainless steel. I get asked this question more than you think. (He pulls out a lemon juice squirt container and puts a few drops on the tip of the knife.)

Sara

(explains to a very confused Brass) Acid in the lemon juice should react to carbon steel, but not stainless steel.

How's a cop know all this?

Sara

(smiles) He's the cop. I'm the scientist.

Brass

I got a cop question. What are we looking for here?

Dark spots. (The tip has dark spots on it.)

Sara

Carbon steel. What's next?

Length. (Alan turns and looks for something behind the counter. He comes back with a piece of paper and a ruler.) Daggers are rarely more than an inch at the base. We got the tip. So, we can fill in the rest. It's basic geometry.(Placing the tip on the piece of paper, he extends the tip of the dagger to estimate how long the weapon used was. It's five inches. Top row, five-inch daggers, carbon steel.(He reaches into the display case and takes out a dagger to show them.) This is the one you want. $24.99. We don't take credit cards.

Brass

Yeah.

Warrick

Black tar heroin. This is the difference between a Cadillac and a Pinto.

Brass

How would you know?

Warrick

It's my job. I count at least six balloons, and that's just in the bedroom. The dealer must have come down the chimney. It's like Christmas in July here. Not that Braun even needed any more drugs.

Brass

Yeah, looks like the guy had a pill for everything. Can you get a print off those balloons?

Warrick

I can get a print off the air.

I told you I dropped them down the bathroom sink.

Brass

First time I heard that.

Look, I took two, gave Tony two and I accidentally dropped fifteen or twenty down the sink. It was an accident. You know, an accident? Haven't you ever spilled a drink?

Catherine

Not lately. We found fifty Xanax in Tony's stomach.

Don't pin that on me. I'd left.

Catherine

I'll tell you what you left -- your fingerprints all over the prescription bottle.

I went to the pharmacy waited in line picked up the prescription signed for it brought it back to the house. You know, Tony did nothing for himself except work and get high.

Brass

Got you a brand-new Mercedes, didn't it?

Yes, it did. And it'll buy me the dress I wear at Tony's funeral, too.

Brass

Look, when you left your half a house where did you go?

A friend's.

Brass

Well, let's get her on the line.

She's out of town.

Brass

Let me guess -- she's incommunicado.

That means you can't reach her? Yeah.

Catherine

Who is this?

Brass

It's Braun's squeeze. She's an ex-stripper too. Perhaps you two met in a professional capacity.

Catherine

And, uh, where has she been the past 12 hours?

Brass

Uh, let's see. [he pulls out his notebook] Quote: "Out." Endquote.

Brass

Who said the shooter was scared?

Grissom

Shot him in the back.

Brass

With his zipper down and his hands otherwise engaged.

Grissom

Yeah. We're looking for a coward.