Jim Brass quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Grissom'

Mr. Renteria, your apartment walls are covered in human blood. Are you aware of that?

Yeah.

Grissom

Do you have an explanation?

It's my blood.

Grissom

Your blood?

Brass

You got a stigmata?

No. I get nosebleeds.

Brass

That's not yours, is it?

Sara

I'm collecting evidence.

Grissom

A Harvard professor conducted an experiment. Asked a bunch of students to watch a basketball game - count the number of times the ball was passed.

Brass

Yeah? Groundbreaking.

Grissom

During the game a person dressed in a gorilla suit ran across the court. Afterward, the professor asked the students if they noticed the gorilla. Fifty percent responded, "what gorilla?"

Brass

That's wonderful, Gil. If I see a gorilla, I'll arrest it.

Brass

[when Tonya's body is found] Did, uh, Tom Haviland ever play a boxer? Girl's face looks like hamburger meat.

Grissom

Looks like uncontrollable rage to me.

Nick

Grissom, you might want to come down here.

Grissom

Just say it, Nick.

Nick

Beans and franks. Tonya's a man.

Grissom

Looks like that old Hollywood saying: "Never get caught with a dead girl or a live boy." So, let's see Tom's in bed with what he thinks are two girls. He reaches down on one, becomes very confused. Most guys would have just cleared the room and gargled with whiskey. But Movie Boy, who brags about doing his own stunts, couldn't take the thought of having a man in his bed, so he freaked out.

Grissom

Your guys didn't get any extended body photos?

Brass

Chest, hands, arms right there.

Grissom

I need lower extremities for comparison.

Brass

Hey, Marjorie Westcott blew in here and shut us down. She said if we wanted full body shots we were going to have to get a court order. So the D.A.'s working on it.

Grissom

When, between testimony?

Brass

No kidding. Meanwhile, we're presenting half a case to a judge.

[After Brass is questioning them for beating a taxi driver who was supposedly fleeing a crime scene] If we were wearing badges, you guys would be giving us medals.

Brass

If you guys are wearing badges, I'm playing left wing in the NHL.

Brass

Have you ever seen anything like this before?

Catherine

How it manifested? No. But the cause? (beat) People throw things away every day.

Grissom

May we come in?

Lady Heather

Say the magic word...

Brass

Warrant.

Brass

We are going back to Lady Heather's.

Grissom

I can take care of this myself.

Brass

Gil, do me a favor. Get a sport car. It's a lot cheaper and easier to handle.

Sorry, 5 dollars to get in.

Brass

[Pointing to his badge] I got a coupon.

Brass

Did you hear the one about the comedian who died onstage?

Catherine

Ba-dum-bum

Brass

I'll be here all week.

Catherine

What do you see?

Grissom

Nothing.

Catherine

What are you looking for?

Grissom

A punchline?

Brass

Ba-dum-bum.

Brass

Well, the rancher's going to get off, Linda's dead, and Wolfie... skates with a misdemeanor.

Catherine

We took one look at those furry suits and thought "foul play," but this was really just a domestic dispute gone mad.

Grissom

Fur and loathing in Las Vegas.

Brass

Hey, look what I found. A knife with blood on it.

Grissom

Look what I found. Dead guy.

Brass

It's not as bad as it looks.

It never looks good when a suspect dies in custody.